I am Afraid of My Emotions and Afraid of My Thoughts

[Ami]

This thread is related to the thread,"How Can I Love Myself When I Have N Emotions and Thoughts".  You have helped me SO MUCH by that thread. I made a huge stride,yesterday.It seems small,but it is big.
 My H was talking to me and I felt a thought inside of,'I don't like him and I don't care.'. The  'old me" would think that I was a "terrible" person for "not liking s/one(my M taught me well---bleh)
 The 'new me"(with all your help).just let the thought float by. There is a reason that I feel this way. However, with feelings--you don't really need reasons--do you?
 Don't feelings just come ?-- They can be strange and make no sense. We really should not "judge" feelings that come to us---should we?
  Aren't feelings at a level that just "is"? IOW, at this level of feelings--we are not responsible for what "comes in". I guess that we can chose to "keep it"--right?
 However, we can't chose what does come in? So, a person is not "good" or "bad" based on their feelings?
                                     Thanks for all your help.It means so much to me.      Love   Ami                                          .

[Ami]

I am having a deep emotional experience ,now. Wouldn't it be wonderful just to be able to accept my emotions as human:my thoughts as human.
 The angst that I have in life---I give myself---by not trusting myself.
 How could I be that "different' from other people?
 I used to know that if I had a thought or emotion--that it was human and I could trust it. I could know that it didn't "mean" that I was "anything'. It was just a thought or emotion that came to human beings.
  I want to get back there---so badly. I don't want to feel like my "insides" are my enemy.I guess that I had to make my insides my enemy in order to "make sense" of my M. I guess that this was some sort of "survival' stance.
 Now, she is not here,of course. This is what Amber calls the "Role"
 It helps so much just to talk about it.I feel better, already.
 There is a line in the Bible about man "opposing" himself.It says that a wise man should "pull him out of it.'(paraphrase)
I think that I am seeing that I made my 'insides" my enemy--bleh. This is so BIG. That is what I did.I turned against myself as a survival stance.
So, all the parts of me---feelings, thoughts, emotions---were all my enemy.
That is what happened. Wow. I am so thankful to have a place to share s/thing like that.         Love   Ami

[Leah]

Dear ((( Ami )))

God warns; " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellsprings of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

Whenever you keep something precious safe, you can cherish and enjoy it, and its value appreciates. The longer we guard our heart, the more time and attention we invest in its care, then it becomes easier for us to keep up the watch.  We need to guard our heart with diligence, at all times.

The more carefully we guard it, the more secure it will keep us.

Guard your heart and keep it for Jesus alone.  Jesus greatly desires to have our heart, it must be a precious treasure indeed, and so therefore, we are to guard it carefully.


For God asks;  "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might."


Reason enough to guard it, night and day.

Sincerely yours,

Much love,

Leah


Armour of God:  http://www.crossroad.to/Victory/Armor.htm 

[cats paw]

Ami,

  Nothing happened when you had the "coffee table rage" thoughts.  Unless you realistically fear these thoughts would turn into action (which you have stated that they wouldn't) have you ever tried just letting rip with all these thoughts and feeling in a journal?

  I did that a long time ago.  I can relate to what you're going through.  When I was as "evil and "horrible" as I wanted to be in my journal, it was cathartic and took away the imaginary power I was giving these thoughts- the power to define ME as evil and horrible.

  Your IC might need to have gigantic tantrums in a safe environment, and a journal can often provide it.

cats paw

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

The mind has been programmed with "established attitudes" and N "brainwashing" ACON and others, according to Lise's wonderful resource.

So what is needed, is to renew one's mind, with new healthy life giving attributes.

Recently, I have been wanting to write down my experience of this, in my journal .... and just now, found this insightful listing on ....

http://www.christinyou.net/pages/renewmind.html

Take a look and see, as you feel led.

Much love,

Leah

Rom 12:2


Heart and mind are intertwined


Resonate with this extract ...


A "mind-set" that spontaneously thinks of God and His activity:

              a. "Yes, Lord"
                  (1) temptation
                  (2) worship
              b. Joy - Phil. 4:4; I Thess. 5:16
              c. Laughter - Prov. 15:13; 17:22
              d. Song in your heart - Eph. 5:19
              e. Love for others - Rom. 5:5; Jn. 13:34


Giving thanks : Eph 5:20

[Ami]

I just saw this really big thing. If I am not there for myself-----how can I be there for s/one else? I saw it with the heart. It is s/thing that you can know with the head,but it doesn't do you any good.
  I see that my M must have not been there for herself. She told me that she never felt "good enough". She had to keep "striving" and striving".
  Everything was a "test'" of whether she was "good enough"
  She never learned what I am learning,now. The Prophet(Gibran) talks about,'Let there be spaces in your togetherness." I "knew" what that meant(in the heart) when I was younger. Then,I lost it totally and  I wanted the outside to define me.
  Now, I see that there have to be spaces between you and others.  I have to take care of myself. How could I not see this "obvious" truth. I guess that my survival stance made me blind to simple realities.
 I feel like I am "waking up" and everything is "new" and how it "should" be.    Wheh                     Ami

[Ami]

Dear Cat,
  That is funny that you mention the "coffee table rages". Many people were killed(in fantasy) with that coffee table .   Love   Ami
((((((((((((Cat)))))))))))))

[Ami]

I guess that my M had a denuded "core" and since I was her "extension", she did to me what she did to herself. She always told me that she treated me like she treated herself--bleh.
  So, I see that since she pushed down  the 'primal" emotions in her, she HAD to push them down in me. She could not stand for them to raise their "heads" and "threaten" her.
  So, she  raged at me for all the basic feelings:  fear,joy,anger,sadness and all the rest. She raged at me until I threw them all away,too.
  They were a huge threat to her. She was living in"survival mode",too.
 I really wish that I could hug her and see that blank face b/c I see that she was really hurting,too. Maybe,I will have the chance. I have to go slowly with that b/c she still wants to destroy all evidence that I am a separate person with "feelings"       Ami

[Ami]

I just have to write ,so I will write it on here b/c most things are relevant to getting in touch with my core feelings and just letting "ugly" feelings go by( as Hops says)
   When you have an emotional shift,I guess you feel very unsettled.
   I see how "crazy' I have been with these patterns. The only way that I can have peace about living my life as a 'nut" all this time is to think that my "self" got lost so I could find God.
  I had to be totally broken down(almost like they do with torture) in order to humble myself . I know that if I could have "lived"using the tools that I had (and not come to the end of that rope), I never would have found God.
   So, that helps me not "grieve" losing my "mind" as much.
   It is scary to look back and see how distorted your thinking was. It still is not "right",but better.
                                              Ami
 

[Hopalong]

How could I be that "different' from other people?

Biiiiiiiiiiiiingo!

I just had a phrase floating through tonight: inhabiting my life.

Letting your feelings inhabit your life -- come and go, just part of a busy day --
good going, Ami!

Hops

[Gabben]

  IT is scary to look back and see how distorted your thinking was. It still is not "right",but better.
                                             

This quote from you above made me think Ami - I can recall over twenty years ago when I first came to terms with my image; how I was living through how the world saw me and not how I really was acting or really feeling.  This episode of my "reinvented broken self" lasted for about two years until I was 21. When I got honest with myself, or faced myself, I was brutally hard on myself. I actually saw myself living a life of self-justification and rationalizations. Looking back, I realize that I was not that bad or as bad as my distorted mind made myself out to be.  My mother was so distorted in her thinking, everything was black and white: I was either "the best" or I was "the worst."  I was perfect or I was an "ungratefull little brat."

My mothers introjections (I think that is what they are called?) were so out of whack. As I grow through the pain am beginning to see that I was not as bad as I always made myself out to be.
Lise

[Ami]

I have a great desire to start a third thread---I am Afraid of My Emotions  and Thoughts"---Part Three(lol)
Just as one layer gets healed(Thank God), another one rears it's head. I guess this is how healing works. I think that your "survival mechanism" goes toward the light(truth).
  In us is a "compass" that seeks wholeness,I think.I think that if we simply try to face the truth, the healing will come.
 I faced part of the layer of N thoughts and feelings---part of it.
  There is a deeper layer which I am  afraid of. In this layer is pure selfishness. I felt it today,as I was exercising. I felt the power of pure selfishness. In my "sick" life(up until now) the biggest crime was being selfish. I felt like I could not take care of myself ( other than in certain ways that were acceptable in my family----education, outer apprearance, etc)
  I could not take care of my emotions or needs.. Those had to be abdicated.I had to be the 'opposite' of selfish. I had to run to the other extreme . I had to deny this whole layer inside me that was screaming for it's needs to be met.
Why was it screaming? I think b/c it screams in ALL of us. That is my new idea ,for the moment. What do you think? Is there a selfish layer inside all of us that is always "screaming"?
  With the N-----they  live according to it. With a mature person,they own this layer but CHOSE how they will respond to it as well as all the other aspects of the situation?         
I would love to hear people's opinions on this. Thanks so much      Ami

[Hopalong]

Is it pure selfishness to breathe, Ami?
To be able to eat Dr. Schultzes SuperFood so you'll feel strong?
To own a dog to love because other cultures are so poor they eat them?

I think some of what you call pure selfishness is ordinary
self-care + self-loathing

If you didn't loathe yourself you would not feel conflict
about self-care

And, if you follow Bill's logic about deciding who you want to be...
then the value of unselfishness may lead you to volunteer, do something for others,
with some of your time

All in moderation.

Just doing it, not doubting yourself or your motives all the time.

Y'know?

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 I appreciate so much all the wisdom you have shown me. I just want to say that when  person has a deep "self loathing' from a "survival skill' mechanism kicking in--the self loathing is NOT at the conscious level.
 IOW, I am very "surprised"  that I have this level of self loathing.I "knew" that I wasn't "right",but I really had little self awareness of this layer of self rejection.I really didn't,.That is why it is so big to get to this core level.
You and I may disagree here,but I don't think that a person CAN heal from the outside unless they first heal the inside. Once the inside is healed(faced), then you can chose HOW you will behave and chose values. However,as long as you are a "closed ' book to your self,you are locked in darkness and self loathing ,forever. This is my opinion,only.I don't care to debate it. Just wanted to address that the "answer" is not simple about "Go, Do some activity", when you need to face the deep recesses of your psyche.(IME)
                     Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

I understand, Ami.
You have the method that is working for you.

I didn't mean to override that again.

(But you can keep thinking...while you do something simple.)

I don't see the two as in conflict.

But it is right for you to do what is working,
and it's so obvious from what you're doing here
that it's working...

So COMPOST!

love
Hops