How Do You Love Yourself When You Think N Feelings and Thoughts?

[Gabben]

I'm pretty sure that questioning behavior and reflecting on behavior are not n traits.
A person who is a n would not ask those questions or have those thoughts you are talking about.
And I do know that like my own the thinking gets very distorted trying to make sanity out of insanity.
I think questions are good and hold us accountable for our behavior and growth.
That seems to me reason to see yourself in a positive light of wanting to have a healthy perspective by asking for others' perspectives.  Otherwise would you really care?   IMO. Thanks BR

Wow --- this is a great post! Absolutely. How hard I am on myself when I am so willing to admit that I am emotionally 3 sometimes and that I have faults, plenty of them -  But I'm not out to deceive anyone...neither are you Ami.. you just want to be real and really good. I don't think N's could ever think that way unless there was something in it for them.

[Ami]

I am just "letting" N spots go by ----like the breeze. In meditation, you let your thoughts go by.. It is amazing. I have had such crazy "survival stances". I guess that THEY are what "make" you crazy.
When I see a "twisted" person,now ,I have so much empathy. It took so much pain to get them there.
 When I worked for a shrink,  I did not have the heart understanding that I NOW have for all the twists and turns that result in that poor soul before you.
   I am coming out(Thank God) of many twists. When I saw what I did today,it was so big.
  It is an unwinding of the spool. Thanks for being there.         Love   Ami

[wiltay]

Wow, it's hard coming in late and finding a place to step in, so I'm just going to start walking.  I read this awhile back about how to find an appropriate 'other' (something like): " Become the person you want to attract." I.E. the qualities you seek in someone else are the things you value the most and the same is true for that other person you desire.  This has really stuck with me.  It is a pro-active decision about who you want to be, according to your own personal values.  In a way it's an invention of yourself, but it's also a template for your own behavior and feelings.
     I really think we need to actively decide who we want to be, otherwise whatever emotion comes along has too much power to define us.  We are too much of a blank slate to be written on by  any random emotion if we are too passive about who we are.  So if we have a petty thought (and who doesn't) if we have a vision of ourselves as a fair, generous person that petty thought has no place to go, it doesn't belong and we can just watch it 'go on by.'  But it starts with deciding who you want to be, a decision.  And you have to keep working at it and working at it until it can stand on it's own.  When you have a feeling you don't like, think about who you want to be.  It works for me when I can envision myself.
Bill
     

[Hopalong]

YES, BILL!!

we need to actively decide who we want to be, otherwise whatever emotion comes along has too much power to define us.  We are too much of a blank slate to be written on by  any random emotion if we are too passive about who we are.

Thank you.
This is superbly clear.
Makes so much sense.

It's not what we are feeling, it's what we value, which leads to who we decide we are.

Hops

[lighter]

Ami:

I can't tell if you're horrified by your anger or if you're really having awful hateful thoughts towards people who don't deserve them?

My first thought was that you're just not willing to sink down into the pain and experience the feelings that come with it..... namely sadness and rage at the abuse you've suffered.

That rage is what gets people through transitions, IME. 

You're entitled to your anger...... that's not an N emotion.  It's absolutely necessary, IMO.

Why connect it to your mother's N?

[Ami]

Dear Bill,
 That was brilliant.I am floored. You are so right. I was in the 'trees" and it seems so simple when you pulled back and showed me the "forest."
  Thank you,Hops. for clarifying more.
 Lighter- what was  happening with me was a deep subconscious pattern. I really did not even have access to it---consciously. The only reason that I got this far was that I just kept putting clues out there,in hopes that s/one could help me  put it all together.
  On this board, the combined insight and wisdom is mind blowing.
  I am so,so happy today b/c I see that it really IS that simple-. Chose who I want to be and what values I want and then let the thoughts and feelings go by. I am doing a 'happy dance"     Love  to you     Ami

[Gabben]

     I really think we need to actively decide who we want to be, otherwise whatever emotion comes along has too much power to define us. 

Wholeheartedly agree with what Bill wrote, especially the line above. I think that is why healthy loving role models are so helpful; we need that visual and example of what our behavior is to be like and then we need to work for it. The N's in my life teach me how NOT to be.