What Do You Do WHen Your Heart is Going to Break?

[Ami]

If I post this, I say UP FRONT--I only want support.
 I just have to write b/c I need to. I hope that people can resonate with me, but if they can't I still need to express myself. Since ,this is a board about voicelessness and THIS is my voice,I am  within my rights.
 Here goes(no judgment ,please)I AM a married woman and I fell in love( whatever that it -lol -- as Prince Charles said .)
  Anyway, I have never had this type of experience before--ever. Why was it so strong? I don't know .Maybe b/c I am so weak. It could be that I am so needy.
  The pain of it sits like a weight on my chest. I need to journal about it.Last time ,I journaled, I went back to the time that I was a kid and I was so alone ,especially when I was sick. I was neglected when I was hurting and I still am that child inside. I carry it always.
  It probably is always a weight on my chest.I just don't feel it b/c I am used to it.I am used to carrying all this pain around with me --everywhere-all the time..
I MUST have done great healing on the board b/c yesterday ,I ate a whole meal.. When I came on the board,I could hardly eat.All my pain was a lump in my stomach.I carried my M there---right in my gut..Now, after many" moaning" posts, she is gone(from my stomach,anyway).
  I believe  that healing is simply uncovering lies. It is what I believe and  I  have to trust it. The Bible promises freedom when you face the truth. Freedom is just another way of saying "healing"(IMO).
  Anyway,I want to say so much more and maybe  I will later or maybe I will think better of the whole thing and just erase it.                          Ami
 

[Ami]

I think that  this was so powerful b/c it was the FIRST time I ever showed who I really was to a male. I never showed my soft underbelly before and I never showed my "shame". It is very powerful to be 'seen"and very healing.
  Gosh--it is so hard to write this. This one I may erase.
  I think that my core issue is shame. I run from it ,but you can only run so far. This time, I  picked it up and shared it and an amazing healing happened.
 It is happening .
 

[changing]

Hi Ami-

I hope that what I say is supportive. It is certainly meant to be supportive of your highest good, health and happiness. If my post does fit within your parameters of the meaning of "supportive", please let me know and I will discontinue posting any further. I will, however, ignore the judgement of anyone else in that regard.

From reading your posts, it seems that you have been shut down for a long time, forbidden by a controlling N Mother to enjoy and fulfill yourself. You have worked hard to be a good mother and wife in your own life, all the while suffering and denying yourself even the basic pleasures of peace, health, and food.

Now it seems that you are finally beginning to take steps to nurture yourself as God's temple. This is new after so many years of denying yourself. I do not know enough about what exactly "falling in love" is about- it could be so many things. When one is freed from bondage, it is natural for emotions to well up and seem overwhelming. I do not know if this is what you mean.

Sometimes new vitality and freedom can invest everything associated with it with a giddy and sensuous joy. I have experienced this myself. Sometimes everything associated with an old way of life becomes imbued with pain and displeasure, and this can be normal as well. Making decisions based upon unbridled emotion may not be the wisest path, if that is what you are asking, especially in the giddy phases.

I am glad that you are eating well and nurturing your soul, and feeling love,peace and happiness. Whatever seems to be happening, I am praying that you receive guidance and continue to value yourself and use your wisdom and sense of right to make even more progress.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

I LOVE YOU, Changing. Nothing you could do would ever hurt.It would be done in love and kindness. Thank you so much for responding b/c I feel  vulnerable( as you knew) and  your post was very  healing. You 'got" my point.  Love  Ami

((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

Ami,

I think that God is giving you a gift of a broken heart wrapped in the guise of love. God wants to heal you and He knows you better than you know yourself. There is so much love and lesson in this experience.

Rarely is there much one can say when we are nursing broken hearts except to have compassion and let you know I care...I really do.

It hurts and you are OK.

Once before I told you that pain is when the past and the future squeeze out the present.

I hope that you hash and rehash and vent, using your precious voice here, for as long as you need to -- I am all ears.


(((((((((((((((AMI)))))))))))))))))

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

You are right. These tears are making me   "real" .            Love you Lise

(((((((((((Lise)

[Gabben]

(((((((((((Lise)

Hey, your heart is broken ....not your arm

Love you too.

((((((((((((((((((((((((AMI))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[changing]

Hi Ami-

I am glad that you understood the intention behind my post. You have been very good to me and I don't want to be phony or not speak my heart to you. In your previous post you mention a "male". When you married, you had not come to the mature and free emotional place that you are in now. You have undergone great transformations and this can be disorienting at best. Those who thought that they "knew " you may not be able to fully understand what you have fought so hard to reveal to them and yourself, or may not see it because of old patterns. Also your relationship with your husband has assumed a routine aspect that may not stir up endorphins quite like they used to, or you may have reawakened your primal feelings for one another.

Feeling a new bond with a man (your husband or someone else) may make one question past assumptions. Also, the new bond and associated feelings of being urgently wanted etc. can be extremely heady and intoxicating. It can be enjoyable to be intoxicated, but may not be the best place to come from in terms of evaluating a situation, or in terms of making decisions.

Falling in love can also be a proxy for acting out  what one may have repressed- now one "can't help it- it just happened", and may serve as a method of revenge, control, a distraction, as a way of getting something one thought was wrongfully denied (like shoplifting), a way of abrogating one's own desires onto a "savior", or one can simply be swept up by strong feelings that one is unused to and cannot immediately handle efficiently or identify.

There are so many kinds of love. There are so many ways to share a bond and good feelings, and not every way is appropriate and healthy for any two people . It need not result in heartbreak- you can care and do whatever might be for the highest good of both people (again, only you know what that is)- this will ultimately yield the best outcome. That is the key- what is the highest good? Whatever the particulars, this can guide you and give you peace and continued joy.

Just do what you know is right Ami. I know that you are capable and you are God's servant. Whatever is troubling you, this too will pass.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

YOU are so  SMART------Changing.
God gave you so many gifts.
 I know that He must think that you are as precious as I do.                      Love   Ami

((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Sorry that I left you with half a hug Lise

((((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))))))))---Whole hug(LOL)

[Gabben]

Falling in love can also be a proxy for acting out what one may have repressed- now one "can't help it- it just happened"

What Changing said above..is important to reflect on, if possible. I know that on many levels you already get this but when we are in pain our thoughts and emotions do all kinds of things.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Changing and Lise,
   JUST having you here has eased my heart so much that I can't express it.I am so grateful to you and will never forget your kindness to me.Of ALL the pains that I have had on the board, this one feels like the it hurts the most..                 Love to you    Ami

((((((((((((Changing,Lise)))))))))))

[Gabben]

Dear Changing and Lise,
   JUST having you here has eased my heart so much that I can't express it.I am so grateful to you and will never forget your kindness to me.Of ALL the pains that I have had on the board, this one feels like the it hurts the most..                 Love to you    Ami

((((((((((((Changing,Lise)))))))))))

Ami -- You are in my warmest thoughts.

Respectfully,
Lise

[Overcomer]

Am-just as I was composing a story to make you think about what you are doing I was interrupted by a call from my H dad telling me my H mom had passed away suddenly.  My H is out of town.  Now he is drinking and his dad is.  I called his dad and he was obviously drowning his sorrow.  We are going to book a flight as soon as he gets home.

[Ami]

I am sorry,Kelly. Thank you for your friendship and kindness. May God give you peace and safety on your trip.   My Love to You , Ami


((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))