I think I understand now..."seems like someone I knew from my past"

[reallyME]

I decided to read through some stories of the people on this board.  There are a few people who, in their posts to me or others, really reminded me of N's in my life...until I read the struggles they went through in their families of origin.

It all makes sense now why ____________ reacted to me just like X used to.  I understand now, why _________ seemed so adversarial.

I say all this as a reminder to some of us here, that, sometimes when we feel reactive to something someone says or how they respond to us, it may just be that:

a.) they are triggering pain that isn't yet healed from N
b.) they are still working through their own ability to respond to people, because of faulty teachings from N parents
c.) they might just be clashing with us because we remind them of one of their N's

The best method when this happens, I have found, is to state your view and then leave it at that.  Don't have to be the one with the "last word."  Better to be seen as wrong than to be at war.

~Laura

[Leah]

In my view, and experience, regardless of whether I am received or ignored, my heart simply follows the path of compassion, with sincerity and serenity.

That's all I can be.

Respectfully mindful that the words belong to someone in real life; a person who has courageously expressed their life experience, heart, soul, feelings and emotions.

Love, Leah

[reallyME]

Leah,

I think what I hear you saying is that I need to just consider the source and try not to remember that the words also came from the abuser originally?

Help?

[Gabben]

Hi Laura,

How many times have I been reactive in my life? hmmm, way too many times to count. It has taken me a long time to sew into my thinking hey "this is not about me"...

Here is a excerpt from the Big Book of AA --Last week I asked a friend does the Big Book of AA have anything to say about narcissism , they laughed and told me to read page 60 and 61. It is all about self-centered thinking and Lord knows I have plenty of that.


This is from page 65.
We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."


The reading would be better if the word "sick" was replaced by wounded or hurt person -- I don't like the word "sick."  But the book was written a long time ago and sick was an OK word back then.

Hope this helps,
Lise

[reallyME]

Lise,

I guess what bugs me even about the passage you shared from the AA book, is that X actually was "ministering" to other "sick' people all the while I was with her, until her alter ego kicked in and she began resenting those same people.

The hardest thing for me after the abusive relationship, was to not associate certain verses in the Bible, with her voice being the thing quoting them.  It was also hard to not view people how she did as well for a long time.

When I see people sometimes share things on the board, my mind wants to say "yeah, those were the EXACT SAME WORDS X used to "train" me in ministry...so, how can i now accept them as something I should be doing in order to reach others.  They were words used to abuse me and manipulate me, yet I'm still being told they are true.

See what I mean?

example: X told me "the way to truly know you have no aught in your heart toward someone, is to see them as VICTIMS."  Well, I didn't realize it at the time, but she was wanting me to view HER that way, although she NEVER IN A ZILLION YEARS would admit that to anyone, cause as far as she was concerned, she had GOD and HE was all she needed.  The truth was, I did learn to see her as wounded, sick, mentally ill, psychologically disturbed, etc...but, it didn't cause me to let go of my own hurts.  I had to finally give those over to God, focus on who I am in Christ, and leave her to do whatever she purposes in her heart to do, praying that she NEVER does to another what was done to me.

~Laura

[Gabben]

Lise,

I guess what bugs me even about the passage you shared from the AA book, is that X actually was "ministering" to other "sick' people all the while I was with her, until her alter ego kicked in and she began resenting those same people.

The hardest thing for me after the abusive relationship, was to not associate certain verses in the Bible, with her voice being the thing quoting them.  It was also hard to not view people how she did as well for a long time.

When I see people sometimes share things on the board, my mind wants to say "yeah, those were the EXACT SAME WORDS X used to "train" me in ministry...so, how can i now accept them as something I should be doing in order to reach others.  They were words used to abuse me and manipulate me, yet I'm still being told they are true.


Hi Laura,

I have some reponses to your post above and I hear EXACTLY what you are saying. I'll get back you later today.

Lise

See what I mean?

example: X told me "the way to truly know you have no aught in your heart toward someone, is to see them as VICTIMS."  Well, I didn't realize it at the time, but she was wanting me to view HER that way, although she NEVER IN A ZILLION YEARS would admit that to anyone, cause as far as she was concerned, she had GOD and HE was all she needed.  The truth was, I did learn to see her as wounded, sick, mentally ill, psychologically disturbed, etc...but, it didn't cause me to let go of my own hurts.  I had to finally give those over to God, focus on who I am in Christ, and leave her to do whatever she purposes in her heart to do, praying that she NEVER does to another what was done to me.

~Laura

[Leah]

In my view, and experience, regardless of whether I am received or ignored, my heart simply follows the path of compassion, with sincerity and serenity.

That's all I can be.

Respectfully mindful that the words belong to someone in real life; a person who has courageously expressed their life experience, heart, soul, feelings and emotions.

Love, Leah

Dear Laura,

In answer to your question,

My above response was with reference to our interaction here on the board,

which was my understanding of your new topic thread post ....

I decided to read through some stories of the people on this board.  There are a few people who, in their posts to me or others, really reminded me of N's in my life...until I read the struggles they went through in their families of origin.........

......... The best method when this happens, I have found, is to state your view and then leave it at that.  Don't have to be the one with the "last word."  Better to be seen as wrong than to be at war.




Do hope all goes well with your 'retreat' break.

Love, Leah