Author Topic: not fair and i am UPSET  (Read 4359 times)

reallyME

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2007, 03:12:55 PM »
Oh goodness, CB...your post made me laugh since I'm having a GOOD day with family for a change (well, other than NDaughter at times)

CB
Quote
Wait a second, wait a second......are you saying that you see your H watching TV with your D as the equivalent of incest?  I'm lost.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  It's not just watching tv.  She spends hours on end talking to and listening to him in the living room, and if I try to sit down and talk to my husband, she either butts in or tells me to be quiet that he and she were talking.

CB
Quote

Are you saying that you want her out of the house because she didnt invite you to the sonogram?


Nope.  I'm saying I wanted to beat her up for rubbing my nose in the fact that she lied to me about who was going to be there and then, when I got upset about it, she told me I was just jealous and that she didn't like me and doesn't want me there anyway.

IsabellaRose

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #16 on: November 22, 2007, 04:40:36 PM »
Here is how it all went:

me: "you told me that the baby's father was going to be the first one to see the sonogram."

nD: "SO?"

me: "now I find out _________(baby's fathers' mother) was there too?"

nD: "SO? big deal"

me:  "I'm your da** mother for God's sake!"

nD: "Just cause I don't like you and don't want you there......."

me:  "you told me the baby's father was the only one you were having there!"

nD: "Why would I WANT someone like THAT there (meaning ME cause by now I was obviously UPSET)

me: "Because I AM YOUR MOTHER!"

nD:  "Go cry about it in the other room..."

me:  "Who took you to the doctor the other day (yesterday), the hospital, and stayed with you when you were hurting.

me:  "So?  you didn't HAVE TO."  ______________ didn't (baby's father's mother)

nD: "She WOULD have."

me: "You can NOT just use me when it's convenient and then treat me like CRAP whenever you want."

nD:  "whatever."


At this point, i'm being honest...I wanted to physically HURT HER...I mean I wanted to throw something at her head and hurt her BADLY!  Then, I almost called my husband and told him I was going to leave RIGHT NOW if he didn't get his butt back here and MAKE HER RESPECT me!  

Instead, I journalled my feelings, checked the daily chart I keep on nD's moods, and now am typing to you.

The 14th of every month, she turns into a vicious punishing monster!

I'm sorry, but when i read this, i immediately thought you sounded EXACTLY like my own N-mother.  You made your daughters sonograms all about YOU YOU YOU!  YOU wanted to be there FIRST - who cares who was there first? THIS IS ABOUT A PRECIOUS BABY.....your grandchild.  It doesn't matter if you were there first, second, or 100th.  Nothing can change the fact that you are this baby's grandma.  Nothing.   Stop whining and having a temper tantrum.  Maybe your daughter didn't want you there b/c everything is about YOU???!!!

Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone....maybe you should memorize it and see if you get different results?


me: "How did your sonogram go today?"

nD: "Fine."

me: "I heard that your BF mother was there also.  That must have been exciting."

nD: "Yes, she decided to pop by at the last minute."

me:  "I'm sorry i missed it - i would have loved to be there too sweetie!"

nD: "I don't like you and don't want you there......."

me:  "Well that really hurts my feelings.  I can understand we've had our differences in the past, but i would really like you to know that I LOVE you and I am SO EXCITED that this baby is coming. I am not trying to intrude or invade your privacy. I just want to be the best grandmother i can be - and part of that was being there with you at the sonogram!"

nD: "Oh, i didn't know you felt so strongly about it."

me: "Well, I do, because I AM YOUR MOTHER and nothing will ever change how much i care about you!"

nD:  "Well, they did give me a copy on DVD...Would you like to watch it with me in the livingroom?"

me:  "I'd love to.  Thank you"

(watching the video).....

me:  "Oh, just look at that sweet face....you are going to make a wonderful mother"

nD: "Thanks mom....i'm sorry you missed the u/s today...maybe you can come with me next time?"

me: "I'd love to."

nD:  "ok, i'll let you know."

changing

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #17 on: November 22, 2007, 04:57:10 PM »
Hi Really Me-

I know that you are having a tough time and just want to send my love and support. You are strong intelligent and capable , and I know that things will come out right. (((((Really Me)))))

Love and Happy Thanksgiving,

Changing

reallyME

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2007, 08:44:04 PM »

I'm sorry, but when i read this, i immediately thought you sounded EXACTLY like my own N-mother.

<<<HOW CRUEL!

  You made your daughters sonograms all about YOU YOU YOU!  YOU wanted to be there FIRST - who cares who was there first?

>>>>oh no I did not.  SHE had told me "oh don't feel bad mom, nobody will be there except the baby's father."  She KNEW I was upset about not being there with her to begin with.  Then she tells me how his mother was there, after the fact of trying to comfort me that i wasn't going to be the only one NOT THERE."

. Stop whining and having a temper tantrum.  Maybe your daughter didn't want you there b/c everything is about YOU???!!!

>>>>>>>>>What RIGHT do you have to say this to anyone?  WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?  Your name is not familiar with this list of people I've come to know and trust.

Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone....maybe you should memorize it and see if you get different results?

>>>>>>>>and do not "SHOULD" me!!!!

i do know you, trust you or your "advice" and you will not win any sort of 'ear" with someone you start out by ACCUSING AND CONDEMNING.  I don't know your N mother but I sure hope you never did to her what my Ndaughter has been doing to me.

I forgive you but you haven't even quoted anything CLOSE to what my ND would have responded or said to me.  You have no clue.



IsabellaRose

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #19 on: November 22, 2007, 11:01:26 PM »


i do know you, trust you or your "advice" and you will not win any sort of 'ear" with someone you start out by ACCUSING AND CONDEMNING.  I don't know your N mother but I sure hope you never did to her what my Ndaughter has been doing to me.

I forgive you but you haven't even quoted anything CLOSE to what my ND would have responded or said to me.  You have no clue.


I do not know you or your daughter. All I have to go by is HOW YOU PRESENT YOURSELF in your post, and when i read through all of your posts, you came across sounding just like a N-mother:

She did NOT tell me that HIS FRIGGEN MOTHER WAS GOING!

Anna was MY daughter, not her boyfriend's mother's daughter


- CLASSIC N:  Thinking they are superior to other people and deserve special treatment.

Again, WHO CARES?  Just because you are your daughters mother does not mean you are MORE SPECIAL or deserve special treatment!!! 

Why would you speak this way about your daughters future MIL?  This woman is the baby's grandmother too!   What right do you have to cuss and swear about her?   Are you jealous that she was there and you were not?

Why would your daughter want her MIL and not you there?  Maybe because she knows how antagonistic you are towards her boyfriends mother? 



i'm being honest...I wanted to physically HURT HER...I mean I wanted to throw something at her head and hurt her BADLY!


You say you are not a Narcissistic mother, and yet you want to PHYSICALLY HURT YOUR PREGNANT DAUGHTER??!!  That is sick.  Even if you would not do it, just the THOUGHT is sick and disgusting. You should be ashamed of wanting to harm that poor baby in any way.  Do you not see something terriblly wrong with your reaction to a simple sonogram?  To want to hit a pregnant woman???  Abusers do this all of the time. 

I was going to leave RIGHT NOW if he didn't get his butt back here and MAKE HER RESPECT me!

So, you did not get your way and now you were going to show everybody by stomping your feet and leaving?  A classic N hystrionic temper tantrum.

MAKE her respect you???  Excuse me but respect is EARNED.  You do not automatically get it just because you have the title of mother.

I was the one who cleaned up her vomit, took her to the doctor the other day and kept her company, went to her school viola recitals (which she claims I never did), was there for her when the boy she had a crush on went to Iraq [/color]

Another classic N trait - Keeping a mental rolladex of every little thing you did for her, but that she did not do for you.  What? Does she OWE you something (like a bill?)  You fed your daughter, clothed her, went to her recitals, cleaned up her vomit. THAT WAS YOUR JOB.  You are like a waitress who demands a tip for bringing food to the customer.  Your daughter didn't ask to be born.  Your job was to mother her and you did.....but to now hold it over her head like a martyr....DEMANDING she pay you back...stomping your feet for respect....  sorry. You will not get my sympathy.

for 2 weeks, ANNA DOES NOT EXIST!  YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER, DO ANYTHING FOR HER, ACKNOWLEDGE HER!

why the he** would I CARE about the so called damage I'm doing............. She's already planning to ruin this child and pit it against me.  Why SHOULD I care?

[/i]

So this JUSTIFIES YOU behaving like a horses a$$ and kicking your pregnant daughter out on the street?  This justfies you screaming at her, raising her blood pressure, putting her under enormous stress in her delicate condition?  You admit with your own words you don't even CARE about the damage it does to your grandchild. Shame on you!

Again, you sound like a typical N.  Where is your compassion?  Where is your empathy??  Your daughter is P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T for goodness sake!  I have never heard of a normal mother try to punish her pregnant daughter this way. Sick. sick. sick.

reallyME

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #20 on: November 23, 2007, 10:31:11 AM »
once again, you do not know me, have any rapport with me nor do I trust you...and I trust you even LESS now that you said the 3 words that all of us here are against.......................SHAME ON YOU!

How dare you try to get me to feel SHAME.  That is not something I receive at all from anyone.

"Should" ing people and Shaming people is not an appropriate behavior on this list, and I do hope Dr G steps in and addresses your responses to me.

My friends here know my struggles and they know how my daughter treats me.  They also know that I rely on this group to express how I feel.  This is my SAFE place, so go attack someone outside the bounds of this haven, please.

~RM

changing

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Re: not fair and i am UPSET
« Reply #21 on: November 23, 2007, 01:50:26 PM »
(((((Really Me)))))-

I hope that you are doing well and had a great holiday, and that things are starting to work at home. Please know that you are cared for and very important to many people.

Love,
Changing

Hi Isabella-

I am not a professional in the mental health field, nor am I well versed in the literature- I do have plenty of life experience (too much!) in this matter, however. I  hope that you will post about yourself and your experiences as well, as the unburdening can really help to make you feel freer , and in processing the past and present. We endeavor to show love and support and to share our insights and experience- this is a unique resource and I have found it to be of immeasurable help in my journey. We are all imperfect, especially me, and it is extremely easy to find fault with one's self and others, especially with one's thoughts. Everyone has surprising thoughts that may never be acted upon. It is really wonderful to have a place with loving generous wise people to share those things which cannot always be understood by people who have not had the same experiences, without fear of being misunderstood. There are many fine resources and a lot of great information available on this unique process works so well, and how we give each other support. I hope to read your story soon.

Love,

Changing






« Last Edit: November 23, 2007, 02:02:50 PM by changing »