My perspective changes. I know that very wonderful people, places and things happen in my life. At the same time this marriage was a horrible pain I carried with me. I could not "see" or realize that for so long. I just got trapped somehow with the n and life became about him, totally. He made it that way and my resistance made it even worse. Even when he was gone. I did to me what he did till he came back. I waited thinking it was not happening and lived as if he was involved. Then he would come back and it felt real. I thought he was back to stay and life would resume. Never did. It was his pattern, his way of life. It was never going to be different as long as I let him have control. I used to say that his picture was superimposed over my picture and made mine disappear under his. I was right about what was happening. I totally discounted that he was somewhere doing something when he was gone. The only thing that mattered to me was he was back. He had a totally double life going. He had another life that just like the life he had with me, he had to get back to to control and keep going. Back and forth, in and out. And the two did not connect. It was the way he wanted it.
When he came back it was to put it all back together and of course I thougt I was getting what I wanted and needed. My stuff would get done, I would have a husband, I got treated like a queen (for a day or whatever the time frame for a particular time was). Then, he would flip, be gone and I would go through the same pain and abandonment, then anger, etc., etc.,
I tried every behavior and emotion. Nothing mattered. The only thing that ever caused a change was when he would think I was interested in another man.
Anything he perceived as a threat was the same as his other perceptions. If he thought it, it was real to him. He hated me because of what he thought I did to him and he idolized me when he thought I was leaving. Then he would totally crash. I think it is called a personality break. He has had 3 or 4 in this 33 years. Right now he is in ego mania. I am not even a thought. He has competely deserted this territory here.
My life is good because it is good. Not because I am leaving or staying with h or anyone else. I used to hang all my hopes and life on that. I had to get past that.
There is some relief from the pain as I live in my own reality and have distance from him.
However, like this morning, I went through major pain because our daughter mentioned my h, (her dad) being involved with our granddaughter today. I raised my children with his disinterest, but now at times our daughter will call him to keep the grandchildren. My d has resentment of course from the past, and it all comes out in her attitude toward me, not her father who is the fun time guy.
I was crushed by what was going on and I had to get over it. I did. I think had to be aware of what was happening between them today, feel the horrible pain of betrayal, again and work through it and now I feel like I have accepted it.
Lots of emotional flip flops going on.
Contact from the h is coming eventually, as if nothing is wrong, except that "he' isn't going to take anymore abuse and live this way. (okay)
For me, the talking and discussion with h is over. I don't want to discuss with him any more about what happened or what or who is wrong or did what to whom. That kept it going for so long. The arguement was teh connection and I lost them all. He left anyway.
I have a life. Always did. I lived it. He was not a part of it. He missed some wonderful things that I have to be grateful for. Now he wants to take for himself and leave me out. I don't know how involved I can be with my daughter while she is involved with the father she never had.
I am an outsider in the family I thought I had.
That is reality today. I know there are other parts of my life and the family part is very limited right now.
I am okay and working through all this. My thoughts are cnofused but in there somewhere making all this con together. I know it is up to me to live through it and come out learning from it. I want to be a better me not al tangle up in someone else's horror.
I did not know I was the target of hate for a long time. It still amazes me that a disordered person has to use other people in ways they do. I am still learning and working on acceptance and action.
Thanks BR
