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I guess That's It

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surf14:
HI Everyone;

  I have not been on the board  too much lately but had come to the board during a difficult time with my N Mother and wanted to get back now to relate the outcome.  My mother and I had been trying for the past year to begin to relate again after years of distance; she was emotionally and physically abusive to her children while raising them and I had distanced emotionally and geographically over the years as everytime I would move closer to her she would kick me, so to speak.  It seemed ridiculous to expose myself to more of her abuse when I had struggled to recover my self esteem.

During one conversation this spring she saw an opportunity to dagger me over a sensitive relational issue involving my ex-husband; I could't believe she was still into that kind of meanness.  The way I have learned to express myself and give myself voice I did ie I e-mailed her that her  remark had hurt my feelings a bit.  (very benign)  She answered back by shouting at me online and did not answer my low-key  e-mail for six more weeks.  After six weeks I e-mailed her again saying I had not heard from her how was she?   Aftr several weeks she answered briefly; the atmosphere was decidedly cold.

  However, for Mother's day I sent her a nice card and some goodies I know she likes  but I did not hear from her.  After one week i e-mailed her and asked it she had gotten the gift.?  She answered back angrily that she had and I would have to forgive her for not getting back to me and a thank you card would be promptly be in the mail.  I never heard from her nor received the thank you card she angrily promised.  I guess she was angry because I had asked her if she had received my gift; that made her feel bad about herself.  I had asked becasue I was afraid the mail might have been late and she might have spent Mother's day thinking I didn't think of her.  But no, she just didn't want to talk with me apparently and took my question about receiving the gift as a criticism!!@@!!.  (Can't win)   I didn't want a card anyway from her since I had sent a card; we have talked on previous strings here about the strangeness of N's relationship to their thankyou cards!!@@!!)  She  since has not  answered a newsy e-mail I sent asking about her recent trip to a neighboring state.

I know she has "let me go" because she knows if she had a relationship with me it would have to be real and she couldn't handle it.  Her self esteem has always been a real problem for her and she projects her insecurity onto others and accuses others of all kinds of  negative motives; I'm sure she has done this to me as well, probably feeling that when I said she had hurt my feelings I was being too critical.  Its always been OK for her to dish out meanness but one is never allowed to defend or protect ones self or enforce any boundaries.  Her children , in her eyes just exist for the purpose of meeting her needs.  She's never been able to transform that.

I feel sad about her having let me go; as mean and sh---y as she is I do love her.  Its kind of a primal feeling having your own mother confirm to you that she doesn't love you and cares nothing about your feelings.  I have been able to form some good relationships with others and am well liked by people and and patients I work with (I'm in healthcare) so I'm very clear about whose dysfunction is whose.  My husband says she needs to abuse and kick oythers  in order to raise herself up.  Our relationship is over, I can feel it and I have regarded this as time to let go too so that when she passes on there is no lingering baggage or regret.  I'm very glad I was gentle with her so I can't blame myself (I'm very good at feeling guilty) and gave her no reason that she could genuinely be angry at me.  Its her call and her volition to end it.

 I'm so glad I got away years ago and and have built a life for myself where I have been able to heal.  

Any feedback from the forum is appreciated.    Surf

Portia:
Hiya Surf.
Did she let you go, or has she simply not contacted you so as to protect that fragile centre that all Ns have? In the gentlest way possible, I'm trying to say her actions are not about you, they're about her. So - and how can I say this to a daughter about her mother? - it's not personal to you. She's not doing it against you....she doesn't know you.

And to think she doesn't love you or care about you....remember, she doesn't love or care about anyone at all. It's not possible.

You say in your sign-off that suffering is optional. I'm not too sure. I think we have to suffer first to come out the other side. Maybe continued suffering is optional, but grieving what is lost - we have to do that....very best wishes, you must be hurting, I'm sorry....P

Anonymous:
Hi Portia;

 Thanks for your reply.  Yes, you are absolutely right, she is not contacting me to protect herself.  It is about her, always about her only.  She is loveless and not able to care about another's feelings in the least.  That's what hurts.  How does she think I feel about  the anger she shows, the lack of saying sorry when she syas something hurtful and the not replying to my e-mails?  She doesn't care.  That kind of clinches it.  It is the hardest thing accepting this situation and resigning myself to the fact that she will never change.  No matter what, I always seem to hold out hope and that is where I get disappointed.  I know others here have discussed the wrenching struggle with hoping the loved one will change and having so much trouble with accepting that this character problem is permanent.

I guess in terms of suffering being optional; perhaps its how long we choose to keep ourselves in the suffering zone after the fact that  is the optional part.  Ideally one will take the suffering and transform it to something more positive ie sensitivity and support for others.  

Aloha       Surf

Anonymous:
surf,

I'm sorry about the events with your mother. Apparently she was severely abusive during your childhood and she hasn't changed one iota. All you can expect from her is further immaturity and bratty behavior. She isn't disowning you, though. She's just sulking like a baby.

Here are your choices as I see them:

(1) Stay in touch with her but expect zero response. Don't follow up by asking whether she received anything from you. Just send messages and let them go.

(2) Don't contact her, and just let things lie. Work on yourself. You'll hear from her again, I predict.

bunny

mighty mouse:

--- Quote from: Portia ---Hiya Surf.

And to think she doesn't love you or care about you....remember, she doesn't love or care about anyone at all. It's not possible.




Portia and Surf,

I think this is THE hardest concept to get when dealing with an N...especially a parent. But I have to say that I couldn't really grow up until I fathomed that concept.

And it's hard to say who cut who loose. My NMom can't stand for me to put boundries in place so she has stopped calling, etc.. But I have to say that I have a sense of real joy that I never had before. I finally accepted the fact that she can't really love me (or anyone like you said), and it freed me to finally become a real adult. I know that sounds weird....I was too mature when I was a kid but never really got to grow up like I needed to. It feels good, but it has been a long process of letting go.

Good luck to you Surf. And Portia, your voice is always nice to hear.

MM
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