Beginning stages of Grieving /realizing spouse is NPD

[cplummer]

This is my first attempt to discuss my tremendous grief on an internet website.  I have read manyof the replies and issues in this forum and am impressed with the research based discussions.  I have recently decided my husband of 7years is suffering from NPD,after much research.  
Basically, I lost my beloved Sister 1 year ago today and after that, my husband went totally off the deep end in his treatment of me.  The prior 7 years,  I can now honestly say, he was tremendously emotionally abusive.,  Although there was some physical abuse as well, I never had any huge signs of it. Therefore,  I'm starting to piece together how I was losing myself in this marriage, how no one would believe me if I told them I was abused, how often I didn't believe it myself.  After my sister died, a once cyclically mean husband  (with periods of goodness) completely turned into a monster.  (I know that's not a veryb nice description but it is how it seems to me)  I'm try8ng to figure out what happened tohim to really set him off the deep end.  Does anyone have any advice.

Basically , he has finally left the house but I have 2 boys and must interact with him almost daily.  It is horrible, as he is completely indifferent to me . to the discipline I set forth with my boys--the whole deal.  I am getting stronger and have some close spiritual women who have been very supportive, after I finally opened up and shared my secret with a select few.  I have tremendous grief over the loss of my family dream, but truly believe I could not go on living in the hell.  I'm open to any helpful comments from anyone. thanks

[write]

as you acknowledge, you are grieving.
There's no way around that, you can only go through it.

I got a lot of guidelines before we separated from http://www.spig.clara.net/ the UK Shared Parenting Network.

My h is a lot more receptive than some narcissists, he is coming to an understanding and acceptance of it, and he put himself in therapy with a good psychiatrist. I still get frustratyed with him, his problems do not disappear, but he has modified his nehaviour so much

xoxoxo

[cplummer]

thanks for your suggestions.  There is a huge part of me that is still baffled by it all.  I woke up last night from a dream and called my best friend to do a reality check with her.  Actually said to her, "sometimes i don;t knowif the past year has been a dream, a lie.  My husband never let on to anyone he was tremendously abusive to me.  For years I was in my own denial, going to counseling working on how I culd fix the marriage--never really telling anyone what was really going on.  He told me I was sick and crazy so much of the time,and that I needed help that I think I actually believed it.  I sitll go through periods like this, although I am getting stronger.  But my whole pathology in it all runs so deep.  it's tough to break.

[shixie]

I was in a relationship for 12 years who a man who I just realized had NPD.  Finally everything makes sense.  We had no children together and he made it very clear he didn't want any.  In the begining that was fine, but once I was in my 30's my attitude had changed.  I did not want him to be the father of any of my children.  I knew something was not right about him.  In our last year together, I was finishing up my last year in college and he turned into an absolute tyrant.  I now know it was because  my education was top priority instead of him, I was becoming more independent from him and I started to question my purpose in life.  It totally rocked his world.  He made life unbearable for me.  When I left he completely fell apart.  This was a man who would threaten to throw me out of the house on a daily basis.  I couldn't believe it.  He begged me for months to come back.  Had his friends and family call me to come back.  I had left him for someone else and he blamed him for the break up.  He became so full of hate and rage and 5 years later got sick with cancer and died.  I married the man I left him for and we have 2 children.  I will be forever scarred by him.  He exploited my kindness and good nature.  My innocence is gone.  I am wiser but with a cynical view of life.

[Anonymous]

Dear CPlummer,

Others here have more advice about dealing with Nspouses, but I just wanted to drop in and say hello and welcome.  I can hear the pain in your post.  I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.  Perhaps your H knew she would protect you/support you if he got out of control.  Otherwise I am stumped as to why this would increase his abusiveness of you.  

Congratulations on your newfound courage to address what is really going on.  Be safe and be gentle with yourself while you are learning to be firm with him.  I'm glad you are actively seeking out support and hope this board will help you as it has helped a great many people.  
Peace, Seeker

[CSHF]

To the woman who shared with me her story about being in this relationship for 12 years and fianlly having the courage to get out.  thank you.  this story is very affirming, as you stayed in for a long time, as I have, as many of us have.  Clearly you were also at times very bafled but couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on.  Until you started finding your own "voice" and he didn't like it.  It seems to echo and certainly affirm my reality--which is sometimes for me still the hardest piece  "what is my reality"  "my own reality"  Not his.  Your story of the man you married and left (for the N) also is so familiar to me.  I am so very happy for you.  You have made your dream come true.  You are a Mamma with 2 children and a supportive partner.  How wonderful.  You deserve it!

[CSHF]

Thank you for your gentle and clearly very loving advice.  I'm trying to get better at being gentle and forgiving of myself.  I definitely tend to judge myself too harshly for mistakes I've made--especially this one, with the red flags everywhere even before I married him.  I thinkthis is a wonderful site.

[shixie]

I am glad my story was beneficial to you.  Living with a N is a traumatic experience and we are not even aware of how much.  I know my focus was to keep peace and make him happy.  They thrive on this as well as demand it.  Its okay to live, as long as it doesn't interfere with the amount of attention they require.  It is a very oppressive way of life, exhausting too.  They can't be bothered with your needs.  When your sister died, you were not capable of supplying his huge demands.  You needed to take care of you and your emotions.  They despise this and react with rage and intimidation.  Their total lack of empathy shows during times like this.  Early on in my relationship my sister also died.  His response was strange, but I was so consumed with grief at the time I didn't dwell on it.  In retrospect, I see his lack of empathy.  He went with me to the funeral, but this was also when he first met most of my family, so a good impression kept him in line.  They know how important that is in their scheme of things.  Its been 6 years since I left and alot has changed in my life, for the better.  My husband is very supportive and patient with me.  He acquired damaged goods and had to pick up the pieces.  That is truly what love is and I am forever grateful for him.  I wish you all the luck in the world, you and your boys deserve better.
Stacey

[cplummer]

Stacey, I just want to say that I send you so much heart-felt sympathy for the death of your sister.  How long ago did she die?  I just lived through the 1 year anniversary  (May 28th) of mine and it has been such a dark month for me.  I feel my grieving her was completely sucked up by my husband's abuse beginning 2 weeks after her death  (if you get a chance read my example of this under "guest" (I guess I hadn't signed in) "feeling the anger/pain"  YOur comments make sense about how he wasn't getting his N supply after she died.  And he too, like your 1st husband", was the perfect man while she was in the hospital with my parents around.  Then, after the funeral and everyone was gone, he just went off on me worse than he ever did before.  I am so happy for you that you have found a man who shows you true unselfishlove and accpets you for your wounds and loves them and you.  thank you so much for your reply.  CSHF  (Countess Shedding Her Fears)