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less:
About 2 years ago I lost my voice. I would gag when I spoke and had difficulty swallowing.  I had surgery to remove a small thyroid nodule but I still have on going problems.  Since then I have been told I have muscle tension dysphonia of the throat (very tight muscles) and that I probably should never have had surgery but counselling would be a really good idea!

A psychologist suggested that I look on-line for information/support re: children of N mothers. How surprised I was to find this site, "Voicelessness"...

I am only beginning to understand the emotional and physical aspects of it all.  As a child I spoke very little and my role in life was and has been to be an adoring audience to my mother.  My mother was an only child of incredibly doting parents who entered her in a baby contest. She won and a great fuss was made about how she was 100%- perfect, not 99% no, 100% A family story we are all quite sick of but headline news in 1915/16! Whether this was the triggering event that made her who she is I don't know. At 91 she is still perfect.  She needs constant attention and affection and crosses all boundaries to get it and always has.  I struggle with many of the issues I've seen posted and have learned a lot from the kind and wise replies.

In some ways I think I was set up. I was told that I was the "loving, warm one"  the one she loved, my brother and sister were distant and cold and her husband a drunk who wanted me aborted and so forth.  I struggled with the way she touched me when I was young and I still struggle. Now I feel I need to tell her not to touch me there or like that but I think, how absurd, she's an old lady, my mother  - which she will be sure to point out. I can hear it, " You are so sensitive, don't be such a moron, I'm your mother for g-sake." Sometimes I think maybe it's too late to say anything now but I don't think that's right either. I guess I don't want to trigger her sulking pouting hostile ways that can go on and on. I should have said something years ago instead of just freezing.  She used to go after boyfriends when my sister and I were younger and has been out of bounds with my husband too.   But her main target was and is me -"I've imprinted on you, nothing matters but you," she will say. I know I matter but not because she has ever been interested in me.  At times she has behaved like a jilted lover and so jealous of any affection I might show others. When I was in my 20's (30 years ago)I tried to get to know my father and asked him out for a drink after work. My mother would not talk to me for weeks.  When my sister got breast cancer my mother behaved in a very competitive way. My sister has taken a big step back.  Well there is a lifetime of living to sort out here and I have gone on too long.'

I am gearing up to defend myself I guess - physically and in every other way. It's taken a long time to even come to this point. It seems cruel to be rejecting of an old( but very healthy) woman but I need to define some boundaries in a clear and non-hurtful way if possible.  Need to find the words and the courage to deal fairly and honestly with this woman.

Anonymous:
less,

Welcome!  :)

Your mom has been very intrusive. Unfortunately, she won't change at age 91, so you may want to think of some practical strategies. Here are my quick ideas:

1) Decide on boundaries. Don't say anything negative to yourself about them. Be honest with yourself about what you want the boundaries to be.

2) Have some phrases ready to counter *her* phrases. When she says, "I'm your mother for god's sake," You can counter with, "Yes, I know that. And I'd still appreciate your not touching me right now. Thanks."

bunny

less:
Thanks Bunny - for the helpful ideas - I'm going to think about exactly what boundaries I need to shore up and develop some specific things to say so I'm not left...well, speechless by her behaviour. (I hope I've written this in the right place.)

mighty mouse:
Hi Less,

Well at least you haven't lost your sense of humor (LOL on the 1915/1916 headline news reference).

I think you'll find a voice here though!

I read a book entitled "Children of the Self-Absorbed that gave some good, practical tips on how to prepare and steel yourself when interacting with NMoms and NDads. This book has many typos, but the content is fairly decent.

Good luck.

MM

less:
thanks MM - I've been looking over the books listed on Amazon and wondering what ones to get.  "Steel yourself" -yes, that's what it feels like...maybe gird my loins too, whatever that means - I wonder if Brad Pitt girded his loins. Now I'm getting silly. Guess I'm feeling more relaxed out here in cyberpace. First  time is a leap. I also got mixed up. I registered as Les but when I went to submit it said the user name was taken (what?.. that's me! my life appropriated again, how ironic)) so I switched to Less which was accepted but has a poor me ring to it. Mighty Mouse is great. Good reinforcement of strength.  Ah me! thanks again!

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