Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I guess That's It
Anonymous:
Hi Surf -- I am so sorry that you are feeling this grief about your relationship with your mother. She sounds as though she hasn't changed a bit from the way she was when you were a child -- clearly because she is incapable of changing.
You say you can feel your relationship with her is over. Since you say you've distanced yourself from her for many years, I wondered how your recent contact with her began. Did you contact her, or did she contact you? And in the past, has she "gotten over" her anger as time passed? I would think that would give you some clues about what will happen now. If she is a typical N, she will likely come back for more, as you have demonstrated that you're willing to continue communicating, even though she won't apologize.
Morgan
Anonymous:
HI Morgan, Mighty Mouse and Bunny;
thanks so much for responding and giving me the opportunity to dialogue about this and get some ideas.
Morgan: My mom and I had never completely lost touch but I had confronted her ten years ago with the abuse in the quintessential Susan Foreward style ("Toxic Parents"). This was received extremely poorly by her and she denied anything had ever happened; then called me a "cruel and viscious" person. That really cooled things down but I think she still wanted a relationship on her terms. About four years ago I returned home with my two daughters for the first time in 22 years. I hadn't been back because everytime she visited me ( I was living in CA at the time) things went poorly. On her trips she was demanding, judgemental and critical of me. Our trip back tho went pretty well as she was on her best behavior and my sister was there to buffer things. She visited me in Hawaii two years later with my sister and again she was on her worst behavior. The topic of the abuse and my confrontation was brought up by her at luch one day and (I should have known better than to let her draw me into a discussion about something like this that she can't handle). She did admit in a way to the abuse at the time and I was able to say "how do you think itmade me feel when I origianlly brought this up so we could deal wiht it and move on and you lied to me, called me viscious and then turned your back on me and walked away?" She just responded that she had flet attacked. In the admitting of it now she felt very vuknerable and again her defensed shot up and she left from this trip very angry at me. I felt an oodgie feeling being around her after awhile and at times, due to certain mean things she said and did, I felt I was in the presence of evil. I'm not trying to be dramatic but am describing it as I felt it.
Things cooled again as she never said thanks for the vacation time I spent taking her around Oahu; her only outward criticism was that I seemed tired. Well, I was after working and commuting all year and spending my two weeks off catering to her. I do have sole responsibilty for raising my daughters and providing for them as well as running a household. My goodness, yes I get tired. Anyone else might not have critcized but would have sensed my fatigue and stopped imposing.
Anyhow, I read a book about anger by Tich Hnat Hnan where he talked about a woman who healed her relationship with an alcoholic mother by just simply saying "I love you" to her everyday. Well, I felt this was something I could do to help things and bring some closure to our relationship. When I told my mom on the phone that I loved her she started to cry. It really meant alot to her I think. So, I got into the habit of talking with her on the phone for the past year and saying that to her frequently; she always seemed to really like it. She began to call me, something she never had really done, even at Christmasshe called! I would hear from her every two weeks or so. It was kind of nice although it required patience at times because of her self-centerdness. That brings me up to date to the story told above where I was expressing some feelings about my ex and she clearly went out of her way to dagger me and was openly disloyal to me in supporting him. That gave me the opportunity to make her more sensitive by letting her know gently that she had hurt my feelings. That is the way to move on from these things and carry on with a relationship. I can't just stand there and allow her to insult me after all I've been through giving my children a stable life, But she told my sister she had stopped writing because I was too critical of her. MY GOSH; I hadn't even voiced a criticism; I had merely reflected MY feelings and the rest is history. She was projecting her own thoughts about herself onto me and labeling me critcical. No way to get through here; no way to win.
(Sorry this is so long)
Bunny: you seem to understand her perfectly. Yes, she is exceedingly immature and has not changed. Amazing. And she doesn't want to. I'm afraid her silence is her way of saying that she will not consider my feelings no matter what and she will not change. She used to say years ago those famous words that I hate: "People will just have to accept me the way I am, I'm not changing". To me this is the true sign of a personality disorder.
I will do the second of your suggestions Bunny; just distance since this is her wish and I will honor it. But for now I will send her flowers on her birthday. Whether or not she responds doesn't really matter, I'm doing what's right but if she ignores my girls and myself for birthdays and Christmas that follow, I will cease trying. Its hard to tolerate too much rejection.
Hi MM; nothing you said sounded wierd. You have a very realistic and mature grasp on the problem. I was wondering if you have ANY contact with your mom anymore and did you feel guilty for enforcing the boundaries which she couldn't accept which led to severed contact?
Thanks again so much guys! Any more thoughts are welcome.
:)
Anonymous:
Sorry, that last posting was me of course. Surf
mighty mouse:
Dear Surf,
The last time I actually spoke to my Mom was about 1 year ago. We emailed once or twice around Christmas and then she emailed me in February asking about storms in my area (she knows nothing about me and that's the way she tries to seem concerned). I told her that if my house gets blown away that I would get around to letting her know eventually. Yes....that was a bit snipey. But I want to get into the habit of letting her know that I'm on to her faux concern and that's she's not important enough to know anything about me until I'm darn good and ready - i.e. on my terms, not hers. Of course I now know not to tell her anything very personal or very near and dear to my heart as she'll exploit it.
Like I mentioned on another post I am sort of in the process of rebelling against her like a teenager. But I have also come to the understanding that she will never change and doesn't really care about me (or anyone). I did send her a very non-committal B-day card but didn't send her a Mother's day card (she always counts how many cards she gets). So I decided to leave her one short. But I have decided it's more important to "have me" than to "have her". So I've finally copped to the idea that perhaps I won't ever see her again.
There was another thread here somewhere mentioning that you may have to be okay with being perceived as the "bad guy". And I'm okay with that now. I haven't gotten any emails so I'm sure that I offended her - it's not hard to do. But she can say the ickiest things and not be concerned, apologetic in the least. Hey, she's got 7 other children to kick around. She won't miss me. She knows I'm not Nsupply anymore. And it's lifted a huge burden!
MM
Anonymous:
Hi MM;
Your sense of freedom is refreshing sounding. If your mom is like my mom, and she sounds very similar, she will be greatly offended by the lack of a mother's day card. I too have learned only recently, and the hard way, not to talk with my mother about anything personal. After her last dagger I think she senses that and is offended. But when trust is destroyed its gone, whoosh! She is responsible for that. It sounds like you feel as though you really don't need your mother for anything anymore because of her toxicity. Its very sad.
My mother has been toying with excommunicating me ever since I confronted her with the abuse ten years ago. That's how she handles things when people need her to take responsibility. BOOM, she cuts them off. She may have decided to do this at last now. Kind of feels like that because she's never quite pulled away like this, or has she? Bunny may be right; she may be pouting.
I know what you mean by becoming comfortable with the bad guy role; I've definately been carrying this for some time now because of bringing out the past to my mom but I've never been comfortable with it. I'm just more used to being well liked and thought of and probably achieve a lot of esteem from that. So its an odd feeling when my mom sticks me in this role as a bad person, or a shameful person or whatever she constructs to shield her from her sins.
she is clear that i am not a good source of N supply and is acting accordingly I presume.
Aloha MM
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