I have been trying to find love, support, understanding and just somewhere or someone who could hear me and for one minute or iota care what I was feeling or going through.
I put myself with the hardest most selfish,frozen, fake, self-centered, egotistical people. I really did not know how to relate to kind, warm, caring, loving people. Getting close meant I had to let go of my whole family.
Being with n family members and closed family system works for them and almost killed me. Emotionally and spiritually I shut down because that was the norm.
This morning I can see that there was never any way that the nm or nh could have ever given me any of the love and support I tried to elicit from them. It is not there. Like going to the "hardware store for bread".
I did it over and over and consequently did without "bread" til I was starving to death and crawled for help.
I was always a "they" person. "They did this", or "they won't let me do that". So I tried every which way to convince them or change them. It never occurred me to go elsewhere for the longest time.
Now I do. I know there was some loving, guiding force that led me to the love and support I find in recovery with the people there who are willing to be honest and face the truth.
It is still hard for me to not get sucked back in with especially the nh who of course was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to the hilt after 33 years of this sick marriage. My nm finally found her victim and source in my father who with age has weakened his resistance and is now under her complete dominance. The nm is eating my father alive along with controlling my sisters and my daughter. All I can do is watch and pray. She has completely shut me out because I know her game. She despises me. I am over the pain and have found loving people in place of the pain and conflict.
I am still grieving the loss of the ideal home family and marriage I thought I was building all these years. My faith in my God, my support group, loving people and lots of blessings each day gradually are replacing the pain and saddness. Thank God anxiety and depression is gone.
I can invest in a better future by making today one that I consciously put all the good in that I am learning does exist. I can practice getting better today.
There is noone big enough or strong enough to take all this pain I have and do anything with it. My God shows me the way and I am in another stage of awareness in my recovery.
I am glad to share here. I am learning so much from reading. The love and wisdom and very comforting.
BR
