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N mothers

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October:
This is quite a sad story, but I think it fits here.  A school friend of mine died a week or so ago, and I am going to the funeral on Wednesday, (as long as I can do it, which is not guaranteed), mainly for the sake of the twin sister of my friend, who has said she would appreciate my being there to support her.  

However, in the course of talking about parents, she told me the following.  Her mother may or may not be an N - I don't know the woman enough to say, but she was certainly supremely selfish when the girls were small, and totally wrapped up in her own needs, to the exclusion of any emotional needs they may have had, or have now, so the signs are there.  I think there are also abusive behaviours hidden away, but neither of my friends would ever talk too much about that.  Anyway, this mother has a sister, who has also lost a daughter to cancer this year.  The mother and this aunt will be at the funeral.

According to my remaining friend, the two women have been comparing notes, and trying to outdo one another in claiming suffering for their daughters.  Each one wants to be the mother of the most suffering daughter, in order to 'win' this particular competition.  The mother has told my friend to be nice to the aunt, because she is 'still grieving', which is a very nice way of minimising the aunt's grief really.

Which is why L needs support at the funeral of her twin sister.

We plan to sit in the garden looking at photographs, which is what L needs to do.

C

less:
Dear October,

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a friend is so sad and in your case compounded by these warring mothers.  They really won't be there for the sister of your friend. Too much else going on.  I can see why it's very important for you to go and support the sister.
 
It astounds me that even in the event of death these dynamics are operating. I experienced this 3 weeks ago when a good friend was killed in a car accident. I don't usually tell my mother about events in my life because they tend to stir up jealousy and competition. But  I thought I would explain to her why I would be away for a couple of days. A few days later she called my 24 year old daughter and told her that she didn't really understand what the fuss was about and besides didn't anyone remember that SHE (my mother)  had had cancer!  (uterine, 20 years ago, everthiing fine)

The need for attention seems to be so overwhelming that it overrides the ability to give desperately needed support. It really is a sad story you have told. These mothers could be of great comfort to each other but sadly  haven't found their way there.  Narcississm or whatever related problem this is so emotionally crippling...for everyone. No one wins

I wish you a peaceful time of remembering in the garden.

Anonymous:
Cathy -- I'm so sorry you lost your friend, and am glad that you are trying to go to the funeral to support her sister. Having a twin sibling die must be an especially difficult experience, and it sounds as though her family will be fighting for dominance at the event, rather than supporting each other.

Just to add another story about Nism and funerals, when my grandfather died quite a few years ago, I wasn't earning much, and in a phone conversation with my mother I asked her if she would help me pay for the plane ticket to go to the funeral (a request I now deeply regret). She said No, she wouldn't. About an hour later she phoned back and said she had changed her mind, and that she would help pay for the ticket after all because she had decided it would be useful to her to have me there.

Needless to say, I wanted to go to mourn my grandfather, not to serve her, so I told her I had changed my mind and I wasn't going. I'm actually glad I didn't, because it would have all been about her. I was happier to remember my grandfather in my own way.

Morgan

Karin guest:
It seems that the worst of N behaviour really comes to the fore when there is death or sickness.

When my father was diagnosed with liver cancer a few years ago, my brother and I flew over to NZ to give support to him and Mum. While there, my N-MIL (who lives in the same country) rang to say how 'sorry she was' and that when we all come over again for the funeral she'll organise a family reunion for us.

The lack of empathy in these people sticks out a mile in these situations because that's when it is most required. Their behaviour goes beyond any social inadequacies, they just lack that 'milk of human kindness'.

My thoughts are with you Cathy.
Karin

October:
Well, it is now Tuesday, and the funeral is tomorrow.  I spoke by phone yesterday to the husband and the sister and now I am very unsure what to do.

The husband told me that A left instructions for the funeral, that she did not want to be there.  She did not want people 'staring and gawping' at her, and she did not want to be taken into the Hall (she was a JW).  At first it was going to be curtains in the windows of the hearse for privacy, but now it is going to be that the hearse will be nowhere in sight.  So the funeral is to be held without her.  She is to be taken direct to the crematorium, and noone will see her.  Next, he told me that she was a modest person, and doesn't want too much made of her in the service; no undue praise or dwelling on her; she wants the emphasis to be on the Bible and scripture, and herself to be only mentioned in passing.

Which leaves me feeling very confused, and even more sure than before that A is as invisible and voiceless as many of us, even in her dying.

This funeral is 120 miles away, and I really do not see the point of going to achieve closure, when I will not be able to do so.  There is still L, the sister, who still wants to see me, but ...

So do I go or not.  No idea.

Cathy

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