Author Topic: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM  (Read 6237 times)

Gabben

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SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« on: December 06, 2007, 04:57:57 PM »
This was a interesting read so I thought that I would share it:



http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/goingcrazy.html

 
                            "Courage is resistance and mastery of fear, not absence of fear." Mark Twain
 Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.  The narcissist doesn't want us to be in control of our feelings or emotions.  He wants us off guard,  feeling chaos,  despair and need.  We end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal.  But we don't have to. There are ways to navigate this journey.  Bruce Gregory's article on how to deal with narcissists is at the end of this page. It's practical, down to earth strategy is exactly what we need to take control and lose the feeling of going crazy.

In myths of old, perilous journeys are metaphors for the trials and tribulations we endure to develop strength.  It is important not to have a victim mentality. Don't despair. You are not mentally ill, you are injured. Getting to the other side of this means finding strength that will be with us for the rest of our lives. Life CAN get better. Thanks to Sam for finding some of the quoted passages which I have found invaluable in understanding both myself and how to deal with the narcissist in my life. "Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in awful bills." Minna Antrim

Leah

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2007, 05:40:51 PM »


Just thought I would add to the thread with this superb posting by 'Bornfree' a few days ago.

Certainly is such a wonderful insightful helpful resource.

Grateful for the knowledge.

Leah




DEPRESSION and Frustration and Anger

How we deal with stress, disappointments, and frustration determines the essence of our personality.

Anger may do more harm than any other emotion. First of all it is very common and, secondly, it upsets at least two people - the aggressor and the aggressed against.

There are two problems: how to prevent or control your own anger and how to handle someone aggressing against you. The overall effects of anger are enormous. Frustration tells us: "I'm not getting what I want!" "You are not telling me what I want to hear right now!"

How do we learn to suppress aggression?

We learn to genuinely forgive others. This takes a lot of work and understanding.

Anger can be the result of hurt pride, of unreasonable expectations, or of repeated hostile fantasies.

We may unconsciously use anger to blame others for our own shortcomings, to justify oppressing others, to boost our own sagging egos, to conceal other feelings, and to handle other emotions (as when we become aggressive when we are afraid).

Any situation that frustrates us, especially when we think someone else is to blame for our loss, is a potential trigger for anger and aggression.

What is frustration?

It is the feeling we get when we don't get what we want, when something interferes with our gaining a desired and expected goal.
 
Anger is feeling mad in response to frustration or injury. You don't like what has happened and usually you'd like to get revenge. Anger is an emotional-physiological-cognitive internal state; it is separate from the behavior it might prompt. In some instances, angry emotions are beneficial; if we are being taken advantage of, anger motivates us to take action (not necessarily aggressive) to correct the situation.

Recognizing anger

We know when we are very mad, but anger and aggression come in many forms, some quite subtle. Look inside yourself for more anger. This list (Madlow, 1972) of behaviors and verbal comments said to others or only thought to ourselves may help you uncover some resentments you were not aware of ...

Direct behavioral signs:

- ASSAULTIVE

- AGGRESSION Overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, whining, sarcasm, prejudice, flashes of temper;

- HURTFUL

- REBELLIOUS 

- DIRECT Verbal or cognitive signs

- OPEN HATRED + INSULTS 

- CONTEMPT + DISGUST 

- CRITICAL 

- SUSPICIOUS

- BLAMING

- VENGEFUL

- NAME CALLING

- LESS INTENSE BUT CLEAR "Well, I'm a little annoyed with [fill in blank]   "I'm fed up with [fill in blank] 


Thinly veiled behavioral signs:

- Distrustful, skeptical

- Argumentative, irritable, indirectly challenging

- Resentful, jealous, envious

- Disruptive, uncooperative, or distracting actions

- Unforgiving or unsympathetic attitude

- Sulky, sullen, pouting

- Passively resistant, interferes with progress

- Given to sarcasm, cynical humor, and teasing

- Judgmental attitude

Thinly veiled verbal signs:

- "No, I'm not mad - I'm just disappointed / annoyed / disgusted / put out / irritated."

- "You don't know what you're talking about."


Indirect behavioral signs:

- WITHDRAWAL

- PSYCHOSOMATIC DISORDERS Tiredness, anxiety, high blood pressure, heart disease.

Actually, college students with high hostility scores had, 20 years later, become more overweight with higher cholesterol and hypertension, had drunk more coffee and alcohol, had smoked more cigarettes, and generally had poorer health (Friedman, 1991).


Signs of Anger

- Depression and guilt

- Serious mental illness

- Self-defeating or addictive behavior, such as drinking, over-eating, or drugs

- Vigorous, distracting activity (exercising or cleaning)

- Excessively submissive, deferring behavior; or

- Crying.

 
HIDDEN ANGER

It is obvious from these "signs of anger" that anger is frequently a concealed or disguised emotion. And why not? Getting mad is scary ... and potentially dangerous.

One common way of expressing suppressed anger has been given a special name: passive-aggressiveness.

It is releasing your anger by being passive or subtly oppositional. For example, such a person may be "tired," unresponsive, act like he/she "doesn't understand," be late frequently, exaggerate others' faults, pretend to agree ("sure, whatever"), be tearful, be argumentative, be forgetful, deny anger ("Nothing's wrong ..."), procrastinate, and frequently be clumsy or sick (Hankins, 1993).

There is another related form of concealed anger: feeling like a victim.

Feeling victimized assumes that someone or some situation has mistreated you. But a person who specializes in constantly feeling like a victim may not identify or accuse his/her abuser. Instead, he/she generally feels that the world is against him/her, that others vaguely intend to make him/her miserable.

Victims usually feel helpless; therefore, they take little responsibility for what has happened to them. They think they were terribly mistreated in the past but they now seem unable to accept love and support,

e.g. if you offer them help, they never get enough or if you try to cheer them up, it seldom works.

A victim is much more likely to sulk, pout, look unhappy, or lay a guilt trip on something than to get angry.

They play games: "Why does it always happen to me?" or "Yes, but ..." (No-one's ideas or suggestions will do any good).

The self-pitying, pessimistic, sad, jealous victim is surely sitting on a mass of hostility.



Both the passive-aggressive and the victim are likely to be aware of their anger, even though it is largely denied.

 

Anger expresses itself in many forms:

- Cynic;

- Naysayer;

- Critic;

- Bigot, etc.

Potter-Efron & Potter-Efron (1995) describe ten different styles of expressing anger; this may help you identify your type and help you stop it. 



Depression is a critical message that you must change your way of living, thinking or behaving.

Depression is an important opportunity to reevaluate your priorities, and not a "disease" to be smothered or feared; depression is inverted anger, nothing more, so take the time to discover that with which you are angry.

Work through your depression rather than hold onto it as if it were a prized possession.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR DEPRESSION.
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Gabben

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2007, 05:58:49 PM »
Hi Leah,

Let me get something out:

Is this posting of anger your way of trying to tell me something?

If so will you please be direct with tack? Rather than using my post as an indirect passive way of speaking to me Leah.

If I am wrong I then forgive me for questioning you but I have a really good intuition and sense about things.

I have already apologized to you for making a not so nice comment out of angst. If you have not forgiven me then perhaps it is you who need to read up on anger.

Please don't respond with what on earth are you talking about -- I have no idea what is going on here I was just trying to add to the post...that won't fly with me, or God.

Why did you attach this here when you could have started a new topic?

Nothing I have done on this board since my saying "I'm sorry if I hurt you" has been underhanded or about you.

I have been working and focusing on my own thing and that incudes dealing and overcoming my anger issues that I already feel intensely ashamed about -- I am human.

Peace - I mean no harm I just want to clear the air.

Lise
« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 06:00:35 PM by Gabben »

Ami

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2007, 06:12:22 PM »
i want to say a prayer that two people who believe in God can work out issues with love and respect. We are ALL here to grow. We can help each other. If we can use kindness and humility ---we can all get to the end of the line and  our goal  ---to find -our voices   .                          Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2007, 06:13:25 PM »
Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.  The narcissist doesn't want us to be in control of our feelings or emotions.  He wants us off guard,  feeling chaos,  despair and need.  We end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal

Dear Lise,

Once again you seem to have jumped to a wrong assumption.

I have copied and pasted the above from your post.

Hence, I added to the thread as i thought it was an open thread for anyone here present to post to ......

so I did with ......

Just thought I would add to the thread with this superb posting by 'Bornfree' a few days ago.

Certainly is such a wonderful insightful helpful resource.

Grateful for the knowledge.

Leah



That's all, nothing more, nothing less.

Now, if you wish, I am more than happy to delete my post for you, thereby removing it from your thread.

Lise, from day one, I have only ever extended a warm welcome and encouraged you here, with genuineness.

May God Bless you and guide you with His love and peace.

As my heart is genuine and sincere.

Sincerely,

Leah


Edit:        The Thread Topic is ...........(in capital letters)  SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM



« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 06:17:25 PM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Gabben

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2007, 06:14:37 PM »
i want to say a prayer that two people who believe in God can work out issues with love and respect. We are ALL here to grow. We can help each other. If we can use kindness and humility ---we can all get to the end of the line and  our goal  ---to find -our voices   .                          Love  Ami

Kindness, humility and gut level honesty shrouded with care and compassion - that is what I want so that is what I will give.


Gabben

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2007, 06:18:48 PM »
Feeling sane is a matter of feeling in control.  The narcissist doesn't want us to be in control of our feelings or emotions.  He wants us off guard,  feeling chaos,  despair and need.  We end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal


This above is exactly how I feel from your response except the suicidal part.

I'm done I have spoken my truth.

If this is my stuff then, oh well -- I'm here not to get N supply but to heal.

Peace,
Lise
« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 06:29:13 PM by Gabben »

Leah

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2007, 06:30:01 PM »

Dear Lise,

The Thread Topic is ...........(in capital letters)  SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM

with an article posted ....

and an article posted to add to it ....

for Skills for Dealing with Narcissism.

Love & Peace to you,

Leah

Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Gabben

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2007, 06:53:09 PM »
Hi Leah,

I feel belittled by your responses.

Lise

Ami

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2007, 07:01:53 PM »
Please seek God ,Leah, as you did when we had our "problem". He will show you the way.. Hope I am not butting in.           Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2007, 07:14:10 PM »
Please seek God ,Leah, as you did when we had our "problem". He will show you the way.. Hope I am not butting in.           Ami


What?!  :shock:

Ami,

What are you doing? 

What are you saying?

It was you who sought God, as you say, and PM'd me to apologise

and then you deleted your post on my thread.

Ami, I still have the PM in my Inbox!

Leah

Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Gabben

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2007, 08:14:18 PM »
Dear Leah,

My anger is such a source of shame for me. It hurts so much and it is one thing that I want to let go of more than anything. My anger is a defense against deep hurt. Mostly though, I rarely act on it.

The last few months I have gotten a lot of anger out and I keep working on it. As well as there is not a day goes by that I don't pray and ask God for a forgiving heart and especially to forgive my family -- that is my primary goal in life.

I have to imagine that you have had to deal with your share of anger too. I read your story -- it was horrible what you went through...my heart went out to you.

Yes, I am Christian but I am more human than anything. I'm not out to fool anyone or pretend that I don't have anger...but that does not make me an abuser or an aggressor or even wrong.  There is no crime or sin in expressing frustration, there is no crime or sin in expressing angst and there is no crime or sin in feeling anger -- it is what we do with it. We all lash out at times, even the best of us.

If you have had a chance, read my post on Victim Anger....it has been very revealing to me.

For many years I just told myself that I had completely forgiven my Nmom, oh how wrong and in denial I was...Deep down I was full of hatred, shame and hurt. But not today....everyday that I face my pain is a day that I grow closer to loving me and really forgiving my Nmom -- from a far though.

I have tendency to tell the truth to people as I see it which can have a negative effect rather than a loving one -- gotta work on that one. As we say in AA - be patient with me, God's not finished yet :)

I don't want to fight and I am always here if you need support for your intense pain and hurt, if or when it comes up.

Love,
Lise

Ami

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2007, 09:06:49 PM »
My point is simply to say that every human being's role is to look at himself and to try to have his own behavior the best that he can.                         Love     Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Dismayed

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What's in a Game?
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2007, 10:15:59 PM »
IT'S  ALL  in  the  GAME


Relational Aggression

Relational Aggression, also known as covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying, is a psychological and emotional form of abuse, hiding behind a smokescreen of lies and manipulation. Relational aggression uses relationships to inflict injury upon another. It's characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.

It is mean and cruel.

Contrary to common misconception, relational aggression is not exclusive to females. It mirrors the manipulative political philosophy of 15th century Niccolo Machiavelli, who many herald as a political genius, and whose practice is still alive and well among many areas of our culture.

It is not a girl thing. But it is a problem in female relationships (and male, though they may be experienced somewhat differently).



Principle Players of Relational Aggression

Aggressors are those who use a relationship or relationships as a weapon, to bully, intimidate, control and/or punish a targeted person. The aggressor can be an acquaintance of the target or a dear friend. She can be a long-standing enemy or a new rival.

Targets are the ones who stand in the line of fire. They are often the aggressor’s peer, however, relational aggression can cross all socioeconomic and cultural lines, as well as race, age and sex. No one is afforded automatic immunity.

Collaborators are those who actively join the aggressor, to whatever degree. They can start out as active participants and co-instigators, or they can be, initially, bystanders who are drawn into the drama of relational aggression. They are the relationships through which the aggressor channels most of her negativity toward the target.

Silent Witnesses are bystanders who do not actively participate in any way, either to  support the aggression or to stop it. Usually, they feel powerless or fearful to help. Many wind up struggling with guilt for their inaction and may find it difficult to make peace within themselves long after the aggression has stopped.

Enablers are a unique group of bystander, who carry some kind of authority or status within their social network. They can make a difference by virtue of their standing, but don’t. For whatever reasons, they choose to look away or trivialize what little they’re willing to see. This behavior often serves to legitimize the relational aggression, and so in this sense, enablers are not only bystanders but indirect collaborators.



Basic Anatomy

The Drawn Back Bow: Something is said or shared with a third party - a rumor, an assertion, an accusation, a biting remark. It is the springboard from which the damage is done, the precipitating event that becomes the excuse or reason. It can be true or untrue. What matters is the purpose for which it is used.

The Arrow: It affects others - how they look at you and treat you. It's what aggressors hurt you with. Not the information or rumor, itself, as much as the affect it has on other people and their subsequent relationship with you.

The Wound: It affects you - the pain you feel, how you feel about others and how you feel about yourself, as a result of other people's treatment of you. The wound can be little or big. It can be brushed off or eventually healed. For some, it can last a lifetime.

That's why, when someone tells you it doesn't matter what someone else thinks and admonishes you to rise above it, they miss the point, because it's not about someone's opinion or words.

It's about relationships and other people's behavior, because of someone's opinion or words. Sometimes you can walk away. Many times you can't.

This is what relational aggression is all about - inflicting damage through other people.

The rumors and accusations are just a means to that end. Whether childish or serious,  true or false or somewhere in between, rumors and accusations are designed to elicit an emotional response from others, with the intention to incite them to hurt you, in some way.

Relational aggression, also, involves more physical abuse, such as "accidental body slams", taunting, teasing, censuring, alienating, and other means to cause the suffering of another person.

The key trait is that whatever methods are used, it is done in concert with and through others.


Relational aggression affects and hurts everyone - aggressor, target, collaborator and witness, alike.

But bear in mind, relational aggression isn't so much about a specific person, a "bitch" we love to hate, as much as a state of mind; a set of choices we all can make. The roles described above are fluid. It's so easy to go from target to aggressor or silent witness to collaborator in just one breath of a choice.

So be mindful of your choices and make them wisely.


Source: http://www.relationalaggression.net/



finding peace

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Re: SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2007, 11:30:00 PM »
Quote
Silent Witnesses are bystanders who do not actively participate in any way, either to  support the aggression or to stop it. Usually, they feel powerless or fearful to help. Many wind up struggling with guilt for their inaction and may find it difficult to make peace within themselves long after the aggression has stopped.
Quote

Amen to that and I am sorry Leah. on edit:  I am sorry Lighter - meant to extend my apologies for being a silent witness to you as well. 

Guess I am not such a silent witness after all.

I do not like the dynamics I am suspecting on the board lately (may be my trigger), but I don't like it one bit.  I am taking a break from the board. 

((((((((Love to you all))))))))))
Peace
« Last Edit: December 07, 2007, 12:39:05 AM by finding peace »
- Life is a journey not a destination