Update on "Holidays bring Ns out of the woodwork"

[sunblue]

Hi all:

Before Thanksgiving, I posted that I had received an e-mail from my evil Nsis which brought up all kinds of bad feelings.  Occasionally, I would get one of these e-mails at the holidays from her in which she basically wants me to help her with something or give her gift ideas for my Nparents.  I LOATHE these e-mails and want absolutely nothing to do with her. 

Well, just thought I'd give an update.  I never did open the e-mail.  I just couldn't deal with it.  My brother told me today that he spoke with my Nmom and that what she actually wrote in the e-mail was an invitation to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her and my parents!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!  I just want to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"  She has destroyed my family and my parents allowed it and continue to allow it.  The three of them (my Nsis, Nmom and co-D dad) would love nothing more than for me to accompany them on this contrived Christmas fiasco and thereby leave my brother by himself.  My sister disowned him and his family and my parents always enabled and supported her.

Well, of course, I have no plans whatsoever to spend any holiday with my evil Nsis.  I want nothing to do with her.  But it makes me so ANGRY that she would have the gall to initiate this contact and try to manipulate me and put me in the middle.  So now, I am put in the position of having to respond to an invitation that she had no right to make in the first place.  So, I put together a short e-mail to her responding to the invitation.  I told her I didn't get the e-mail until after the Thanksgiving holiday and that I was unsure of my plans at this point and that I had other things to focus on right now.  I could not bring myself to thank her for the invitation or to send her holiday greetings because I know this would just be taken by her as a sign that she should keep contacting me and making these gestures.  Unfortunately, my birthday is also in December and she, no doubt, will take this opportunity for another unwanted contact.

The audacity of Ns!!!  After more than 10 years of no contact and a lifetime of heartache and abuse from her, she suddenly wants contact.  In my opinion, one of the reasons she is doing this is, of course, selfishly motivated.  My parents are getting on in years and my sister's lifelong boyfriend/partner has separated from her over the past year.  THey are tentatively still together but I'm sure she's thinking if he walks away and if my parents pass, she will be left with no family.  It is of course all her own doing, but nevertheless....

Ughhhhh!!!  I hate, hate, hate, hate this.  Unfortunately, because my unemployment status forces me right now to live with my Nparents, these kinds of initiatives from my Nsis are more difficult to deal with.  They look at these little e-mails as HUGE gestures from my Nsister to reconcile.  All they think about is my Nsis's happiness, not mine and certainly not my brothers. 

At this point, I think I've decided to spend Christmas Eve with my brother and spend Christmas Day by myself as I did with Thanksgiving.  I just can't stand this N drama......It is just too painful.

Sorry.  Just had to vent.

[lighter]

Sunblue.... I think your plan to spend Christmas Eve with your brother (when the lights are all aglow) then spend Christmas day relaxing and reading and reposing sounds wonderful. 

I hope you don't give your N sis another thought..... just concetrate on enjoying the holiday and feeling the spirit. 

[Overcomer]

I do not understand.  You live with your parents?  So are they having Christmas at your sis house?  It is fun huh?  But if you live with an N mom I would think that would be hell enough.

[sunblue]

Yup, my parents have Christmas at my sis' house (my Nmom lugs all the pots and pans, food and presents to her house where she cooks for her and anything else she wants.)  My Nmom has repeatedly asked me to go with them when they spend every weekend, holiday, vacation with my Nsis.  Of course I refuse and my Nmom just doesn't get it.  She just assumes everybody should drop to their knees and do whatever my Nsis wants.

The reason I said I do my best to ignore my evil Nsis and try to succinctly but carefully rebuff her invitations is because I live with my Nparents and my Nmom, especially, goes off when I try to act like an adult and respond to my Nsis in an honest way.  One year a couple of years ago my Nsis sent a gift for my birthday/Christmas.  I was angry she did this since obviously we've had no contact and I wanted nothing to do with her or her gift bribes.  So, logically I thought, I would write a short, civil note acknowledging the gift but stating I could not accept them due to the current state of circumstances and send the gift back.  When my Nmom learned this, she completely went into a rage, screamed, "I will NOT let you hurt HER!" and ordered my obedient codependent dad to rip the gift out of my hands, which he did.  SHe then took the gift, ripped off the wrapping paper and hid it away so I could not send it back.

Unfortunately, until I get an job and can move from this craziness, I just try to bite my tongue and ignore my Nsis' evil ways as best I can.  It's not a great solution but it's all I've got right now.  Personally, it never ceases to amaze me that my Nsis continues to not get it.  She continues these little e-mails and invitations around the holidays despite the fact that she never wanted a relationship with me before and despite the fact she well knows how I feel about what she did to my brother and to my family.  It is amazing how self-centered, selfish these tunnel-visioned Ns are....

[finding peace]

Hi Sunblue,

I was reading your thread and this jumped out at me:

Personally, it never ceases to amaze me that my Nsis continues to not get it.  She continues these little e-mails and invitations around the holidays despite the fact that she never wanted a relationship with me before and despite the fact she well knows how I feel about what she did to my brother and to my family.

My immediate thought was that this may be a ploy on her part.  This is something my brother would do.  After sending the e-mail, he would then turn around and say to my mother, well I've tried, she is the one with the problem.  Just one more tactic in his arsenal to make me out to be the "bad" one and keep his golden child status.

It reminds me of last year when I was going through a lot of problems with my mother (before I went NC).  At one point she said in this accusatory tone of voice, your brother told me that he hasn't even seen your new house and you have been living there for 2 years.  I replied that he has been invited he chose not to come.  She responded in this nasty, nasty tone - well that was because he was working.  It is real insidious how they do this....My brother complains to my mother about me, she yells at me (for something I didn't even do), and when I respond - she defends him.   Used to drive me nuts!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for your current situation.   It must be so hard to live there and have to deal with it on a daily basis.

Sending prayers that you are able to get out of there soon. 

Peace

BTW - I love the title of your thread.  It is so true.  I dreaded every single holiday with my FOO.

[sunblue]

Thanks Finding Peace......I appreciated your post very much.  You are so right.  It is a ploy.  My Nparents have even basically said, "See, SHE's making an effort (meaning my Nsis)."  My brother and I always responded that after 10-15 years of no contact, after the kinds of hateful things my Nsis has done (disowning of my brother and his family among many other things), you can't just pretend nothing happened and gather around a Christmas tree and open the gifts my Nsis so loves to lavish on people.  We've always said IF there is any possibility at all of having a civil (although not close by any means) relationship with this Nsis, there has to be a LOT of conversation that takes place first.  She would have to acknowledge the damage she did.  It would be a very slow process.  But neither my Nsis nor Nparents, of course, want any part of conversation or evaluation.  They just want my brother and I to pretend nothing happened and put on this facade, ALL to make my Nsis Happy.  It's always been and always will be about HER. 

So,  yes it is a ploy.  My refusing to go along with it is just one more thing my Nmom and Nsis can use to point at me and blame me for everything that has gone wrong. 

I truly have no interest whatsoever of ever seeing my Nsis again.  She is nothing to me and never was.  She made it clear from the time I was old enough to have a memory that she had no use for a sister.  Just hearng her name makes me miserable so I could never see myself being in the same room with her on a holiday.  Besides, what irks me the most is I know that this whole holiday invitation is all about my Nsis, not me.  My parents could care less how this all affects me.  All they know is it is something my Nsis wants.  Never ending.  Never ending.

My Nsis and Nmom are very literally two peas from the same N pod.  However, as my Nmom gets older, my guess is my Nsis will become more desperate in her attempts to "reunite" with the siblings she hurt because her "supply" will have disappeared.  No other human being (not a healthy one anyway) would enable and support the sick behavior that my Nsis routinely offers up 

I often wonder how this has affected other people.  If you come from a family where there is both an Nparent and Nsibling, how does the Nsibling react when their Nparent passes or disengages in some other way.  My guess is it is a desperate time for them.

Yup, as the weeks go on before the holiday, things will only get worse.  I'm already bracing myself for the delivery of "gifts" that will arrive and my Nmom's desperate attempts to continue to manipulate me.

I have been PRAYING and praying that Santa will bring me a nice, shiny new job.  Then the New Year would hopefully bring a move away from them.  I would be alone but at least I wouldn't have to deal with this constant barrage of narcissism.

Thanks for listening......

[finding peace]

I truly have no interest whatsoever of ever seeing my Nsis again.  She is nothing to me and never was.  She made it clear from the time I was old enough to have a memory that she had no use for a sister.

Yep, yep, yep - I can completely understand this - except it is my brother. 

Never ending is right - ugh!

I am not sure how my brother will take it when my mother dies - except to make it about him.  Most likely he will just go out and find some other source of Nsupply. 

(((((((sunblue)))))))))