Author Topic: Snap shot of an N mom  (Read 12568 times)

Gabben

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Snap shot of an N mom
« on: November 17, 2007, 09:42:46 PM »

When I was 15, my sophomore year of highschool, I met a girl who I quickly became close friends with and eventually I confided my moms verbal and emotional abuse to her. It made her angry, she was the first supportive person I had ever met and she called a spade a spade,  telling me that my mom was abusive. I told her "but she does not hit me, how can she be abusive?" My freind Mary taught me about emotional and mental abuse. The more I came to terms with the reality of my moms abuse, that it was my mom and not me that was bad, the more courage I got to start speaking up to my mom - big mistake, or was it?

My mom was always suspicious of my friends and she didn't like Mary. But she let me spend the night at her house one Friday night. I came home on Saturday morning to find my mom in a rage towards my adoptive father, this was fairly typical behavior for her. As soon as I walked through the door my mom turned her rage on me, I was beginning to reach my limits, especially with the new support I was getting from Mary. I wanted Mary and her parents to come back and get me like she said that they would the next time my mom started a verbal assult on me. As I reached for the phone to call her, the cord brushed up against my mom's arm, I froze. My mom got silent and then, in an evil calm voice, said "you just hit me, I'm calling the police." I could not actually think that she would do it, she did. When the police showed up, my mom acted sanely while pointing a finger at me claiming that I was abusing her.

The police never even asked me what happened, they put handcuffs on me and led me to the car. I was wearing penny loafers and a pink button down collar shirt, I didn't drink or use drugs, I was still virgin, I was in all academic classes on the tennis team  - I was a good kid. I could not believe what was happening. I spent the weekend in Juvenal Hall, humiliated.  At the hall a counselor brought me into his office and began questioning me, suspiciously. I told him that I did nothing wrong and that my mom was to blame. He got a disgusted look on his face towards me and said "you kids are all the same, always blaming your parents."


On Sunday my mom came to visit me - I could not believe it. She sat across the table telling me what a wreck I looked " I have never seen you look so unhappy, what is wrong with you?" She said. Tears were streaming down my face, I was so humiliated and angry  that I couldn't not speak. She asked me for and apology when I would not answer she got up and walked out.

Later that evening my Dad came to pick me up - we drove home in silence.



Lise

Ami

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2007, 10:01:52 PM »
Dear Lise
  I am SPEECHLESS at that betrayal. I am in AWE( the bad type of awe) . I cannot even find words to say about the "evil" of your M.
  There is evil in the world. I was thinking of my M ,in terms that she allowed in evil and then became a "tool" for evil.
  So, essentially,it was not "her" anymore ,but "evil" operating and almost "owning" a body.
   My God, when I read your thread, I thought that  there MUST be evil that the person lets in so much that they  then "embody" evil.
   Let me ask you s/thing, Lise. Does this memory have the 'proper" emotions ( deep,deep grief and pain)with it or are you emotions muted as you describe it?    Ami


((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))
                                     
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2007, 10:11:24 PM »
To your questions but a couple of things first.  BTW your compassion just brought tears to my eyes.

in terms that she allowed in evil and then became a "tool" for evil.
  So, essentially,it was not "her" anymore ,but "evil" operating and almost "owning" a body.


Spiritual warefare...the devil loves the mentally ill.

If you think that that story is bad, you have not read anything - I'm just getting started but I don't want to one-up people with how bad my N mom was vs yours, if you know what I mean? We all had it bad we ALL HURT and the mourning is the same for each of us. I don't want to minimize others pain and because of this I never tell my story unless it is a therapist.

The reason that I wrote this is because last night I started having the memories. I have cried a few times. But I think, like you said, the pain is still there...perhaps I will sleep tonight better after some deep sobs, thanks for your response Ami.

Lise




Ami

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2007, 10:19:56 PM »
---Lise. You really did have deep,deep betrayal. I have been avoiding doing the the inner child exercises b/c they "hurt",but as you said, then you feel "cleaner' and 'lighter'
  Lise---I want to affirm that you were betrayed so ,so deeply .I feel haunted by your story b/c you were betrayed by the friends family too. What is so pitiful was that you had a little hope and you were beaten down so much for the crime of having a little hope and strength.
  I am getting dizziness come over me as a "sympathetic "response to your post. Lise, thank goodness that you found God . I am so "overwhelmed' at how horrible your story is that I cannot even "voice' it.
  I am very glad that you shared b/c I think that it will be freeing for you,in time, that you expressed it.     Love   Ami


((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))))))

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2007, 12:56:42 AM »
Lise.

She was a very very sick woman.

I am so sorry for that terrible terrible moment and all that followed.

It is a crushing story.

(And you are not crushed. I know that.)

Are you alone a lot, now? I think you need warm loving hugs from a community that adores you.

Here's one.....(((((((Lise)))))))

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Leah

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2007, 07:36:27 AM »
Dear (((( Lise ))))

My heart goes out to with true genuine experiential empathy.

You have been brave enough to share, quite openly, of your mother's evil behaviour.

To be honest, I don't feel comfortable about sharing it at this present moment in time. Though I have shared previously to a certain extent.  Maybe, I just don't need to rehash it.  That's a positive statement for my present position, in my journey.

In any case, someone affirmed that my mother had evidenced psychopathic tendencies in her life long behaviour.  Another has said psychotic.

What has been done unto you, has been done unto me also.  While my heart has no desire to label my mother, or indeed anyone, however. her history of behaviour is the deciding factor.  Bad enough having to say that my mother is N, to place a P alongside, is quite something else! 

Truth is, that there are many others out there, who likewise, suffer at the hands of a mother such as ours, hearts crying out in the wilderness of despair.

Have you ever read "A Child Called It?"  His mother was evil.  His father did nothing.  My heart wept of all his mother had done.

They have no conscience.  They are empty.  Truth is, they are empty vessels filled only with contempt and envy for what they lack, as they see in others, what they lack  --- they are then driven to destroy.

Reality, it's true, and we cannot hide from what is true.

(((( Lise)))) the light at the end of the tunnel is that you are now walking on the road to healing.  Truly, you will heal, and you will have a new life of new beginnings, it's your journey, be at peace, for the journey belongs to you, as does the time-line.

Just keep sharing as you feel led.

Prayers for you along the way.

Much Love & Hugs to you,

Leah

Edit:  Your mother, like mine, knew that no-one would believe her word against that of her child (mine is a classic Saint NP) both knew exactly what they were doing, both are very very clever, sadly, they chose not to put their cleverness to better use; for the good of others.

All very much 'behind closed doors' despite the outward signs of social status, affluence and respectability.  So clever, that no-one can see what truly goes on.  Any of it. All of it.  Or maybe, they choose not to?!  Turn a blind eye as a silent witness??
« Last Edit: November 18, 2007, 09:28:15 AM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

gratitude28

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2007, 08:04:57 AM »
((((((((((((Oh,Lise)))))))))))))))
I think the only reason my mother never thought of doing something like that is that it would have looked bad about our "family." Your mother was smart and cruel and knew just how to "get you." I also never suffered from physical abuse and my mother's tricks were a bit more closeted than yours. I am glad you are here. Please share your stories... it will help you to exorcise them.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

lighter

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2007, 08:45:29 AM »
Gabben:  What did your new friend and her family do or say about that terrible injustice to you?

What did your adoptive father have to say?  Why was he silent on the way home and why did he let the police take you away?

That you were left defenseless is a tragedy...... people want to believe the adult..... the mama..... is under control and loves her children. 


Sometimes they don't..... sometimes you just survive and escape it.

You'll find people who understand here and you don't have to keep it under your hat bc you're afraid to one up other posters.

This place isn't about staying small and quiet so nobody will attack or demean you.... it's about letting the sunshine in so you can heal through shared experiences.  Everyone believes you here..... without explaining..... just type and you're understood and beleived.  What a gift.

I'm sorry you were treated with such cruelty..... you didn't deserve it.  You deserved a mama who was kind and loving and you didn't get that.  (((( Gabben))))

Overcomer

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2007, 08:51:01 AM »
Wow Lise-It makes me angry because I felt like I was you!  The emotions ran high in me while I was reading it-I could feel it!  Love to you and affirmation!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Ami

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2007, 10:36:30 AM »
Dear Leah,
  I am so sorry that your M was like this,also. How horriible for you, I am so very,very sorry.  Love   Ami


(((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

reallyME

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2007, 11:47:11 AM »
Lise,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, first of all.

I am in a situation much like yours, except my 18 yr old daughter is the abuser.  I am coming very close to filing for separation and living on my own.  My 8 yr old is petrified about mommy and daddy splitting up, my 13 year old bottles her feelings and the 18 year old would like nothing less than to have my husband and children all to herself.

I'm tired of standing up for myself to a husband who is so totally snowed by this child.  I'm weary of fighting this losing battle, so, I'm giving it all to God.  I can't win for losin anyway.  Everything has been turned back on me and I am the outcast in my own home, while I watch this 18 yr old child woo everyone over to her side against me.  The only one who fully stands with me is my 8 yr old, and I never wanted this for her...to feel so torn by people.

We are not a family at all...we are an ILLUSION.

~Laura

Ami

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2007, 11:53:40 AM »
One thing that I did with both of my pregnancies----- was PRAY not to have daughters. There would have to be for a stronger person than I out there who could cope with a D.
  I am sorry for all the pain. Family pain like that is devastating.             Love   Ami

(((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2007, 05:24:42 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear that you had a mom like this ((((((hugs))))))

I hope you find peace from your past.
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really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
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changing

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #13 on: November 19, 2007, 01:19:57 AM »
Lise-

I am angry, sad and upset at what you have suffered from your NM. There are so many people who do not have children and would give anything to have a sweet daughter to love and care for. Your NM and F wasted a precious gift- an opportunity to love their daughter. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself, and avoiding anyone who is duplicious or gutless, You deserve to be well-treated,loved,  treasured and protected.

(((((Lise)))))

Love,

Changing

Hopalong

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Re: Snap shot of an N mom
« Reply #14 on: November 19, 2007, 03:55:31 AM »
RM--
I hear you. I know you are going through some real devastation right now.
Please start a thread on what's happening with you.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."