Ami,
What do you mean that you see in me what it is hard to see in your M? Please clarify.
I have admitted my emotional neglect of my daughter before on threads on here. I've not been in denial of that for years, which is why I've seen counselors, tried meds, got various diagnoses on myself.
Currently, I'm seeing a personal therapist, a marriage counselor, going to a support group, and reading lots of books and taking care of myself and my girls as much as possible.
I KNOW that my past dissociation from my daughters in favor of being a computer pastor/counselor, has caused my family great harm. At the time, was lost in the OCD behavior of computer addiction. I honestly refused to admit my addiction of the need to be needed by Dove at the time, and I was TERRIFIED at the thought of going cold-turkey off the computer and would raise in anger against even the suggestion of it. I was an ADDICT in every sense of the word. I told my family I didn't want them, didn't need them, didn't care about them and just LEAVE ME ALONE.
I knew it was wrong but I did not know how to stop myself and to be honest with ya, the "high" I got from helping someone and feeling needed by them, was too good to WANT to stop and live a non-drama filled life with Dove's issues. Did I love Dove as a person and not just use her to sait my own need to be needed? I definitely loved Dove and her family and sincerely thought I was helping and in ways, I DID and HAVE. Was it worth the cost to my own family? well, let me put it this way...Dove has her marriage back together, her daughter came back to her after being estranged from her, and basically, she is doing ok without me I'm sure. My marriage has been jeapordized, my children often resent me, and now I'm left to pick of the pieces of the mess IIIIIIIIIIIIII made. I do NOT BLAME DOVE for being needy. I blame ME for not knowing a hill of beans about boundaries or about seeking information on improving my marriage and family.
I did not learn about NPD until the person after Dove came along and tried to "mentor" me in her controlling way. After that relationship, i finally decided to find out WHY I tended to:
1.) be addicted to the internet
2.) have a need to be needed
3.) hook up consistently and closely with abusive controllers in leadership positions
4.) not want to face my own and family's issues but rather ESCAPE
5.) want to find anything I could to take away the deep pain, depression and loneliness i felt
6.) why I married someone who was abusive and cruel at times
7.) resent the very people that I wanted to actually love deeply
8.) be a narcissist/borderline/avoidant magnet
9.) always leave places when I felt uneasy, rather than work through the feelings
10.) be taken off the earth by God as soon as possible.
Through counseling and support groups and prayer and my own choices, I finally went COLD TURKEY for a long long time with the computer. I missed it for a short while, but i got used to living in REALITY, vs cyber space. I began listening to and spending time with my daughters and working on my marriage and facing ME and my past abuse by my family and learning good ways to deal with issues that I had.
It's a PROCESS indeed, but I feel I've come a very long way
