Question

[betr4]

I don't know how questions are related to here, but I have a question about my own feelings concerning contact with a nh.

I am finding that after no contact with h for no certain time I will  feel heavy and I start thinking negatively about him and maybe imagining wht he did or is doing.  Nothing specific just feelings of insecurity or maybe making him more than he really is.  I give him more credit than is real in importance.  I build him up in my mind.

So years ago I would finally decide that he was the one holding the grudge, not me and I would call him for whatever I needed.  He would always be elated and come right home, no matter how long he had been gone or for what reason.  And I sure didn't know where he was.

I feel relief when I do finally contact him.  I call it proactive and I get past the pain and anger.  I have not been strong enough in the past to get all caught up emotionally when we were together. 
Now I am.  So I say what I say and let him be who he is and I feel better and function better.

What would that say about me.  Am I in denial?  Am I prolonging this relationship?  I wanted out before but could not keep boundaries.

Years passed.  Finances and business are good and we keep it going no matter what.  Am I letting go or giving up?  I live my life he lives his.
I do feel better when I can talk to him and discuss things somewhat.
He does try to control and gets shut down and abusive and angry, but I get past it and then he is gone.  I don't react to it like I used to.  Still don't like it and I know it is sick but I think I don't have a reason to divorce with my life on my own and him gone anyway.

I have been in counselling with my h, for marriage counselling, and to leave him.  None of it worked.  Here I am.
I am better now and getting stronger.  Don't know where I'm headed, but I am okay.
Thanks, BR

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
  I can't get  "feel" for your question .  I know that other people will be able to help . S/times we have emotional blocks to things b/c of our own issues. I just wanted to give you a "hug" and tell you that I think that you are finding your voice--little by little. I think that when you get your voice back, many questions will become clearer.                   Love   Ami

[changing]

Dear betr4-

Only you know what is good for you, and what is hurtful. You deserve a fulfilling life and the freedom to create it, as you see fit. I hope that you continue to grow and learn on a path of increasing happiness, and begin to trust yourself and your inner voice more and more. You are stronger than you think you are!

Love,

Changing

[gratitude28]

BEt,
It's an addiction cycle. You feel the high when back together and things are good. You hit the lows when alone and bored... One thing that might help is really thinking it through before contacting him. See the END of the process. Where will it lead?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over - expecting different results... That is what has helped me.
You are starting on your recovery, and that is a difficult place to begin. It takes a while to detach and gain strength. We are very glad you are here - to share and to help others as well. None of us can do it alone.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  That is a great point--- about the addiction cycle. Thank you.    Ami

[Hopalong]

Oh wise Beth!

xxoo
Hops

[Iphi]

Yeah I think what is going on with you betr4 is what is important.  I think it seems that what he does or does not do is not at all important because it sounds like he has done it all, over the years.  But what is important information is - you have tolerated it all.  What is inside that?

I read this book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and someone else (doh!).  They made a great point.  They said what we tolerate is like water - it seeks the lowest level and it runs downhill.  So if we will tolerate anything and everything, then that is exactly what we get - anything and everything. 

Hmm, what would it have to be like, for it to be a clear cut situation that you would move to change it (i.e. divorce?).

[betr4]

Yes, I needed and end to it.  There has never been an ending.

I tried to end it with divorce, but soon discovered that the relationship we have is the one my h wants.  It works for him because it works out the cycle of his past.   He would "fix" it everytime I tried to leave.  It is the way his parents lived and related to each other.

I became an expert at his behaviors and did spend too much of my time on his behavior, trying to figure it out and the problems we had.  It took lots of years while I was trying to fix it and survive it. And hoping the whole time that it would stop or change.   

I don't try to fix it or him anymore.  I know how it is and I admit it.  I don't hide it or feel ashamed anymore about myself or how things are.  I was afraid to let anyone know so I kept quiet.  I was also blamed and considered the wrong or bad one by most of my family because he had such a good act. Charmed them all and I would get upset trying to explain everything.   With being separated from most of my family and being involved in recovery, there is no need to hide anymore.
 
So I don't try to make it different anymore.  Now I know it is how it is.  It already happened and still does.  I talk about it, don't hide it and I don't feel ashamed about it anymore. 

I am not in despair, (relief and gratitude for that), or denial.  I just don't know yet what I am going to do.   I am accepting it and know it is not my whole life anymore. 

I appreciate all the insight and thoughts shared.  I just needed some objectivity.  I know I am stronger and with no children at home anymore I am not as threatened with his leaving and his behavior.

I think I am working through this emotional trauma and am at some level of understanding that I am not quite sure of.

Thanks for all the wonderful insight.
BR

[changing]

Hi BR-

When I first came to this board, I was ashamed and could literally take no more abuse. I began to recount the things that I thought were shameful and precluded me from being a part of decent society- my FOO, my "marriage". I am still untangling myself from NH but I would never go back, never, never.

You are not your job, your money, your looks, your marriage- you are so much more than that, a spiritual being of great human dignity and worth. It can be hard to be released from N prison (or to escape) but it certainly is worth the effort, and your life and you are so precious. Bury that carcass (or just drop it) and run BR!!! Life is short!! You deserve to be happy!!!

Love,

Changing

[Iphi]

I think I feel what you are saying betr4 - you have come a long, long way from the person who went to her FOO for validation and got crushed again and again.  It sounds like you have been gaslighted by your FOO and gaslighted by your H, very thoroughly.  But I hear you saying you have staked out a place of clear headedness and clear seeing and got to a place of detachment that is apart from all of the manipulation and dysfunction. 

Maybe,  like Ami is doing, you are trying to get on good terms with yourself internally, trusting for the outside life to fall into place as the inside situation is healed?

[Ami]

Dear Iphi,
  Thank you for putting my "goal" in to such clear "words".                     Love    Ami

[betr4]

Iphi,
Yes I do think that working on the healing is what I am doing.  Concentrating on healing and wroking from the inside out.  I have lots of healing to do yet but I am making progress, I know that.
My heart knows but my head hasn't gotten it yet, I think.
BR

[reallyME]

betr, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you and share my heart on this one.

When X first left, took off with the next supply source, I felt betrayed, sad, depressed, disoriented, disillusioned.  I would even try and talk to people X knew and try to piece together some sort of understanding of WHY it all turned out the way it did.

After some time without X went by, I went through cycles of seeing X as all bad, mean, cruel, wrong...then I'd flip back into remembering times we shared together that were fun, exciting, mysterious, playful...till eventually, X DID come back..right on this very board as a matter of fact, and I then remembered how awful things could be when X was in full "punish mode" of me.  I began realizing that it wasn't worth the torment i had to endure, in order to have a few somewhat good moments with X.  I also began remembering how conversations with X ended up being focused on X unless it was a situation where X could try and "fix" me. 

There will be some space in time, where you go back n forth with feelings.  I STILL DO.  I have things that remind me of X and make me say "I wonder if........" but ya know, eventually N's leave and X left too.  I mean, they leave FOREVER...and then, all the time you wasted focused on the what if's and the dreams that got shattered, only hurt you...X and N will move on in life and you will still be pining away at what never could be, cause it actually NEVER WAS.

Just some food for thought.

BLessya,
RM

[alone48]

Funny, I was just thinking the other day that I missed N and maybe things weren't really so bad. It was my birthday and part of me wanted him to call, but the sane part knew that it shouldn't happen. He didn't call and I know it's for the best, but after I'm away for awhile I remember the good and the bad seems to fade. It just takes that one contact for me to realize I should have left it alone, but then I defeat the whole NC period. So far it's been four week and two days, so you can see I am very aware. I just want to keep adding to that time as he only revels in my contacting him. I will continue to stay strong, it's all I have left that he can't take from me.