My progress report and mommy power

[lighter]

Tay:

Enjoy the energy and Holiday Spirit that's upon you.

I love reading about it!  The joy of baking and creating holiday goodies with your own hands. 

I just want to point out.....

if your mother can upset you with a simple short card to M.... what can she do when she's got M, face to face?

You're feeling strong enough to handle anything right now.... that's a blessing.

I just don't want it to lead you into something you could have avoided by setting boundaries around the holidays, which you may have to do envetually bc of her behavior.

What does your brother say about your parents attending?  Did your parents say they probably wouldn't come bc of health or something? 

[tayana]

Lighter, you are exactly right, and if I have to set boundaries I will.   I won't lie down and tolerate her bad behavior if she's there.

They were invited before I went NC, but they have never said yes or no as to whether or not they are coming.  My brother's a little apprehensive about it too, because it could end up being nasty.  I don't intend to let things get nasty.  If it gets nasty I'm going home.

She could do a lot face to face, and anytime she gets M to herself she plays this game of running me down and twisting the things I've done around.  It's not funny.  She denies she's doing it, but I'm not naive.

I wasn't so upset by the card, just really irritated.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   Just want to say 'Hi" . You are making wonderful progress.                         Love    Ami

((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))

PS--Have you done any writing?

[finding peace]

Hi Tay,

Sorry in advance for the typos - smashed my fingers pretty badly, so I am having trouble typing.

Just wanted to say that i am so, so glad to hear that yuo are doing so well.

Frankly - that card would have irritated me too.  Not because of the card so much, but because of the recent history behind your relationship (not seeing her as often).  Had she simply wanted to send a card without potentially making M feel bad (my kids would have felt bad because she was feeling bad about missing them), she could have sent a card saying thinking of you and sending you lots of love.  It is the same old same old IMO - the subtle manipulations.

Your T might not realize it because htat is how they work (and why they get away with it most of the time - it is the little drops of acid over time - well in your case, have to say there have bee some huge buckets of acid as well!!

In any case, I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your brother and his family.  I lam hopeful that your parents don't show up, but wouldn't be surprised if they did.  I understand wanting to spend the holidays with family - have been feeling a little down that I don't have my FOO to celebrate with (wishful thinking on my part - I remind myself it would be a nightmare anyway). 

I do like your idea that if they show up, and she starts up, simply draw your line in the sand once, and if she crosses it again. Leave.  If it happens, don't allow yourself to feel badly about it, rather tell yourself you tried, she cannot change, and let it go.  I am a little worried that it may be too soon to see her - you have made so many positive changes recently.  I am worried that this might tip the scales back a bit.   But you know, you have alread worked through so much, I have no doubt you can handle this as well.

I am really glad to hear you doing so well!

Peace

On edit:  Forgot to mention I hope you feel better - sending you some homemade, chunky chicken cyber-soup.

[Hopalong]

hi Tay,
Got to say that I belatedly realize I do share Lighter's and Peace's concern about you exposing yourself to her at all...

I'm concerned she'll use ANY chance in M's vicinity to use emotional blackmail, oh-boo-hoo-poor-Grandma's-MISSED-you (sob) scenes, or worse, oh-boo-hoo-M-you're-(something lacking or negative)-you-need-Grandma-DON'T-you? scenes.

You can handle the ups and downs but seriously, knowing the history--how much of a high price do you think you would pay for Tgiving in her presence? Are you prepared?

I do think if you walk in the door with a certain Don't-F***-With-Me-EVER-AGAIN glint in your eye, and body language that cannot be confused with submission...you might get through. But but but...

Is it worth it?

What about some people's customs of celebrating holidays at different times? Like, some do Xmas on Xmas Eve. Some wait until after it all. I don't know...

Just wanting to plot your escape route. Would be awful to say NO MORE and then have M pitch a fit because he wants to stay "with Grandma".

Wanna role play?

Hops

[tayana]

Arrrgh!  So today, I hike up to the mailbox for the mail.  I got a card from my parents, a Thanksgiving card.

There's no return address, but I know who it's from.  So I open it with some trepidation expecting something that knocks me in the teeth.  There's nothing.  It's just signed Mom and Dad.  It has the feel of something very forced, like my dad forced my mother to send it or something. 

I'm going to go have supper now and some tea.  I need some tea.  I'll respond more later.

I have to go detox from this.

[seasons]

           (((((tayana))))))

I'm going to go have supper now and some tea.  I need some tea.  I'll respond more later.

I have to go detox from this.

Hope it helps. seasons

[finding peace]

Hi Tay,

My mom did this as well.  Last T-day I got a basket of plants and my kids got stuffed animals.  I was approx. one month NC at the time.

Do you have a friend who lives close to you.  I asked my H to vet the mail for me.  If she sent something, I asked him to read it and to let me know if there was anything I needed to know (critical information) - if there was nothing critical - it went in the trash.  I also had him vet any letters that came for the girls.  To make sure that she was acting appropriately.

I was too close at the time to handle it - it would set me right off. 

If you don't have someone close by who can pre-read - can you put anything that comes in the mail aside until you feel well enough to handle it?  (I am guessing here, you mentioned that you feel like you are getting a cold - when I am sick, it is so much harder to deal - when I am physically run down, it is harder for me to hold my emotional boundaries).

Another option might be the T, although I am hesitant to suggest if after their reaction to M's letter.

Hang in there Tay - I am thinking of you,

Peace

[lighter]

What I'm afraid of, Tay.....

is your having a traumatic Thanksgiving Day that leaves you and M reeling for weeks..... maybe months.

You're on such a high note..... partially bc of the NC boundary, IMO.

To give that boundary up..... so easily.....makes me worry for you, dear.

And M too.

I don't want you to have to live through another train wreck esp if you could have easily avoided it.

I know we pays our monies and takes our chances.... but.... when is it enough?


You've certainly paid more than your fair share so, I know you can continue to ponie up if you have to...... it won't break you.  You would have broken a long time ago if that was the case. 

It's like watching you happily board a train.... I'm almost sure will wreck.   

You can stay happy and baking and enjoying your holiday..... you don't have to get on the train, Tay.

[tayana]

Unnng.  I definitely have a cold.  If the headache I had when I got up this morning is any indication of how M has felt, I'm sorry I thought he was faking to get out of school.

I have recovered from opening my mother's "holiday" card, although I really feel lousy today.  I hope I feel better tomorrow.

FP, I don't really have someone who could look at my mail before me.  I just have to brace myself when I get anything from them.  I really expected there to be some sort of note, something snide and hateful.  I think just the blank card and the generic signature was just as bad though.  It was a slap in the face.  I feel like I'm that person in the family that no one talks about and everyone whispers about.

Lighter, I have already promised myself that if my mother is there and she's not on her best behavior, I'll draw the line in the sand and leave.  I'll just tell her if she's going to be nasty, then I'm going home.  And then I'll go back to NC, and make sure Christmas is done at my house.  And if my bro wants to have Christmas with mom and dad, then he can go to them.

This is sort of a test, but even if all goes well, I don't intend to rely on her for anything.  I don't trust her.  M probably won't be spend a lot of time with her, at least not time alone.

FP, I sort of have two T's, but I just started with the one.  I wanted to change because the one I've been seeing doesn't really understand sometimes.  Like with the card thing.  He's been very helpful, but I think I've gone as far as I can with him.  I'm supposed to see the other one Tues.  I'll probably need to if I have to deal with my parents over the holiday.

[lighter]

::Watching the train leave the platform::

::Waving::

I find using Zicam, the kind you squirt in your nose.... like clear mucous ick.... helps shorten the duration of a cold.

Cleaning out your pipes, with Ocean or saline, helps too.

Feel better, Tay. 

[tayana]

Zicam huh?  I'll have to give that a try.

I took some cold medicine earlier and now I'm sleepy.

[gratitude28]

Tay,
Going back to what you said about not letting the holiday get ugly...
Somehow, even before I knew what was going on in my family, I figured out the best way to counter my mother was to remain calm and stoic. So, one time (this happened a few times, but this one was the hardest for me), I flew to Texas to visit them. When I got there, she immediately started screaming that I didn't even come to see them, I just wanted to see my friends, and other nasty stuff. I picked up the phone book, told her I would change my reservation and return immediately. She calmed down and this happened two or three more times over the years until she saw I would not play and I was dead serious.
Stick to your guns. She will try ANYTHING to get you enmeshed again. I promise you. Disengage, disengage, disengage.
And take some therma flu and wrap up in a blanket and eat some garlic to ward off the nasty cold.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Beth, thanks for the advice.  That is sort of how I'm planning to deal with her, just cool and collected.  I'm not going to get into arguments, debates or try to explain any decisions I've made.  I'm not going to play the blame game.  I'm not going to fill her in on all the details of my life she's missed out on.  She's going to get a very bare bones telling, if that, basically that I'm still alive and working, but I have a cold.  She's not going to get information about M or school or work.  She's not going to get anything else.  Things will stay on neutral topics, or I will walk out and enjoy the rest of my holiday at home.

I'm going to go home in about a half hour.  I didn't sleep hardly at all last night.  I foolishly made something to bring into work today, and I had to wait for the oven.  And I also foolishly put in the Queer As Fold DVD I got yesterday and was watching that.  That show is addictive.  So I didn't even go to bed until late, and then I couldn't sleep.

Can't do the garlic though.  I apparently have a massive intolerance to garlic.

[finding peace]

Hi Tay,

I know this feeling:   "I feel like I'm that person in the family that no one talks about and everyone whispers about."  (Although at this point I think most of them are cursing me at the top of their voices - ha!).

I hope you feel better soon.  If your parents do go, and your Mother starts up, and you have any trouble maintaining those boundaries - just imagine all of us standing there in a circle around you and M lending you any strength you may need.

Will be thinking of you, please let me know how it goes.
Peace