Do parents naturally resent their children due to unmet expectations?

[ann3]

Do you think that all parents feel some sort of resentment towards their children ,even if they love their children?  I don't have kids, so I can't say.  If the child disappionted the parents because the child didn't live up to the parent's expectation, does the parent feel resentlful of the child even if the parents loved the child?

Perhaps a parent's resentment towards a child shows there's no such thing as unconditional love, like the parent's resentment of the child for not meeting expectations shows that their love was conditional.

I apologize to those of you with children as I can see this might be a triggering question.   For me, I am weeping as I typed it out.  Sorry to trigger anyone, I just really want to know.

[Lupita]

My parents never loved me, so I dont know. But I know that if my son does not do what I wanted him to do, is nothing but my fault, not his. Also, it is to my happyness to discover if he is developing a personality of his own and not becoming what i wanted him to be. So, not in my case. I do not resent anything. I regret all the things I did not do for him. I know I could have done more for him and I did not. I have a tousand of excuses, I was alone, I had no support, I was juggling three jobs, it was difficult, still, they are just excuses.

[Hermes]

Hello Ann:

I honestly do not think that ALL parents feel resentment towards their children, though perhaps some do.
I do not have children myself either. 

I can only go by what I experienced from my own parents, and from what I see in other parents who have children, as in adult or nearly adult children.  I certainly have not heard any parent express resentment towards a child.  I suppose it depends on what is meant by "expectations.
Most parents would say that provided the child is healthy and happy, it does not matter so much.  A father who is, for example a government minister might like the idea that a son would follow one day in his footsteps (this is just an example).  On the other hand the son might instead decide to be a car mechanic, or a pop singer, or even a drifter going around the world with a back pack.  I do not think a parent would love a child less for that.  On the other hand dysfunctional parents simply cannot see their children as "people" but as objects or at best some kind of performing animal.  It is a sad fact.

All the best
Hermes

[Lupita]

HI Hermes how are you. I have not seen you much lately. Miss you.

[Hermes]

Hello Lupita !!

Was thinking of you just now, because of salsa LOL.  It is a dark evening here so I put on a salsa CD, and (don't know if you have ever tried this) I salsaed up the stairs one step at a time.  Good exercise LOL (great CD, Grupo Sierra Maestra).  Playing it this minute...

How is your week-end going?

All the best
Hermes

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Ann)))))))) that's a very brave question, I think.

I have four children, 2 grown and 2 still at home. At times their behavior has greatly disappointed me. At other times, the behavior of those on whom they had placed so much hope has disappointed me even more (including myself).
I don't believe that there's any way to live intimately with each other for so many years without offering up repeated opportunities for offense to each other. The question is... will we pick up those offenses? I have, and I know that my children have, from me, because we've discussed it... and yet, none of us has chosen to nurture those offenses and allow them to grow roots of resentment. We're not hooked into each other's identity in a controlling way which doesn't allow for independence... we are not objects, to each other.

My feeling is that as a parent, if my expectations for my children are focused on their happiness and fulfillment, there's only room to be disappointed for them, when they're hurt and disappointed, not with them.


My mother, on the other hand, treated me as an accessory to her identity, never once asking me what I wanted to do or which interests I might like to pursue. In her eyes, I was clay to be molded... not a gem to be revealed. Rejection of that control is what breeds resentment.

Love to you,
Carolyn

P.S.  Thank you so much for inviting me on the other thread to talk about those envelopes. You have me wondering about how I really feel about them... and so I need to ponder on that some more. (((((((Annie)))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Do you think that all parents feel some sort of resentment towards their children ,even if they love their children?  I don't have kids, so I can't say.  If the child disappionted the parents because the child didn't live up to the parent's expectation, does the parent feel resentlful of the child even if the parents loved the child?

No, I don't believe that all parents feel resentment towards their children.  And I actually don't believe that if they do feel resentment that they can truly love their children.  I believe that resentment and love are mutually exclusive.

I also don't believe that true love from a parent has room for expectations.  I know that my N parents had expectations but they sabotaged them.  It was a wretched way to live.  As a mother I am constantly vigilant for the existance of expectations.  There are definitely achievements that I would like for my child but I don't think this is an expression of love. 

My goal as a mother is to help him discover his God given talents and his true desires and interests and help him work towards these while helping him developing good character. 

My expectations may not be in his best interest.