Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Letter from God
Michelle:
MM - Wow! A year, huh. How does that feel? Did you go through a mourning period? What happened after that? My counselor has said that it is kind of like mourning a death in a way. Do you agree with that after a year? Just curious as to what is on the "other side" of this for me. Please feel free to share any letters you have written here for us to read if you feel comfortable with that. I find that very healing too - reading others thoughts to their "N's". Sometimes it helps me to make connections that I haven't gotten to yet. Thanks for your support.
Bunny - There are lots of things about God that I don't understand completely and don't have the answers to. I just know that He is my only stability and peace in all this craziness, so I know he is there. When I seek Him, I feel Him completely. Thanks for always being supportive. You are a treasure on this board. : )
Flower - Welcome! I like your descriptor of "love bombs" - a very accurate description and not one I have thought of! Very well worded! You should be very proud of the way you have dug into analyzing your mom. I really liked some of your suggestions especially: listing out the ways she manipulates and undermines; finding the humor; and thinking about the trigger words. That was very helpful, thank you for your insight. Thanks for the verse reference. I love that part of Romans. Very meaty and good for meditating on. I also love Psalms 139 the whole chapter - but especially v 13-16. Thank you flower - I'm glad your here!
Learning - Thank you for your kind words. I always enjoy your support and encouragement. You are very gifted in those areas!
~~Michelle
mighty mouse:
Hi Michelle,
You asked how it feels after a year of not talking to my NMom (I call her Mother Superior)?
I've found it to be the BEST thing I've ever done. It's allowed me to start having a voice and to grow up. I think I'd been stuck somewhere in my childhood still waiting for the love and approval. This process started with me kicking my NPD sister to the curb and subsequently my Mom.
Admittedly, I think it was easier for me than most because my Dad has passed (so I wouldn't be missing him), and I ascertained that if I wanted a relationship with some of my Sibs (I have 7 of them), that I could do that independently. All 7 are in various stages with my Mom and I know which ones I can relate to and which ones I can't.
Since my Mom is a very covert N, she hasn't told any of my sibs (except one) that we're not talking since she doesn't want to look bad. But she did sic my NPD sister on me to try to get me into line. It didn't work and I am now more convinced than ever that I did the right thing since she tried that triangulation tactic with my sick sister.
Also I live in Texas and she's in PA. Ahhhh. the distance has been good to me. I've also had my income cut in the last couple of years and it's a concrete excuse to not visit - I really can't afford it. I used to visit every year, send really nice gifts (Oh, I will miss those holey, wrong sized sweaters she got me for Christmas), and played her games and to tell the truth it was expensive. I used to go to all of my family stuff...weddings, graduations, even alumni banquets because she would expect it. She was one of those who pushed the myth of us being a close family!
I finally realized that we weren't close and all the stuff that I did (which was not reciprocated) was costing me alot of money and was not appreciated by her or anyone up there. So after I accepted her for what she is, I found it to be okay. And it gets more okay with time.
I do come to this board for support. It's a big step to take. But now I can look people in the face, I can challenge people who are trying to play me and I can stand up for myself and feel like a real, honest to god, fully functioning and fully feeling person.
So I have gotten alot out of this. I can joke and be silly, I've developed more empathy for others and I actually feel like I have something to contribute.
The last conversation I had with my Mom made me feel sick physically. That's when I knew I was going to make a change. And thank goodness for technology (caller ID, etc.). I've dodged her to the point that she knows I'm gone. Too bad for her, but then she never bothered to know me anyway. And I think I'm a pretty neat person after all of this!
Good luck with your journey. And as far as the letters that I never posted, they served their purpose and at some point in time I shredded them. Oh, and I also cleaned my whole house from top to bottom and threw out "other" old useless stuff. Last year was quite a year for me. And thank you for asking.
MM
Anonymous:
Michelle,
Thanks for your welcome and feedback!
The learning experience has been both painful and rewarding. My mom's "love bombs" are effective as is the "love bombing" done by cults to entrap new members. Her special attention, because I couldn't see it was self-serving for her, worked with me and it was painful when it was withdrawn to punish me. I've found websites on cult behavior helpful to understand the dynamics of the family in which I was raised. Also sites about manipulation and social influence have helped our family a lot. We have studied informal logical fallacies and I think somehow that has helped us also to be less manipulated. Exploring these areas helped us unravel our stirred up emotions and put a label on what was really going on.
http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html is one site that contains a list of techniques used by the abuser/verbal abuser and what the abuser is really saying by their behavior/words. This particular list was very helpful to me even though it has the abuser as a man.
flower
Anonymous:
Michelle,
Thanks for your welcome and feedback!
The learning experience has been both painful and rewarding. My mom's "love bombs" are effective as is the "love bombing" done by cults to entrap new members. Her special attention, because I couldn't see it was self-serving for her, worked with me and it was painful when it was withdrawn to punish me. I've found websites on cult behavior helpful to understand the dynamics of the family in which I was raised. Also sites about manipulation and social influence have helped our family a lot. We have studied informal logical fallacies and I think somehow that has helped us also to be less manipulated. Exploring these areas helped us unravel our stirred up emotions and put a label on what was really going on.
http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html is one site that contains a list of techniques used by the abuser/verbal abuser and what the abuser is really saying by their behavior/words. This particular list was very helpful to me even though it has the abuser as a man.
flower
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