Well, first of all, our mentors were not allowed to talk about the Bible until our afternoon sessions. In order to obtain the grant to do this program, they had to agree to that. If any of you have churches where you'd like a marriage mentor weekend or seminar done, please let me know and I'll pass on the name of your organization to Matt Lauer who runs it. There is very little if any help for marriages in trouble, in various states, so this is a really needed and helpful program.
From Fri- Monday, my husband and I met with our mentors to talk about marriage issues and find better ways to communicate. We discussed every topic from children, to sex, to spiritual beliefs, to handling anger and conflict. We learned about using "I feel ___________ when you ___________." Or, paraphrasing what the other person says by saying "What I think I hear you saying is _____________. Is this right?"
Now, those are typical things you hear at marriage programs, but even better, our mentors gave us a gift of a book called Love and Respect by Eggerich. It explains how men have "respect" tanks that women need to fill, and women have "love" tanks that men need to fill, and how, sometimes men/women step on the tube to those tanks and begin cutting off the "air supply" to either...which is why either person will react in anger.
For instance, a woman says to her husband "ohhhhh I'm so FAT, I can't STAND IT"...so, husband buys wife a diet book. Wife generally reacts in anger, because she sees things through PINK SUNGLASSES and hears things with PINK EARPLUGS. Although husband meant the gesture to try and HELP the wife, she is INCENSED about it and interprets it as "you think I'm FAT! You are an insensitive jerk. YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"
With a man, a woman might constantly tell him she loves him but isn't sure she RESPECTS him. That is one of the worst things a man can feel...DISRESPECTED. It seems, in a survey that was done, feeling disrespected far surpassed the idea of feeling unloved, for the males.
My husband and I have discussed this and have been reading the book together. It has been making a huge difference in our marriage, but then again, I'm not real sure it will work with someone who has very little to no conscience, and whose only aim in life, is to destroy people, such as N's and Psychopaths do.
Just sharing some things
~Laura
