Husband is on the Back Burner

[Ami]

I  made a huge change recently. I went a true NC with my M. It took me a year to face that she has NPD. I was in denial that maybe she was not "that " bad. However, as I changed from the board, I could see that she was exactly the same. She would drown me today, yesterday and forever to get one small inch over me.
  Now, I am facing my H. I am not asking for advice b/c I am going to heal and then see what happens. I am not asking for "leave him or stay.". I am just expressing how the situation is .
  I have been married for over 20 years. I was very "numb" when I married him and very much a "clone' of my M --so  my picker was not the best--shall we say.
  This is the first time since I was 14 that I am starting to get my core back.I really feel a sense( although small) of connection to myself.
  My relationship with my H feels very confusing. S/one said that that means it is abusive. My H is trying to change. He really is. He is trying to "own" his actions.
  I am surprised at how much he is doing this.
  However, inside me it feels very depressing. It feels like he  is not really a "friend" like my S or F ,where I know that I can trust them to be good to me( basically).
  It hurts,but I have so much to do on myself now that I am going to put it on the back burner for the moment.
  I need to find my core no matter what happens in any other relationship.So that will be my goal, for the moment.

[betr4]

Ami,
Thank you for sharing.  I can so relate.  I'm glad you are here.  I am glad to be here too.
BR

[Ami]

I just read Confounded's whole thread. I missed  several of her posts  so didn't get the whole picture.
 I can relate to many of her "issues" with her H. Where I am confused is that I know that I am screwed up and he is screwed up and it is hard to see where the pain is really coming from. Is the pain from within me(Yes).Is it from him to me (Yes). .
  Is it my FOO(Yes). Is it his FOO(Yes)
  So,it is a ball of pain.That is my diagnosis--- a ball of pain.                        Ami



I guess that the answer is to sort out me b/c that is my one area of control. 

[Poppy Seed]

Ball of pain.  I hear you on that one, Ami.

Pops

[Overcomer]

Ami:  You are sooooo right.  Let us get our acts together before we leave our husbands!!   If we are in the middle of stress or learning what does and does not work....moving, etc. we cannot make wise decisions.  I know in the past I have run away from problems only to recreate them.  I left my sex addict loser husband and ended up with an alcoholic loser.  So then I left him and ended up with another alcoholic man (who at least works....)  So from that perspective it is a step up...

Back burner is good.  We need to get ok ourselves!!  Maybe when I am ok I can walk away with confidence.....although I think my H will die before I make that decision.  I have known him six years and he has not gone to the dentist or the doctor once.  He is almost 48 years old and smokes and drinks to excess......so wonder what disease is lurking in his body which he denies might be happening.....

And your H?  Is he a good man?  An N?  A Jerk?  Or is it you being dissatisfied with life in general like me??

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 My H would be the type of guy you would get if you had no self esteem and you wanted s/one to mother you.. Then , when you turned around,it was your ACTUAL mother.
  Let's put it this way, if I could go back and met my H, I would run so fast that you would never find me-bleh.
  MY goal is to find my real core and to jettison this shame core. I want to throw it overboard where it belongs.
  After I do that, what I should do with my H should become clear. One thing that I do know ,which is good, is that I don't need a relationship to fix me. I need to fix myself. Any relationship is secondary. That is a peace to me.
 I have been looking for so long outside of me for the answers. Now, I am happy to find my core --inside.
  We will make it--Kelly.                            Love   Ami
 

[isittoolate]

Hi Ami

Please update me. When you came on this board, had you studied about N-ism and then just found out/realized about your mother?

........and didn't see that N-ism fit your husband too?

........and are now/recently realizing that he is an N as well?

Good on you for the No Contact re your mother.

Okay , now with your 2 sons, are you taking back about the one who was 'disrespectful'...a bit back

Must be some chore to sort them out.

The realizations you are reaching must make you feel a little 'weird' because you are seeing life far differently from a few years back, or "Post-Voiclessness"

So without your details I am trying to know a timeline on your discoveries and changes.

Love
Izzy

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[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
  It took me about a year on the board to face (in my heart) that my M is an NPD. Now, I have NC.
  I don't really know how N or "ISH" my H is. I really don't . Just when I think that he is too N to change, he pulls a 180 on me and "gets" s/thing that an N would not "get"(it seems). He is not NPD like my M.   So, with my H, I am still "too sick" to see him clearly.I am too "entangled" with him( and in my own mind)  to really see the truth. My H throws massive guilt on me to make me feel badly for any real emotions that I have.My H really wants me to go back to the "abused" person that I was( I think) However, as I change , maybe he can. I really don't know at all what will happen. 
 Can he change to become a true friend who would not knife me? I don't know. I doubt it.However, as I change,I guess my H will either get better or stay the same. At some point,I should be clear enough inside my own head to know what to do.
   When I almost hooked up with a sociopath,it showed me just how sick my "picker " was. That was a wake up call for me to heal my own mind.
  My S turned around on the 'disrespectful " thing. He was prodded by my H to disrespect me, but he couldn't do it for too long b/c he missed me.We have always been close and he missed spending time together ..
  AS I write this, what hits me is that I am  in a lot of denial about my H (mucho). However,I am not ready to make any decision  b/c my own head is just too fuzzy.
 So, I really cannot see clearly WHAT my H is.                         Love    Ami

[isittoolate]

Hey Ami

how sick my "picker " was. Great phrase, and fits me too.

Thanks for the answer, so if you are busy dealing with NC with mother, are you getting on with your husband? I was thinking it would be hard to figure out with all that's happened, but looking over a list of what comprises an N would (might) be helpful to categorize your husband.

It's almost like you have to take a step back and observe from other eyes about him, while the real you does what's necessary day to day.
Good to hear about your son

xx
Izzy

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[Ami]

Thanks Izzy. I appreciate your caring  .                       Love   Ami