Is It Really O.K. to Let N Thoughts and Emotions Just Go By--Part 4 (LOL)

[Overcomer]

Am-you know my H is a drunk and every time he gets drunk (which is most every weekend) I wonder when his drinking will kill him.  If he is late from work I imagine him dead in a car accident or I think he will FINALLY go to the doctor and have a liver problem or lung cancer.  Part of me thinks it is his just reward for being a stupid person but I am sure if it actually happened then I would be very sad and he would take on Saint status.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I have to say that I very much admire your honesty and ALWAYS have. I am struggling to be "human" and not "perfect"in my emotions ,as my M demanded.
  I can always count on you for honesty and I REALLY appreciate it.       Love    Ami


((((((((Kelly)))))))))))

[Overcomer]

Thanks!  And you know it is true of you also.  If your H fell over dead of a heart attack you would be devastated.  Even your mom.  Sometimes I wish they would die but that is during a moment when I figure my life would be without problems if they were not here.  But ask those who were tormented by an N who passed-they almost always say that THEY continue to torment themselves-those N tapes that play in their brains. 

[Overcomer]

But that goes back to my POURING WISDOM thread.  If he would stop drinking then I would not imagine that he would die.  It is this screwy thinking I have that somehow he deserves it because he is playing russian roulette with his life!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 Actually,I WOULD be devastated if my H died. We have shared memories over 20 years that no one could ever reproduce. Even the bad ones were a "shared" life.
  I am glad that I "stayed" in a way and sad in another way.
  I guess that my "folksy' philosophy is "once you step in it.........(lol)
  Seriously,I would be devastated if any of them died b/c of  the deep connection. With my M, I still have truth to face before I am "free"       Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I am not living with an alcoholic,so it is easy for me to say.However, he is not doing it to be  a "jerk". He has "demons" that are torturing him. He is running from extreme ,unhealed pain . He is trying to medicate all the bad memories and feelings with alcohol.
 I never lived with it,so I ,perhaps, should not even give an opinion.
  I am sure that every day living is very,very hard.My point is that the drinking is the symptom of the suffering.    Love    Ami

[Overcomer]

Yes.  His drinking started as fun and then he realized he could medicate the pain and anxiety and now it has become an addiction.  The call of the drunk is stronger than my disapproval!  I believe that with or without them I still have to travel the road of healing by myself.  Lately I have missed my ex.  Not because I still love him but because of the shared memories we have.  I watched a video of my daughters when they were young and I felt regret that we were still not a family. 

[Overcomer]

My ex addictions cost him his family.  He has nothing.  No house no car no furniture no children no security.  All because his addiction cost him it all.  But I realize that without all his baggage I really liked and appreciated him.  He was smart and had great taste in music.  He loved a good cup of coffee at starbucks.  But he could not keep his pants zipped or keep a good job.  I just pick men who have problems.  I guess I think that is what I deserved.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  That was a big part of the reason that I stayed. If I COULD go back, I probably would have left BUT the big thing would have to be ,'Was I well enough NOT to "repeat'?"
  I guess that I knew,intuitively, that I was NOT and THAT is why I stayed.
   Kelly,I admire you for facing your life as honestly as you are             Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))

[changing]

Hi Overcomer and Ami-

When I came to this board, you accepted me as I was and let me know that I deserved to be happy and did not deserve the abuse that I was experiencing in my own home. This was quite freeing for me, as there was suddenly no shame in the secrets of my FOO or my "marriage" keeping me locked inside, and I am now rebuilding my life, thanks in great part to you. I am happier  and more at peace than I have been for a long time, despite the day-to-day challenges of a divorce from an N. Had NH been even remotely adhereing to our vows and not threatening my life, I would have taken another path, but I would have still been happier and freer, with your support and acceptance.
I pray that you give yourselves the same acceptance that you give others. You are both dear to me, and I want you to be happy and know that you are precious and loved. Please don't let anyone shame you, including yourselves. Only you and the Creator know what is right for you in your exercise of free will. I am praying that you experience great healing in your situations and great peace in your hearts.

Love,

Changing

[hollis]

Ami,

I am new to this board too...and have found it very helpful for me w/ my N sister. I don't know the answer to your question....since today I am asking myself the same question. I know that realistically it is OK to let things go...but if you are a sensitive, caring, emotional person who is really trying to work on themselves....as it sounds like you and everyone else on this board it...then IT IS HARD.

Sometimes (like today) I get so clouded in what is right and what is wrong...who is right and who is wrong...what should I be feeling. Oh...and that brings in the guilt. Part of me knows what I should feel as a strong person but then all the N voices from all the N people in my life come into play and I question myself. Sometimes I wish I had no self awareness, I had no emotions, I never tried to be a better person, a stronger person by going to AA and therapy and reading lots of book and becoming a Social Worker for that matter. I wish that I could just turn it all off and be dumbly happy....that I never broke any walls down...that I was never even aware that I had walls or issues...that I could never have really seen my families dysfunction.

And it seems that everytime I feel like I am in a really good place in my life...taking action on my career, getting to the gym everyday, being really on top of my game ...someone (sisiter, husband) just knock me down...and it is really hard not to fall into the selfpity and guilt. And it is really hard to not crawl into a ball and feel weak....like they must be right I am defective. Things like having my sister verbally punch me really set me back...and it is hard to process it and find a way to let it go.

We are so conditioned to be weak people that when we finally get some strength and start to change...the people around us that like us weak (since it makes them feel better) will do anything in their power to keep you down and weak.
When YOU change the dance...those around you don't understand it and don't want to dance with the new you....because they can't led.

So, I am not sure that helped..I hope that it might have. And YES it is okay to LET N thoughts and emotions go by....however, know that it takes time and if you really process them (which can be painfull) you can let them go for good. It is better to go through the uncomfortable process of your emotions then to just stuff them.

Love is an action word and letting go with love takes action...it takes work.

Hollis

[Hopalong]

Hi Hollis,
I can relate.

Took me a long time to realize if someone was punching me verbally I needed to avoid them just as I would avoid anyone who would punch my physically.

Some believe that verbal viciousness is even harder to recover from than blows. Blows are brutal, but unambiguous.

Words stay like worms in the brain.

I wonder if it takes the body and psyche just as long to recover from a brutal verbal blow?

Anyway, I was just thinking how I hope you will declare your serenity, your mind, and your self-respect (and therefore your ears, i.e. phone-- and eyes, i.e. email, letters, visits) off limits to your Nsister, because she is what she is and will never be anything else. So she can't/won't become anything different ever, only option left is for you to.

Different as in inaccessible...

What do you think?

Hopalong

[Overcomer]

I wonder if you can be cordial and yet set firm boundaries?  I have a cousin who will not answer his phone AND will not return calls.  Is this boundary setting or avoidance?  His wife and he are former drug addicts so I wonder if this is just left over paranoia?  I know I limit the conversations and contact to avoid getting in too deep where a confrontation will occur.  Has anyone tried the dumb blonde approach?  Simply saying THAT IS NICE to just about anything anyone says to you?

[hollis]

Thanks for the feedback...

As the days pass I do get more clarity on the situation w/ Nsister. She has done the classic N stance and basically said to me ..."I cut you out of my life". Which leaves me confused since she has pretty much said in a nut shell....."If you don't agree with me and see things my way or you make waves,  than I want nothing to do with you." But in all of my reading  and feedback from others, this seems to be classic N behavior. So it should be easy to detach from her...since she has already cut me out (as she has done to my father for seven years, to me in the past for a year and to many of her friends).

The really sad thing for me (and I need to accept it) is that my Dad is really sick (78 w/ cancer) and I would just expect (oh how could I !) that now would be the time for my siblings to pull together...not pull apart. My mom died 6 years ago...and she basically shut us out then so should I really expect any thing different. It is just a hard nut for me to swallow.

So, the more that people remind me that it is okay to detach the more it becomes clear to me that I can and it is OK.

Hollis