"lost in self-aggrandizement and the pain of our mother's desertion."
Changing...I think you have clear eyes to see with.
I read each comment on each person and thought so kind and affirming to each person and so fitting a description.
I have been grappling with my intense needs to be seen, heard and acknowledged. I have own self-aggrandizing behaviour...when the pain of my inner child comes up it is as if my flaws begin to glare back at me through others...what I see in others is only a refection of me. I hope that my own self-aggrandizing behaviour is only a silver today compared to what it used to be...I beat myself up so hard for being selfish, intense, and emotional.
The following is something that I wrote the other day:
As a little baby I needed affirming and that IS what I
got, but what was affirmed was not that I was lovable
and good but rather a deep belief that I was and that
I am bad.
Why, because once I was a little bundle of big needs
and strong emotions; it was all that I could identify
myself with and it was more than my N mom could handle.
In the tenderness of my early childhood my needs were
rejected by the displeasure they caused my mom
therefore confirming the self-image that I must be
bad. Then comes the rage that a little baby feels
when her needs don't get met, a rage that if expressed
causes a stronger reaction of displeasure from my mom.
My rage got pushed down and lately is has been up, my
arms burn and my heart aches, we can't heal what we
can't feel.
Today, as an adult, when I don't get my needs met or
someone squishes me by belittlement, it pushes old
buttons (which I try not to react to) but instead I
stay with the process and feel my old hurt and anger.
I look to see how I am still acting out the drama of
my childhood, the unfulfilled wishes and needs to be
seen, to be heard and to be understood and to be
valued.
As a baby and child I was voiceless and deep inside,
at times, my actions still scream from that place of
my murdered soul....
My nights have been dark, I have been reliving the
earliest years of my life, re-feeling the terror and
the loneliness I experienced as a baby.
I can't reach out for anything anymore (although I still do), not
relationships, not medications, not conforming,
food, or shopping and I can't act out (even
though I still do) Realistically, I
will be acting out and healing for the rest of my
life.
Today, I have to reach into my little girl, let her
rage and express all that was unexpressed and mourn
her losses all the while silently screaming and
reaching up to God to hear and to hold me. When I
become intense...others run for the hills, it is hard
to accept each other especially when we are in our
pain. The one thing that allows me to get moving on
with my life is compassion. If I don't get it from
others than I give it to myself.
God's love and Mercy can reach into our deepest wounds and
heal us. All of this healing started for me last
Spring when I started looking again at my behaviors
and became willing to let go of some attachments. Some
of our wounds are deeper and different, but the
mourning is the same.
Lise
