I HAVE to love myself---first

[Ami]

Finally, after all this "mess"---practically destroying myself over having an NPD M,I see that I HAVE to love myself --FIRST. It is simply the natural order of things like parents SHOULD take care of kids and not vice--versa.
 There ARE natural orders of things.They just get awfully screwed up with an NPD M.
You go in to 'Alice's Wonderland" and you are damned lucky if you EVER get out.
Dr G gave me a way to get out.I can never repay him if I had a hundred lifetimes.
So, maybe I AM  OK after all. It has just been a HORRIBLE ride. I almost didn't make it. Divine intervention stepped in many times---many ,many times.
 I have had so many supernatural experiences that they are commonplace to me, now. I should NOT worry.I should be at peace.Maybe,it is around the corner. I hope so.
  Thanks for listening.                                Ami

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

Just this morning I was thinking the same thing! Slowly and slowly I get there with every deeper layer that is getting pulled back and every tear that sheds.

Tonight I was reflecting the things in my life in which I have to be grateful for...I was astonished at how much there is!

A friend of mine, a long time ago, told me that making gratitude lists is a shortcut to loving ourselves. It seems odd but when  I ponder all that I have in life and all that God does for me I get a flooding sense warmth and calm which helps me ground out.

There is one thing that I always say to myself and that is God did not bring me this far to leave me hanging

Love,
Lise

[Gabben]

I should NOT worry.I should be at peace.Maybe,it is around the corner. I hope so.
 

Sometimes I am astonished at how on the same page we are

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  TALK about" astonished" about being on the same page.
  I feel a "true" gratitude inside .I KNOW that God kept me safe and kept me whole so I could come to Him. Now, I need to be His child in a way that reflects on Him.He does not WANT us to hate ourselves. He IS love so hatred has no part in Him
 I  think how much it hurts me when my son's don't like themselves. It does not make me "happy" at all. God wants us to love ourselves b/c He values us so much.
  I AM getting THAT  in to my heart and replacing my M's messages. I see that she could not do any better. That is freeing me from her..She is under the water--drowning. She wants to pull me under so she does not have to face herself(drown)
 I think that I may have come to the forgiveness level.It was simply a result of uncovering lie after lie.You cannot PUSH it(IMO)
  It comes very naturally  and unforced. Then,I think that you know it is real.
  I think the key to healing is "moaning "posts.I know they are hard for people to listen to ,but there is s/thing about honest self expression-over and over until the root is dug out. That is my opinion.I feel much better, so for me,it works. I think that the Bible simply says ,"You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free." I think that is simply the answer to any pain.    Love  Ami

((((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Loving myself --first is my next goal. I have to overcome the NM messages that said it was "forbidden". To HER,it was forbidden b/c she could not face true depth and feelings--all of the things that MAKE us human.
  She could not face good or bad. I became numb so as  not to offend her. Now, my next stage is to reclaim all of my' humanness"  and to love myself  with it ALL .            Love   Ami
           

[Ami]

In many ways,I DON"T like my voice .. It is "louder" than I believe it to be. . It is certainly filled with more pain and fear .
 Right now,it is a transitional voice.
 It IS who I  am now. It is not "fake " nice,like it used to be. When I was "fake" nice,I had more friends. Why not? I didn't make waves.  .However, people are coming back,like my F . 
  I really would lose everyone in order to find my voice.It IS that important to me.I could live with just God and the true me.
  My true voice will give me   a feeling of home.  I will know when I find it.I have been there before and get there sometimes , even now. It is being filled with God's love so there is no fear--of people or of your own shame.
I think that so much of my problem is NOT people ,but the dance with my OWN shame--trying to out run it.
 The answer  is in  making friends with it, shaking it's hand, telling it that it really is just a "silly old   thing" .
  The answer   is in embracing my  own shame and seeing that it really doesn't amount to much--at all                   Ami
 

[Gabben]

  I really would lose everyone in order to find my voice. It IS that important to me.

Exactly - me too.

I think that so much of my problem is NOT people ,but the dance with my OWN shame--trying to out run it.

This is good stuff. Being free - free from what others think, their opinions of me.

"When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose." -- Bob Dylan

I think that I will find my true voice when I lose myself.

Lise (((AMI))) I love you.

[seasons]

((Ami))

Your post really touched me deep down. I also felt/feel it was safer not to use my voice, I also would loose everyone. Actually I know more now I would loose the ones that were never there anyway. kwim?

This area is very big for me, scary and exciting all at the same time. To not care enough about rocking the boat to caring so much more about me, my value, my little voice.

much love, seasons

[Ami]

Thank you Lise and Seasons,
  I think that I am getting to a DEEP layer.Whatever my outside circumstances my true "foe" is shame.. Today, I had a rejection from s/one. Rejection is just part of life. We all have been on both sides of it and will continue to be. It just happens.
 Actually,it was very freeing for me, surprisingly. I read an article that IF you are afraid of s/thing, you should put yourself in the path of it repeatedly until you are not afraid anymore.
  At first,I felt horrible. Then,I thought, this is just part of life.I have been hiding from life for too long. I was afraid of "ghosts'. Rejection only hurts to the degree that I shame myself. IF I see it as simply "people moving on". I will be fine .I AM fine, actually.
  I really and truly think that I should get in line for more rejection(LOL) b/c it is a big bogeyman.It really is. The ONLY time that it destroys you is if YOU shame yourself with it.(as I said)
  If you just say,"Hey,people move on",then,you are OK.
 What is happening to me is that I am learning junior high lessons at an older age. In junior high, you make up and break up. You screw up and learn. You CAN  be immature b/c you are at the "right" age. I am at too old of an age to be 'immature'. HOWEVER, I am immature.(emotionally) It iS that simple. I AM learning junior high lessons ,now. It is true.
  Maybe,I was too immature for my friend. I can live with that simply b/c I must find my voice--no matter who I lose or gain.I simply cannot go back to 'Miss Nice".
   I am so tired from this that I wonder IF I am getting better or worse. I am sure that you know THAT feeling. You are simply exhausted from all these emotions.
  Inside me, I have a little feeling that I actually AM getting better. I hope so. Lord,I hope so     Ami

[Gabben]

  Inside me, I have a little feeling that I actually AM getting better. I hope so. Lord,I hope so     Ami

Perhaps that little feeling inside is your inner girl who is loving you back because she is saying thanks for "hearing me" "thanks for trying to not squish me" -- "thanks for giving me a chance."

Inner child Ami feels hope!

I know you ARE getting better, I can see and hear it!

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Lise(or anyone)
 Do you know that feeling of NOT knowing IF you are losing it OR coming together? You are simply exhausted and wrung out.Maybe ,it is OLD walls crumbling ,but you really wonder IF you are "on the edge" of "losing it".                     Ami

[Gabben]

Lise(or anyone)
 Do you know that feeling of NOT knowing IF you are losing it OR coming together? You are simply exhausted and wrung out.Maybe ,it is OLD walls crumbling ,but you really wonder IF you are "on the edge" of "losing it".                     Ami

Last night I felt that way - I think it is because we are giving up so much in persuit of change and growth; transformation will cause one to feel as though they ARE losing it because in essence you ARE losing it -- meaning  you are giving up ideas that have comforted you and kept you safe, now you are pushing the edge which causes you to perhaps feel as though you are going over it...Does that make sense?

Love you,
Lise

[Ami]

Lise
  You ARE an "angel"-- and always will be. It does make sense that the old structures are breaking down SO I AM losing the "old'. I am simply so tired that I feel like I have the flu.
  I think that I am getting to the deepest level(one of them) which is shame.It is the level that "'I am bad".
 The rejection today was actually JUST what I needed. I needed to see my worst fear(rejection) and see that it really didn't hurt ALL that much. It was a "lie" that it would kill me. It didn't kill me. It ,actually, freed me.Now, I have  got to go look for some more(LOL)
  I guess whenever you put yourself "out there" , you will be rejected b/c people won't  like you and you won't  like people.It is just life WHEN you are"real"
  IF you are "fake, then people will like you more b/c you are not a threat in most ways.
  THIS is the hardest layer I have ever tried to heal. However,it is the deepest, too,I think.     Love   Ami

[Gabben]

Lise
  You ARE an "angel"-- and always will be. It does make sense that the old structures are breaking down SO I AM losing the "old'. I am simply so tired that I feel like I have the flu.
  I think that I am getting to the deepest level(one of them) which is shame.It is the level that "'I am bad".
 The rejection today was actually JUST what I needed. I needed to see my worst fear(rejection) and see that it really didn't hurt ALL that much. It was a "lie" that it would kill me. It didn't kill me. It ,actually, freed me.Now, I have  got to go look for some more(LOL)
  I guess whenever you put yourself "out there" , you will be rejected b/c people won't  like you and you won't  like people.It is just life WHEN you are"real"
  IF you are "fake, then people will like you more b/c you are not a threat in most ways.
  THIS is the hardest layer I have ever tried to heal. However,it is the deepest, too,I think.     Love   Ami

Wow--- you are doing some really amazing work! That stuff, as painful as it is, is life changing and soul changing.

Rejection was and proably still is my greatest fear, I was abandoned as a baby and as a 3 year old until I was 5. That wound cost me $25k in Freudian psychotherapy - if I had only found this message board earlier! LOL - I could have saved some money!   

That layer IS going to be the most painful - that feeling that we are bad, that one burns, the shame, doesn't it?

If you get a chance lay down and take a cat nap, turn all your thoughts and feelings over to God and let him heal as you sleep.

Peace,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 I am simply going to say" that I have the 'flu" b/c I feel exactly like I do. However, down deep, I have this little ,little feeling that maybe I CAN love myself.It is a little tiny light that says", Maybe ,you really can let it (N messages) go and love yourself."
  I am seeing more humor in myself and others. I am a crazy nut .
  I hate this exhaustion.It has been a few weeks that I have felt wrung out. I used to have great energy.
  When I went to a party on Saturday  night, my friend  took me home b/.c I was too tired to stay. I was sitting  on a chair in the kitchen and when my H would introduce me to people ,I wouldn't EVEN get up. I shook their hand from the chair(LOL) It was one of those rolling chairs ,so I was rolling around(LOL).People were looking at me a little strangely  ,but I just ignored it(LOL)
Oh Lord, WHEN I get through this layer,I am going to celebrate. How "bout it, Lise?               Ami