Help me w/ Nsib

[hollis19]

HI
I stumbled across this message board and I hope that someone can help me get some clarity.

I just spent Thankgiving with my N sister and once again she has torn me down and made me feel like I am the one with all the issues. And it all started when I had the nerve to take responsibility for my actions and apologize for not "making her feel comfortable" in my home. It did not matter that I was stressed all week w/ two small kids, my brother staying w/me for two week, a thanksgiving to cook, OH...and my dad has cancer (mom died 6 years ago from drinking) which we just discovered last month.( And somehow my sister managed to make my dad's cancer all about her and her anger issues toward my Dad....no empathy, no compassion )

So, in my apology, I also told her that I wish we could communicate better and I wish that she would open up and allow me to get closer to her. Well...she just let me have it....it was all about how wrong I am and how right she is...how it is all about her and she does not have any issues and I am the one who needs work on myself.

And as we went back and forth (through e-mail since the phone is too heavy for her) the more I kept it on me the more she dug into me. I just don't understand it.

I have been in AA for 17 years, I have been to therapy for 5 years (off and on), I have a masters degree in Social Work and I have spent the last 10 years counseling people. Could I be so delusional that I actually give weight to all of the evil, blaming, hurtful things that she says? And yet, that is what I am doing. I know that I should just let it go, let the relationship go, but I just keep thinking "she's my sister" aren't we suppose to have a relationship?

The bottom line is...I can't be around her...because I hate who I am when I am around her. I end up being so afraid of her that I go out of my way and walk on egg shells so that I don't make her mad. And yet, the minute I don't act the way she wants me too...she gets angry (however, she says she has no anger issues...that I am the one with all the anger issues) and then she cuts me out of her life. But why would I want to be in her life....she doesn't let me in, she's cold and controlling and it is all about her.

She is so twisted that she has managed to twist every word, every action around to make me start to believe that I am defective and she is perfect. And I know that I am not defective and I know that I can't be around someone who makes me feel so bad about myself.

So, I am always asking myself....is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with her? And yet, all the validation in the world that she is wrong...I still question it.

How do you have a relationship with a Nsib....or is it not possible or am I just the crazy one....am I the Narcissistic.

Any feedback would be so helpful so I can process this...

Thanks so much,
Hollis

[changing]

Hello Hollis-

It is so unfair that you put effort and resources into providing a lovely holiday for your family and help ease the pain and shock that everyone was feeling due to your father's news, and yet you had to "pay" for your generosity by getting a slapdown. I am so sorry- you certainly didn't deserve that.

I am glad that you posted and hope that you find help here as I have. I don't know enough from your post to go into detail about your questions, so I will just say welcome, and hope that you continue to post here, and that you get what you need to free yourself from the abuse that you suffer (and it sounds as if you have suffered all of your life as you indicated that you grew up with an alcoholic mom.)

Love and Best Wishes,

Changing

[finding peace]

Hi Hollis,

I am sorry.  She sounds classic N. 

I know that feeling of total, mind-bending bewilderment and confusion.

You asked how do I have a relationship with an Nsib?

It has been my experience with Ns – that there is no relationship unless you cater to their every mood.  Never disagree with them.  And never, ever try to explain your side of the story or your opinion on anything (if it doesn’t agree with their viewpoint 150%).

My only advice is that if you want a relationship with an N, learn never to state truth as you see it – only state truth as you think they see it.  Never disagree – that is a big no-no.  And never, ever expect fair treatment, consideration, or respect.  It will never come.

Welcome to a wonderful place (balanced by sorrow that you are driven to find a place like this).

((((((Hollis))))))

Peace

[mudpuppy]

but I just keep thinking "she's my sister" aren't we suppose to have a relationship?

Not if she is not capable of one. Sometimes these people must be written off.
One things Ns teach is blood is NOT thicker than water; sometimes it's just poison.

mud

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Hollis...

is it not possible

No.

You can have a detached careful one, superficial...limited contact, hopefully.

But never a "let's open our hearts and get closer"...not with an Nsib.

They sense your vulnerabilities like littermates and sink in their teeth.

It's their Nanimal nature.

I'm sorry. But glad you're here to work it through.

(Sometimes we just need a safe place to say/write out loud what we already know...to listeners who will help us remember it.)

And, you don't deserve to feel this way.

Hopalong

[lighter]

Hello Hollis:

Next time your sister writes an e mail that says all the problems are all you.....

tell her that it's never ONE person and if someone says it is..... it's usually all that person.

Withdrawl with love...... don't engage her if it's always going to be a painful conflict. 

I bet she has plenty of other people she's interacts with like this.... you don't have to provide this kind of relationship for her too.

You can say "Let me know how that works out for ya" or "I disagree and that's the last I want to hear anything about that" or "Please don't talk about negative things around me and my children.  If you do it again, I'll know you aren't interested in having a relationship with us" then end the relationship if she can't stop poking you.

The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that you sib is toxic and maybe a bit disturbed. 

She's on the path God intended for her though, that's the truth of it. 

Sometimes, from a distance is the best way to love people, even if it's not the way they'd prefer. 

[Hollis]

 
Thanks for all the warm and understanding feedback. Just reading the responses from people that understand and have empathy has given me validation and courage to deal with my Nsib. I think that it has been so difficult for me to REALLY see her from an outside perspective because we have had the same relationship for so long. And maybe we just can't have a relationship...that is "normal" and that is the reality that is so hard for me to swallow. I believe that most people have some capacity to see themselves and to try to be better. But Narcissists do not.

It is just insanity to keep trying on my part. Since insanity is hitting your head against a brick wall over and over again and expecting a different result.

I am glad that I found this site.

Hollis

[isittoolate]

hi Hollis

I have four siblings, 3 sisters and 1 brother. Our parents were dysfunctional, as passed down from their parents, and were not good parents to us. They seemed to be the happiest when they had all 5 of us fighting.

So there was never a close relationship, from my viewpoint between any two of us. We all just left home and went our separate ways. Whenever there was a family get together, I was miserable inside. I wanted to talk seriously about our relationships, but that wasn't us. We reminisced about things that were very sad and hurtful and turned them into laughing matters, so everyone appeared to be having a good time.

Now we are all over 65. I moved 2000 miles away from them. One, the sister next oldest to me is an N, in my book, the eldest is a faux socialite. I am on this Board ('nuff said?) and the youngest sister and my brother, the youngest, went horseback riding in the Rockies for 5 days then came to see me for 2 days, Aug 4-5, this year. Hadn't seen them for 10-11 years.

We got on fine, and I talked about me, now post-N. They listened but I don't think they understood. I was 'nervous' that they were coming, took them on a tour, but it had to be MY tour, wheelchair, because I often wondered if any understood my limitations. They left and emailed back how they had enjoyed themselves, but what else could they do? <grin> but neither has asked about the mental mix-ups I have.

I treat them all as toxic people and it makes me feel better. At least I have the distance!

How far away does your sister live?  Would you consider No Contact at all?

I do not contact my 2 older sisters., nor they me!

so I do not believe that blood is thicker than water---even though I still recognize us as family.

Just my little happy lament

xx
Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Leah]

Dear ((((( Hollis )))))


Hops :  "They sense your vulnerabilities like littermates and sink in their teeth."

Peace :   "Never disagree – that is a big no-no."  "And never, ever expect fair treatment, consideration, or respect.  It will never come."

Words of Truth and Wisdom.

Speaking from experience with my Nsister - FOO - exH


Kind hearted hospitable people like yourself deserve to receive at the very least, the same in return, and most definitely not Nistic abuse in any guise or form.


Glad you are here to work it all through, amongst sincere empathy and supportive understanding.

Love, Leah

[Kimberli63]

I am new here too and I found myself identifying with what you are saying. My advice is to cut your losses. Tell her if she doesn't speak to you and your family with respect, you are not going to communicate with her and mean it.

As long as you play the game, because that is what it is for her, she will continue to manipulate you.

Richard Bach in his book "Illusions" wrote "The bond that links your true family, is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof".

Be strong.

Kimberli