Hey Lighter,
I am sorry –
I heard what can I do, not I feel bad that I didn’t do more. I understand better now.
Although, I have to say, given the details you’ve given, it still doesn’t sound as though you failed your niece.
There is only so much you can do.
Could you have swooped in there and taken her away? No.
Could you have called CPS? Maybe, but ultimately, they probably would have closed the case without action and it would have put her under more stress, not to mention caused an irrevocable chasm in your relationship with her parents. Ultimately, that would have been worse.
A very close relative of mine has an autistic child. At 1.5 years, I was noticing behaviors that would indicate autism. I wasn’t sure, but there were a lot of signs. I watched closely. By the age of 2, I was convinced. I kept suggesting to my relative that they have the baby examined. I was ignored – blown off.
At 2.5, there was no language development. My relative started to express concern. I suggested that at the least, he have the baby’s ears checked to see if there was a hearing problem (knowing well that this was not a problem). I was ignored.
At 3.5, they enrolled him in pre-school. He was kicked out for head butting the teacher in the stomach. At that time, the teacher told them to have him assessed for autism. My relative was so outraged at the teacher he was considering litigation. Of course - there was nothing wrong with his child. Thankfully, his wife had the baby tested.
He was diagnosed autistic.
I don’t know if you are familiar with autism, but for the future wellbeing of children with autism, it is critical to have early intervention; the earlier the better.
This child went 2 years undiagnosed.
I tried. Do you think I should beat myself up because I didn’t try harder?
To some extent I am upset that I didn’t try harder. But realistically, bottom line, I believe that no matter what I said or did, it would not have made a difference unless my relative was willing to listen. His head was stuck so far up his ass he couldn’t possibly hear anything he didn’t want to hear (it was a pride issue – there is nothing wrong with my son!).
I can see in your story (although not a lot of details), that circumstances may have been similar?
You did the best you could with what you had at the time. What you know now is better yes? But even given what you know now, could you have done anything differently then?
Every decision we make is a pro/con choice – we have to consider everything, and ultimately, when it comes to other people’s children, there is not much we can do unless there is gross negligence and horrific abuse.
It is sad IMO, but the only thing we can do is be a good role model for the child. But, never underestimate how much this can mean to a child – it made all the difference to me.
Please let the heartache go. There was nothing more that you could have done without potentially causing irreparable harm.
I hear the echoes of self-anger and self-sadness in your post – and I truly believe it is unwarranted.
Peace
