Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
getting out of his grip
Anonymous:
E,
I so appreciate yor advice of "positive affirmations" and positive experiences every day. You know, the beautfiul ting that is coming out of all of this is that as soon as he left, I felt this tremendous sadness (the loss of a fmaily dream) but also tremendous grief. I feel myself becoming more and more stable and grounded for my boys. For many years, i would go through the "cycle of abuse" and feel emotionally a wreck when he was in the abusive stage. Sometimes all I could do at these times with my boys was basic sustanance needs--feed them, keep them clean, put them to bed--I was always crying. I feel as if I am a true Mother for the 1st time in my life. I feel now that I have the patience, prescence and energy to be ateacher and playmate to me kids. That's why your comments and concern about them mean so much to me. We do enjoy the very simple things in life. I've already taken them ccamping twice this Spring by myself--something I had never previously done without my H. This is all very empowering for me. So it's all bittersweet. I know I'm embarking on a new and better life for them adn for me; but I have so much pain and anger that I also think I need to process before I can move forward. It's like, I'm looking back on the 8 years and realizing and admitting for the first time how I've been treated. Thanks for your light to guide me through this day. Have a beautiful day yourself. (CSHF) (Countess Shedding Her Fears!)
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: cplummer ---The whole process of leaving this man and living with him in my life (because of my kids) scares me to death.
--- End quote ---
Yes, it is scary. But do-able. See websites below for information.
--- Quote from: cplummer ---My boys are only 3 and 5 years old--he seems to adore them. Do you think I have any concerns as they get older,a s to how he will treat them.
--- End quote ---
There are always concerns with a sadistic person. But you can't predict anything yet, and you can cross that bridge later.
--- Quote from: cplummer ---I think he may have N traits also, as he seems to want unquestionable glorification--which he gets from them right now. I know they will not always adore him without confrontation--as they get their own power.
--- End quote ---
Psychopathy is a form of narcissism.
--- Quote from: cplummer ---I am totally dependent on him right now financially. He has not yet pulled the plug. I think he may actually be a bit afraid to, as I have always paid all of the bills and taken care of all of that. He's far too unorganized. I also think he's smoking a lot of pot, which I believe may cause memory impairment. From a legal standpoint, is there anyway I can prove any of all of this or get the court to get him to take a personlity test or something?
--- End quote ---
If your state has community property, you own half of everything. Anyway, you need an attorney to protect your assets. Unfortunately, you can't assume your H will remain dependent on you, if he thinks you'll leave him. He may find another woman to do the job. I don't think the marijuana smoking will have any effect on custody etc., but you need an attorney to deal with this issue. Also he/she will deal with any psychological exams; which you'd also have to take.
I'm sorry to sound so technical, but in this situation I think you need information right away. Here are some websites which I urge you to check out:
http://www.geocities.com/lycium7/psychopathy.html
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
bunny
Anonymous:
Thanks bunny. I've looked at both sites and they are very helpful. Yhe article on "The Loser" is excellent--very meaty. I'm definitely in the detachment phase--letting go. My state is a community property state,and I do have an attorney that I met with several months ago, but I'm not sure if she is up to the task of handling a psychopath/narcissist--as when I met with her my head was just spinning and I wasn't even considering a personality disorder. You seem to have a lot of techinical knowledge, which I appreciate by the way. Any ideas of how I could start a search for the right kind of attorney to handle this? Have a great day Bunny. I'm taking my kdis to AZ tomorrow with my closest friend of 20 years--We'll give each other lots of therapy and have some laughs too with 8 kids! CSHF (Countess shedding Her Fears)
el123:
cplummer,
--- Quote ---For many years, i would go through the "cycle of abuse" and feel emotionally a wreck when he was in the abusive stage. Sometimes all I could do at these times with my boys was basic sustanance needs--feed them, keep them clean, put them to bed--I was always crying. I feel as if I am a true Mother for the 1st time in my life.
--- End quote ---
I bet that you have been a good mother even when you felt that you were just doing the 'basics'. I've had this feeling myself at times. It's horrible how we beat ourselves up so much as mothers. It's almost always better in reality to them than we believe we are. Good for you for doing the best for all involved. This is hard. But it shows what a good job you're doing!
--- Quote ---We do enjoy the very simple things in life. I've already taken them ccamping twice this Spring by myself--something I had never previously done without my H. This is all very empowering for me. So it's all bittersweet. I
--- End quote ---
I don't know why but the phrase "focus on the positives" keeps popping up when I read your post. Good for you! You can raise wonderful young men and I have no doubt that you will! You have taken the first step in ridding an abusive/sadistic father from their lives. This is hard and admirable. You may at times feel guilt and/ or ambivalence. But just know that you have done what you have done out of love for both yourself and your family. And that you have done the right thing. I applaud you for that.
--- Quote ---but I have so much pain and anger that I also think I need to process before I can move forward. It's like, I'm looking back on the 8 years and realizing and admitting for the first time how I've been treated
--- End quote ---
I can feel the emotion here. Of course you would need to process the pain first. Like healing from a wound. It's just a wound that you cannot see. The emotional type. But you can do it! And emerge stronger than ever. Your boys will be ok. They will understand.
Take care of yourself and your sweet children (mine are 6, 4 and 2).
-E
Anonymous:
E,
It's late and I need to do a million things before I take my 2 kids and my sister's 2 kids to AZ tomorrow. I just want to say thank you so very much. Mother to Mother, Healer to Healer, I appreciate your loving insight and affirmation. I especially will be more gentle with myself about the pain and anger, using your analogy of a wound that needs to heal. this is just so right on. Enjoy your Babies. They always will be to us, won't they. Fondly, CSHF (countess shedding her fears)
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