Totally lost

[Certain Hope]

Sandra,

You did so very well! Compromising on the time and then picking up R when you said that you would - that was a very mature, respectful (of yourself and of R!) way to handle the situation. Congratulations (((((((Sandra)))))))) : )   I am so sorry that these growth pains are causing you to suffer. Just thinking here... if I had behaved like R, I don't believe that my mother would have come to see me or been willing to compromise a bit. You are a very good mama to let your love shine through all the hurts, Sandra. Your daughter is blessed.
Please take really good care of yourself and keep looking forward, not back.

With love,
Hope

[pennyplant]

I have to agree with CH on this one.  When I was a hurting teenager, anytime I did anything remotely like what R is doing, my mother pushed me away even further.  She didn't have it in her to keep reaching for me as you did with R.  I imagine that someday R will look back and see what a gift you are giving her.  She will probably also feel sorrow for her actions, but all of this is probably necessary on some level.  This is how she will discover who she really is and you are helping her to do just that.  She will come back to you in a less hurtful way some day.

[Hopalong]

Megadittoes to CH and PP and Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((Sandra)))))))))))))))))))))))

Your love is not wasted. It truly isn't. It's the test and marathon of a lifetime in some situations and you have truly behaved like a mother here. Not acting out the pain, not ruining or "making her pay". Hold your boundaries in the sense of not letting her be rude or abusive to her. But keep showing up. That weekly contact may turn out to be an oasis for her. You are, right now, modeling for her what commitment is all about.

I wanted to tell you...you may not have read my history here but about a year ago I was in terror that I had lost my angry daughter for good. She, at 25, was hissing rage and blame into my face with such intensity that my heart broke (again). I tried with everything I have to stay constant AND to pull back and show respect for her boundaries and space. It seems to have changed now, and last night she called and talked to me about how she feels people need to have respect for their parents and elders and then got on the phone with her Ngrandmother to tell her sincerely what were the good things she'd been given by her.

She also visited recently and since then has called several times just to be in loving connection.

So please don't despair. Your D has a long way to go until adulthood and her abandonment is her acting out. She doesn't know any other way to be powerful.

Right now you need to be loving yourself so much, Sandra. You do deserve love and kindness and friendship. But your D is not going to be a very good source of it for a while.

love
Hops

[sandra]

Thank you (((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))
Your love and support has kept me going thank you for all your help and advice I hope one day she will return but for the time being i am just pleased  to have seen her for a couple of hours.

lots of love

Sandra x

[changing]

Hello Sandra-

There, there, don't despair Sandy my child. I recently read something that speaks to your situation- " Dealing with teenagers is like nailing Jello to trees!" Your xNH is acting horribly, but I am glad that you haven't taken the bait. Your loving and reasonable conduct under fire deserves- A MEDAL! A bright strong heart upon a diaper rampant... the Order of the Mum! Remember to listen to General Hopalong- one of the greatest strategic brains in history, mind you. There now, your medal is pinned on, and you are an officer. Keep up the good work! (You may stand at ease, now)

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Changing

[lighter]

Oh Sandra.... so sorry you're going through this.

From outside looking in.....

I want to tell you to treat your dd the way you want her to treat you. 

Have the relationship with her you want to have, as far as you can control it.

She'll come around eventually...... it'll just take some time.

Don't allow her to be abusive to you..... teach her how to respectfully require decent treatment for herself.... by requiring it yourself.

She's still learning from you.... you're still modeling behavior for her. 

Take this time to practice self care rituals and get back in tune with yourself. 

I don't know how to stop agonizing but..... if you can start nurturing yourself and stop the agonizing...... your life will improve 100% in that moment.

Your N is dealing with the teen angst now..... and you have time to breath. 

Take heart, buy some wonderful books,  make some lovely cups of your favorite cozy time beverage and snuggle into baths and bed and read and do facials and yoga or whatever makes you feel sacred and special again. 

I'm thinking that about the time you get into a good routine..... your dd will be phoning you to come back home: / 

[Hopalong]

anybody know why this thread always pops up first when I log in and hit Unread Posts, even though there's never a new post on it?

No biggie, just wondering...

Hops