Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself

[Gabben]

I am sorry if I express myself in a way that seems like I am on the "verge" of losing it. Actually ,it is the opposite and I am coming together.
 

This is so true! Letting go of our old behaviors attitudes and emotions is hard painful work. We have to through to get out!

Hi Ami,

In the last 5 months of my healing journey I have encountered a few people who seem not to be able to cope or handle it when I am at my most intense or most sensitive place. Once someone told me that my emotional state was "too intense". This cut so deep and hurt, especially because I valued this persons opinion of me. Doesn't that sound like a replay of my childhood? My emotions and pain are too intense for her, Nmom, and she has to turn away or she contemptuously tells me to calm down or she tells me that all that I am experiencing is not really all that big of a deal. Her opinion is the one that I valued so it hurt double and creates feelings of shame in me.

I have found that the people who have told me, in round about ways, that I am "too intense" or it is "too much" for them have not gone into the emotional territory that I am in...therefore they can't comprehend despite how much they mean well and they care. They would help if they could but because they can't help they feel helpless which causes them to judge what makes them feel powerless and what scares them.

When we are hating ourselves it is so painful...excruciating. The negativity about myself in my head screams at me. What we need the most is for someone to reach to us in tender compassion and tell us WE ARE OK. Even if we are feeling big feelings and harsh negativity towards ourselves, we are still OK. There is no need to conform, we are here to let it out and trust that God will send compassionate people our way to support us at whatever stage we are in the healing process.

After 5 years of Freudian therapy, there was one thing that my T, Peter said to me that has most profoundly stayed with me. He said, "stay with those painful feelings." No one had ever given me the permission, in such a gentle way, to embrace my pain and instill in me the hope that this will pass.

Lise

[Overcomer]

I am much more Crazy than my mom wants me to be.  Loud.  Laughter.  Abrupt.  I think I will settle down as time goes by but the pendulum always seems to swing to the other extreme before it equalizes.  I love being me and not my moms clone!

[Gabben]

I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.

You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.   

Escape.

Yesterday I went to confession. I confessed the anger in my heart and how hard it is for me to let go. I confessed the self abuse that I do by carrying anger and the subtle ways that anger enters my thoughts and then actions such as smoking a pack a day or not being constructive with my time, sloth. A lot of priests would send me away laughing at me because my sins are so small. They would tell me that I have scruples and that I need to just forget about it. Not the priest I spoke to yesterday. He was so kind.

I felt so comfortable crying in this priest presence because he was full of compassion and understanding. He also encouraged me by pointing out how few people are willing to embrace this kind of work in order to grow spiritually and have deeper more fullfilling relationships with God and others. He commended me for my willingness to work at healing.

The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery. He confirmed for me what you Ami had once confirmed for me that God's work in me will not be left unfinished.

He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself.  Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.

I'm making progress and I soon I will post my own progress report!!!!

You are intensely lovable.

Lise

[Ami]

_{He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself.  Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.}


Dear Lise,
 I feel a sense of "hopelessness" when s/one says "take care of yourself", also.   I know that they  are trying to give us TLC,but it feels depressing b/c I don't know HOW to. It just "highlights" it more.
 If I knew how to take care of myself I would not be in this mess (lol)
  I really can relate. Thanks for expressing it.  That priest sounds very special. You are right about s/one  needing to plumb  their own emotional depths before they are comfortable with another person "going there".
  This,also, happens with one person coming out of denial and the another   not wanting to. The one that wants to stay in denial will shame the other one to "push " them back.                    Love   Ami

((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

  The one that wants to stay in denial will shame the other one to "push " them back.                   

Exactly!!

That is what in essence my the saintly N therapist did to me. She could not handle the depth of pain that was coming up for me because she is still in her denial about her own N mom and her own abusive childhood. She once told me that her mom was really cold but she never called her names or abused her like my mom did. (She was comparing herself to me and she seemed envious of even my pain or my ability to express it). Emotional depravity is abuse as far as I am concerned. You would think that she, being a therapist would have had the training and knowledge to heal herself before trying to heal others. She was so concerned with the degrees and prestige that she forgot to grow. Then I come along and I am all about honesty and integrity, emotions and healing. She did not know what to do with me and my pain was pushing, no doubt, her to have look at herself and that was the last thing that she wanted to do. Her image had been built and she was not about to expose herself to herself. I think that she was jealous that I was able to be so honest and open which takes courage and is a sign of a strong person.


The first step in healing is to look at ourselves and honestly admit how much we need help. N's find this very hard to do.



Lise ((((((AMI))))))

[Leah]

I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.

You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.   

Escape.

Yesterday I went to confession. I confessed the anger in my heart and how hard it is for me to let go. I confessed the self abuse that I do by carrying anger and the subtle ways that anger enters my thoughts and then actions such as smoking a pack a day or not being constructive with my time, sloth. A lot of priests would send me away laughing at me because my sins are so small. They would tell me that I have scruples and that I need to just forget about it. Not the priest I spoke to yesterday. He was so kind.

I felt so comfortable crying in this priest presence because he was full of compassion and understanding. He also encouraged me by pointing out how few people are willing to embrace this kind of work in order to grow spiritually and have deeper more fullfilling relationships with God and others. He commended me for my willingness to work at healing.

The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery. He confirmed for me what you Ami had once confirmed for me that God's work in me will not be left unfinished.

He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself.  Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.

I'm making progress and I soon I will post my own progress report!!!!

You are intensely lovable.

Lise

Dear ((( Lise )))

The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery.

And one day, soon, we need not look back.

Such is God's promise.

Love to you,

Leah

[lighter]

Thanks Lighter  from talking me down "from the rails"
 

Actually..... I was kinda hoping you'd jump..... 

and so, learn to fly. 

Figuretively, of course.

[Ami]

pain or my ability to express it). Emotional depravity is abuse as far as I am concerned. You would think that she, being a therapist would have had the training and knowledge to heal herself before trying to heal others.


 Dear Lise,
  I could not let this go by.My M( an NPD) is a therapist  in Boston.                  Love    Ami

[changing]

Hi Ami-

It hurts to read this thread- Ami I hope that you haven't stopped eating. I have been busy and distracted- did something happen over the holiday weekend to upset you or open old wounds?Just please know that I care and that you are God's creature, your body is a temple, and the main purpose of your creation is praise!!!! We love you and need your presence in our lives, as do your other family and friends- there is only one Ami.

Love,

Changing

PS- If that Pig Parent voice starts squealing lies and casting aspersions at you, tell it the same thing King Juan Carlos told a babbling Chavez- "Why don't you just shut up!!!"

Love and Peace,

Changing

[Overcomer]

This thread makes me feel good.  I agree with Am-shining the light on these things exposes them and therefore takes the power out of them.  It is like me telling my H that I will tell about his drunkenness-no secrets!  To admit there is a problem is the first step in treating it.  It reminds me of my friend who recently died of breast cancer.  She never had a mammogram-Denying that it would ever happen to her-she got it and died.  Denial will kill us-we must shine a light on the dysfunction!

[Ami]

Thank you,Kelly, for saying that. I felt badly b/c I just got a PM from s/one worried about me.,I "vowed' to NOT express myself "strongly' like this again.
    Kelly, you really "got ' my point . There IS that layer within us. It screams at us(all the old hated phrases). We push it down, drug it down, shop it down , eat it away, starve it away," prestige" it away etc. ALL these things drive us and drive us.
   I 'touched" and "saw' that level ,yesteday,so it was a "strong' moment for me.
   I expressed how it felt. My friend said that people thought that you were on the rail of the "bridge"
  I dont' want to scare friends that way.I was so touched at people's expressions of caring.
               Love   Ami


(((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  Pig Parent-----I like that. Thank you for your wisdom.I will do that.       Love  Ami


((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))

[lighter]

You learn to take care of yourself.... you don't just know it or do it or figure it out in a day.

You fake taking care of yourself until you get used to it and it becomes a habit and it's two steps forward, one step back.

You do one little thing, no matter how uncomfortable it is..... you pretend you're doing it for someone worthy but you do it for yourself.

You experience the wonderful warm glow that is by product of self care. 

For me..... it feels like my Grandma's clean farm kitchen floor.  Sacred and special.....

 shining on you. 

 

[tayana]

Kelly, you really "got ' my point . There IS that layer within us. It screams at us(all the old hated phrases). We push it down, drug it down, shop it down , eat it away, starve it away," prestige" it away etc. ALL these things drive us and drive us.

Ami, I had to comment on this quote.  I think I've said before that I dealt with my depression by shopping and spending money on things I didn't really need or want.  I'd feel really bad, and I'd know there was a problem.  I'd feel even worse for charging things and buying things, but I couldn't stop.  I couldn't admit that the real problem was my living situation, although I knew it was, and I couldn't admit that I was suffering from more than just a little depression now and then.  I was totally in denial.  I was having a hard time admitting that those moments that I was having panicked feelings because I had so much stuff to do and couldn't get any of them done, were anxiety.  I'd literally sit in a mess and not know where to start and feel anxious because not only was I telling myself that I was bad for allowing the mess to build up, but I had my mom telling me the same thing.

I had all these feelings of rage and pain and depression and anxiety built up and no way to express them, no way to deal with them at all.  There came a point when I knew I needed help, but didn't know how I could get it, because my mother would be furious if she knew I was seeing a T.  She doesn't believe in that.  She would be even more appalled if she knew I was taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist.

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,
I care too.

I wasn't going to voice this, but since some others have expressed how they were concerned too, I will. Maybe it will be helpful in some way. I'm not afraid of your strong feelings, I realize that's not where my occasional resistance to them comes from. (Your feelings belong to you, nobody else.)

But I wondered, as I absorbed this thread and felt and thought and took it all in...I had a moment where I wanted to ask you, very simply and not as any kind of slam,

When you are in this depth and it's so intense you can't believe how much you hate yourself or how sad you feel, is there some way in which you are in love with the pain? I mean, savoring the levels of pain the way a person might savor some particularly amazing food? Are you almost ... loving the pain?

(I'm trying to say, is it possible that in your process you take it a step beyond healthy permission to feel and acceptance and "sitting with" the most toxic and painful emotions imaginable...to loving that pain, like you would love a lover?) Are you maybe feeling that the worst pain is your best friend? Do you yearn for more pain when you haven't been feeling any for a little while?

If any of that makes sense, good. If not, compost...

love
Hops