How would it be just to "feel" without censoring it?

[Ami]

I want to face the N damage that I have in order to heal . I am seeing what exactly got damaged. I read that the N mother lets the D thrive intellectually,but not emotionally.
  This is so true for me. I have always escaped pain by going in to my intellect by reading or studying s/thing new. I can go there and blot out the emotional pain.
I have so much emotional pain b/c   I  have to be "perfect" in my emotions. I am very afraid of my emotions. I feel "screamed at"(inside) if I have ANY  emotion that is not perfect. What is not perfect? Any emotion that is not "nice", "kind" unselfish, giving,loving etc.
  So, I feel guilty for 95% of my emotions.My wish would be just to FEEL whatever I feel. My problem really isn't acting wrong( very much). It is being   gulty for  what I am feeling.
  It is like my M  went in to my head and attached a "sensor" that gives me a "shock" any time I feel an emotion other than the perfect ones.The "shock" is a voice of condemnation.it makes me shrivel  in to a ball.
  I am very tired of "negating" myself at the deepest level. All  people must have similar emotions..If not,how do you account for humor? Humor tells the 'truth" in a socially acceptable way So, this must mean that people have all kinds of "bad" emotions and thoughts.
 I am really, really tired of this "drama" in my head.
  I simply want to be able to feel what I feel without rejecting myself and feeling like I am a "bad' person for all my feelings.                   Ami
 

[Gabben]

Ami,

I simply want to be able to feel what I feel without rejecting myself and feeling like I am a "bad' person for all my feelings. 

My mom rejected my emotions, negative and all, when I was a little baby and throughout my teens and adult life. It took many years to learn that all feelings are acceptable, and I too am still learning to let go of my guilt around the negative emotions.

I am sitting here at my desk about ready to scream because by boss's voice is like finger nails on a chalk board and he won't stop talking...my emotional reaction is way stronger than what a normal reaction ought to be...I feel like a baby crying that annoying angry cry when she is disturbed. I want to yell or scream "shut up"..."go get a cocktail." Instead I am listening to my little girl quietly inside express all that she was not allowed to express.

My mom would argue and yell with my dad from the earliest stages of my life. When I was 9 months she attempted to commit suicide (but it was a ploy or manipulation to get my dad's attention because he was having an affair on her. He is a N too). She was placed in a straight jacket and sent to the mental ward. All of that yelling and screaming of hers must have really scared me as a baby and made me angry. I can just visualize my little face.

And now, my boss won't stop talking, I have not heard him stop for over an hour now...I'm 9 months old emotionally and screaming quietly all that old repressed pain out...it sucks!

BTW: I read your story on the members story part of the board. There is a lot there for me to relate with.


Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 I am SO SORRY for all that you went through.I am so glad that you are on the board. You really are a "soul sister" to me. We are not alone anymore. It helps
  Have you done any inner child exercises? These helped me more than any other modality. If you have, what has been your experience with them?                        Ami

((((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))
 

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

Actually I have not done any inner child exercises, I just bought a book yesterday called Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - do you know of it?

I'm interested.

I'm happy that you are so suppotive here to me and others. I bet you are a really caring and warm mom to your son (or sons)?


((((((((((((AMI)))))))))))))
Lise

[Ami]

You are sweet.I had ONE guiding rule as a mother--- Don't be like mine-lol. My favorite inner child books are by Margaret Paul. I got the book and workbook. I have not done any exercises for a few weeks. I keep "avoiding" doing them b/c they are painful BUT then you feel much better.
   It is much better to get the pain out than keep it in. The pain(kept inside) manifests in many ways and "controls" us.It is better to   feel the pain with the inner child exercises than  have "addictions, for example.
  So many problems--so little time--bleh.              Love  Ami
 
 

[Gabben]

So many problem's little time--bleh. 

In eternity we will have no problems and all the time....

Luv,
Lise

[Ami]

Once I can write s/thing,it is on it's way out.Once it reaches a "thread",it has been identified.The hardest part is feeling all the pain that results in the "birth" of a thread.
  I couldn't sleep last night----so many emotions. Today, we are having a party.I thought that I wasn't nervous ,but I am. This must just be normal.
  I saw ,over the past few weeks, that my H will never value the "essential me". The essential me has been so underground for so long.  The essential me would never have married him-. The essential me would never have been abused. It would have seen my F lying to me at 14 and said,'No way,I am going to trust myself .". It would have stayed intact like Tayana refusing to give up her "creativity " to her M, although her M took everything else.
  So, I see that I have value. I have qualities that I like.
  Now,it comes down to "accepting my feelings"----all of them--. This is the next step. My Aunt was telling me that she accepts her feelings. She said, "It is only human, Ami dear."
 That is what I want.It is my next step.                          Ami

[Ami]

I guess the BIG,BIG thing that I don't want to face is that my H is my enemy(basically),emotionally. He grew up where the woman were abused. The men provided and the woman were abused. I was already denuded,emotionally, so it was a good fit.
  Now, I faced the big piece in the puzzle . My H is abusive. If he can't "hurt" me,he wants to. He is not a friend in terms of s/one having your back. He does not "actively" abuse me b/c I am too "strong".however, he 'wants" to and that is what hurts.
 I feel much more whole today b/c this revelation has been "birthed"
  Yesterday, Maria was over and I was talking to her about this. She said that I am"right on" in my perceptions. My H can turn on you in a second( as he has done with her,also)
 So, I appreciate that I can come here and grow by sharing the 'truth' until one day--- I get "normal"(face the truth )
 Also, I am seeing that with Maria, she has flaws like she can be manipulative. However,I have flaws. I can be aloof. I see that only in my M's N mind were there perfect people. Oh, the "lie' about perfection. There were supposed to be perfect people out there. I was supposed to be one. I was a complete failure b/c I wasn't. So, I needed to find some perfect people to tell me what to do and how to do it. However, when they had any flaws, then I could drop them and go in search of another perfect person. That is N logic--isn't it?
  Maria  told me a little white lie that she didn't realize that I 'knew". So, the moral is that she is imperfect but  I love the special qualities about her.I am imperfect but I have things that I like and value. Maybe another N lesson has been unlearned.
   Thanks again for being there.       Love   Ami                                     


 Today, I feel much more alive b/c I faced s/thing that I would not up until now. Everything seems more '"real"----including me

[Ami]

This is what I want --pure and simple. I want to love my core and my "'insides" so I don't have to ask for it from the outside.I used to have "fun" in life b/c I used to be this way. Just stating an intention, I guess.              Ami

[Ami]

I put out the "intention" to face my emotions . Maybe ,s/one can relate. I need to relate it so I can get it out of my system.
  My S knew that I was tired after everyone left. He wanted to talk to me about work. I said that I could not pay the kind of attention that he wanted. He had a 'fit" telling me that i was nice to everyone,but had no time for him.
   I saw that he was being totally selfish.
  Then, he started "bugging" me(which he does when he is angry.)Then he started insulting me. I locked the door, then
  I guess that I saw everyone's innate selfishness--including my own. It hurts to see this. I guess that facing human nature--my own and other people's simply hurts. What do you think?                    Ami