going in circles, chasing my tale like a dog

[Lupita]

Need to start new. Need to forgive. If I do not forgive, how can I expect forgiveness?
Need to have a new attitude. I know that when I get to school and I start receiving attack after attack I go back to my fear and depression but that is the case. That I will be able to stand and endure the punch in the face with my new attitude.
Probably after vacation and winning their championship they did they will be occupied in that and forget a little about me. That is a good opportunity to start all over again, with new attitude and they will not see me. If I do not bother them, they might not bother me. Or that I hope.
But to start with a new attitude I need to feel well. I was just thinking how my son can be proud of me if I am not able to have a stable job. I need to be stable for my self and for my son too. He needs to see me happy. Or at least at peace.
With the books I am reading I see that my coworkers are not all guilty. I have brought to my self some of it because of my constant need of approval and they might think, “this woman behaves like a kid that I have to feed her and she is not my daughter, I have enough with my own problems to adopt a 50 yo woman”
So, if they see that I do not need their sympathy and smiles and help and approval, they might respect me a little.
I was talking to god a moment ago. I was telling God that I wanted to forgive my mother but it was not a matter of forgiveness but the constant dealing with her and her constant negativity and ugly words that she does not even know that are ugly.
So I asked God to help me be indifferent to her e mails. To write her that the weather is good here and not to respond to her provocations, but not only not to respond to her but not to feel anything. Almost impossible. But, it is a beginning. So I can feel better and go to work with less stress.
It is difficult because I do not find satisfaction in anything. But at least at this very moment I do not have fear to be fired. I have not done anything wrong, I am a very good teacher, I show love for my kids, and teach good lessons.
The mocking will go away if I handle it like I have been planning. Or so I hope.
The unwelcome hugs will go away too if I handle it the way I have been planning. Or so I hope.
I need to rest. So much I need to rest. God, give me peace.
I have to start blessing my school because after all they are providing my beans on the table and I should not bite the hand that feeds me. Maybe if I start loving the school they might love me back. But then I go back to the point, you do not go to work to be loved, you go to work to provide a service and if you expect to be treated like a daughter you will be sad and disappointed. You have to love your self and not expect that your boss is going to validate you. Nor your coworkers are going to validate you.
So, I think I am going in circles.

[Iphi]

(((((Lupita)))))

I see you hassling yourself and I hope that you will stop bothering yourself and concentrate on the loving yourself part and all the good things you are working on.  You told yourself you have to forgive, you have to make your son proud, need to start all new, have a new attitude, need to never be needy, need to never want approval, need to never need anything from anybody but always love everybody and forgive everybody without any limitations whatsoever, and never be bothered by what anybody including your mom does to you.

I think you are putting way too much on yourself.  What is that expression someone started about riding you like a beach donkey - you are riding yourself like a beach donkey.  I'm not sure what a beach donkey is.  But I am sure they get loaded down ridiculously and ridden far too long with no consideration.

I am positive you are a good teacher and a good person.  I am positive your son is already proud of you (or else he is stupid, but that cannot be because he came from you and you are not at all stupid).  Plus you are wonderful, lovely and loveable and a good person.  But I would like to see you love yourself better than to demand you love and forgive everyone all of the time - love yourself with greater consideration and gentleness - so much demands!  Love yourself by giving yourself time and kindness.  You don't have to give all this stuff to everybody.  You are valuable anyway.  Your value has nothing to do with giving anything to anybody.  So you are needy, so what?  The starving are hungry and have nothing to be ashamed of in their hungry - you are a good person and a lovely person and deserve to have all your needs for love and affection and respect met until you are content as cat.  I mean - it is not shameful to be needy about some things - it only means we have been starved.

Please be kind to yourself.

[lighter]

I think everyone goes around in circular logic.

I'm doing it right now over more than one thing...... it's human to doubt and human to struggle with changing old habits and adding new.

You don't have to love your school but..... it's better to embrace the people and things you enjoy and feel positive about them than to spend all your time thinking and dreading the negative and bad, yes?

You have choices. 

Every day you make hundreds of small decisions...... you get to choose if you ignore the meanies when they pass by. 

You get to choose if you give big brilliant smiles to the nice people.... have lunch with them.

YOu get to choose if you dismiss something ugly said to you..... choose to go back to thinking positive uplifting things for yourself and leave the ugliness behind. 

Or not. 

Just food for thought.

[Lupita]

Thnak you Iphi and Lighter for your time and for your thoughts. I am so tired that have no energy left to worry. I am totally flat today. It is vacation and cant sleep anymore. HOpe that I can sleep a little later.

I know these people have been unfair. But if I keep resenting so much their unfairness I am going to have a heart attack. So, I have to see the unfairness in a indffernt way. Something that is thier choice and I do not have to suffer for them.

I do not need them. I just need to go there, do my job, and come back home.

As you can see, I am still chasing my tale. But I do not have the fear I had last week. I only have the disgusting feeling of having been treated unfairly. I feel that, as a setp forward.

[Hopalong]

I feel that, as a setp forward.

Looks that way to me too, Lupita.

Keep it going!

hugs,
Hops

[Ami]

(((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))                       Love   Ami

[lighter]

I guess at some point...... just accepting the unfairness of a truly unfair situation....and focusing on other things..... is what you do.

The only reason to DO such an irrational unatural thing.... is bc of the high price you/humans/general pay if you don't.

I truly believe you could have a heart attack, and every manner of physical malady, if you don't let it go and move on.

Justice....

That's not a word that means what you think it means, when you really examine the workings of the world.  Shocking.  Sad.

But not fair, hardly ever fair even when justice seems to have been served.... it's can't really be fair.

I find it comforting to believe that we do honestly get back what we put out into the universe.

Zen philosophy sort'a balances out sharp edges the world rests on, IMO.  

There can be no good without bad.

No joy without fear.

No happy without sad.

No up without down.

No euphoria without dysphoria.

No Innocent without evil.

And that pretty well explains it for me, without having to go deeper.  

It is bc it has to be.

I have experienced some of the best life has to offer..... and also some of the worst.

Comes right down to it...... I'm glad it hasn't been any worse than it has...... truly, I am grateful.

 I've held someone I loved very much in my arms and watched him die.  




I've lived in fear, but I wasn't chained in some lunatics basement, at his mercy.

I have certain choices yet to make, bc I'm not preoccupied with biomedical ethics on the children's oncology ward.

Sometimes I am truly grateful that I am where I am and have what I have (not talking about things either.) jJust glad my children are well, though I look around at my nieces and nephews and the muscles in my back and neck tighten painfully.... breath.... relax..... move...... make good choices.  Try not to be silent.  Try to help.  Try not to make war.  Try not to be invisible.

I believe that if I complain about my life, God might show me something 100X more dreadful..... to give me a little perspective on reflexion.

It's strange how this washes over me, like a tide.  It's certainly not always on my mind..... it couldn't be.   But it comes and it goes and I will always have choices, that's one thing I can count on.  

Even when the choice is simply how I'll feel about something.   I may not always choose wisely or be able to choose positive and upbeat but..... I sort'a realize I DO have a choice, even I'm  being swep away by pain and fear in the moment......

I tell myself, the body isn't set up for extended stress.  If I don't do something about this, I will get sick and I will break down.  I realize, see, make the connection that I am responsible for moving myself into a better space, though I'm not always sure how.

[changing]

(((((Lupita))))) (((((Lighter)))))-

You are both so sincere and have been through so much. Both of you are also very smart and creative beings who have delightful senses of humor, each one expressing themselves in a unique way. You both deserve the peace and joy that you are so capable of. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving, no matter what you do, and that things just get better and better for you both.

Much Love,

Changing

[Lupita]

Thank you Changing. God bless you too.

Lighter, what happened?

I saw a large post here a few hours ago. I decided I wanted to read it in peace and with a cup of coffee, because, I always like to meditate and internailize what you write. I consider it so important!!!!

Sunddenly, I come from the supermarket with the excitement that I am going to read your post, I prepare my cup of coffee, I am salivating almost about everything you have to say, and I find that it is not here.

Am I hallucinating?

[Lupita]

Well, for many years I spent Thanks Giving alone with my son. Just Him and my self. And he always was very supportive. This year he wanted to spend this week with his father's family very much far away.
I thought I was going to pass out when I was told. But two friends invited me to their houses. From having nothing I ended up with four invitations and I had to decline two of them.
God was holding my neck but he is allowing me to breath, if he allows me to breath it is becasue he wants me alive. So, here I am very grateful that I am not going to spend Thanks Giving alone. For the first time in my life away from my son but with friends, also for the first time.

[lighter]

It wasn't your imagination, Lupita.

It was a longer post..... I'd gone off on a very fulfilling tangent about my father's unsuccessful brain surgery, which happend right before B was dx'd with terminal cancer..... he's the one who died.  Colon Cancer.... died 5 months to the day he was dx'd.... just like the gastro said he would, cold bastard.

Details and gripes..... 

I'll do that rant another time if you're still interested. 

((changing))  You made me cry :*)

[Unconditional]

An excellent book revealing the importance of unconditional love and affirmation in one's life. Baars & Terruwe describe the discovery and symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder -- a syndrome which results from a lack of unconditional love and emotional strengthening in one's life.

EDD manifests itself with symptoms such as feelings of loneliness, insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. Unaffirmed persons generally feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, depressed, afraid of the world, oversensitive, unlovable, and unable to make friends and relate to others.

This results in an emotional prison which is only able to be opened from the outside --

by another person giving unselfish, unconditional, authentic love.

To be healed, the individual must feel worthwhile to another person, loved, and understood.

Truly an important book for our time -- a time when so many are deprived of the emotional affirmation and love that they need.

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1


((((((( Lupita ))))))))

[Lupita]

Thank you Unconditional. Your vocabulary sounds very similar to that of observer.
I have not heard from observer but I thank him/her for his/her help.
Thank you Uncond.

Lighter, of course I am interested!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I posted a thread long time ago about you for my concern about you. I always sensed a lot of suffering from you.

You might consider the possibility of starting a thread on that. How did you deal with the pain? It seems that you have not recovered from that. How long ago was that? I guess when somebody suffer something like that you never ever recover because the pain will be there forever.  I had a cousin who resently died of brain cancer. I had her in my arm when she was bron and I was thirtin. She died last year at 33. Brain cancer mutilated her little by little. First she lost vision, then movement of legs and then arms and finaly lost hearing, for months we did not know if she was connected with the world because we did not have a way to communicate with her. It was devastating for all the family. One day my mother was complaining about her children and I asked if she wanted to be in my aunt place and she said yes. That if I died her pain would be over. I think she was just thinking very stupiditely and she did not think what she said. But something tells me that she would feel better off if I was not in this world.

I guess that EDD fits me perfectly.

My son loves me unconditionally. Still he wanted to leave me ofr Thanks Giving and I have to understand him. Still, his love does not fill the emptyness. I know he has to belong to a wife in a future and she will be first place in his life. Still he is the only person who accepts me and loves me and forgives me. I would give my life for him.

[Lupita]

It seemed that everybody was going wonderful for a few weeks after my sister in low left. Even bad sexy dancing boy was an exciting adventure. Suddenly Dr. U came in to my life and everything started going down. He left and the problems at work did not leave with him, problems that I did not have last year. That put me down and I have not been able to recover. I need to move one. I really need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. At least I know that. Just cannot do it yet.

[Lupita]

God will help me because the loneliness is infinite and like a tone of concrete on my chest.