Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Feeling Lost

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yuki:
Hi. I'm new here. I'm finding both that I have a lot that I want to say and also that I'm very insecure about saying it. I have a lot of fears about acting like a N myself so asking for anything or for anyone to pay attention to me is really scary. But I think I really need to talk and I really need to connect with some people. I don't have very good social skills I think... not much practice... but I'm trying to learn how to talk and listen.

I feel so lost right now. I spent the first 20 years of my life with a N mom and alcoholic dad. I've been away from them and in therapy for over 5 years now. I'm about as alone as a person can be. I'm agoraphobic and have social anxiety disorder so I don't go out much. I was in college but I had to drop out because I was having panic attacks about going to my classes. Other than my therapist I only have a few friends that I talk to very occasionally. They are not people that I could talk to about any of this stuff - all of them are in denial about their own childhood abuse.

I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I have to work very hard some days to keep from feeling hopeless. I'm insecure (as I already pointed out) and sensitive and I doubt and blame myself very easily. My self esteem is damaged very easily... repairing it is something else that I have to work very hard at sometimes.

I hate my life. And I want very badly to get better. Therapy has helped with some of my emotional issues, but I'm frustrated with where I am in life. My therapist tells me to be gentle with myself and wait and just feel my feelings, but I feel so trapped. Stuck. I want out and I feel that I am willing to work hard to get out, and yet everything seems impossible. I don't see that I have any options.

I'm really lacking a sense of direction and a sense of self. I'm trying to feel what my wants and needs are but it's really hard. It's like they're not even there. I don't feel that I exist as a person. I think that everyone just sees me as a thing to be used.

So... I don't know where I'm going with this. Am I doing something wrong in my life? Is there something that I should be doing to improve my life, but I just don't see it, or I'm not strong enough to do it? I get so scared sometimes that my life is this way because I secretly like it. But that doesn't even make any sense because I'm so unhappy. It feels like there's something that I just don't understand.

Sometimes I stand back and just can't believe that two emotionally messed up people could do this much damage to me. My parents are the type that... if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.

Thanks for reading.
Yuki

Anonymous:
Hi yuki,

We're glad you found this site, too.  The Internet is a beautiful thing for shy battered people yearning to have their voices heard.  Here we are, to listen to your story.  

Did you know that you don't have to do anything to be worthy of being on this earth?  Just the fact that you are here now, breathing, and being is all that is required.  

It sounds like you want to make some changes.  That's great!  That means you are ready to grow.  Change is possible if you break it down into reachable steps.  Just start where you are and look for progress however small.  Although we see roses blooming everywhere right now, there is growth happening that we can't even see.  So if you can't go out, maybe you can have a friend in.  Be flexible.  There are no rules.  

Your past is part of what makes you you.  You cannot change it or wish for a better one.   But you can look forward.  Your past is the eggshell you need to break out of.  It can be comforting or it can be restricting and isolated.  You're going to feel all yukky and messy at first, but then you'll find your legs.  I'm glad you are searching for support to help you get where you want to go.  You are on your way.

Peace, Seeker  PS I also felt the way you did about being a bit N in talking about myself.  But sharing your story helps others on the board and is not narcissistic at all.  It is necessary.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  S.

Jaded911:
Hi Yuki,

Welcome to the board.  I am glad that you realized that your voice does matter and that there are people in this world that welcomes the sound of it.  I thought this was a wonderful quote from I believe seeker, "Your past is part of what makes you you. You cannot change it or wish for a better one. But you can look forward. Your past is the eggshell you need to break out of. It can be comforting or it can be restricting and isolated. You're going to feel all yukky and messy at first, but then you'll find your legs. I'm glad you are searching for support to help you get where you want to go. You are on your way."  

Your past is part of what makes you but it is not something that we can change.  I decided early on that I would not allow my childhood or my past to slow me down as if it were a ball and chain wrapped tightly around my ankle.  We can not choose who we were brought into this world by but we can, with a little work, choose to rid those deamons from our being.  It takes time and it takes caring individuals to help you gain the wings to fly away from all of the pain.

You mentioned that you have several anxieties.  I can understand why you would feel that way giving your description of your upbringing.  Just please try and remember that nobody in this world is perfect.  You just have to fake it until you make it yuki.  The people in this world that you see or pass by each day, you might feel that they have no draggons from their past to slay, they have them just the same.  I personally do not know of one person who has a perfect life or a perfect family.  Everyone has struggles and it is what makes us wiser people.as a result of working through them.  What I regret for you is that your parents did not give you the foundation to build toward coping with lifes struggles that come your way.  It's not to late hun, you have total control over yourself right now.  Your destiny is in your own hands.  What better way to prove your parents wrong then to become all that YOU want to be all you have ever dreamed you could be.    

Are your parents going to be proud of you when you become who you have always dreamed to be???  Well, I highly doubt it.  They would love nothing better then for you to sink in the quicksand they placed you in.  But you know what dear, what a better way to shove it to them then to be a better person then they could have ever dreamed to be.  It is YOU  who you have to please, not them.  I actually think that you show tremendous strength in posting the feelings that you shared.  If you can share the darkest corners of your life with us, you are capable of becoming anything you damn well want to.  There will be some light that shines on those dark times.  I mentioned this in another post.  It is one of my all time favorite optimistic pick me ups when I am down.  If you never experienced sadness, how would you know how wonderful  and sweet happiness is.  

I happen to have alot of faith in your ability to overcome all that you have gone through.  I think you would be a very compassionate and caring person as a result of your childhood.  You know how it feels to be hurt by others and I have faith that you could move on to help others with their pains that they are feeling.

Keep writing and know that there are people that do care about you.  If you happen to find some along the way that use you or mistreat you in any way,  Pffft, kick um to the curb.  They are leaches and not worthy of your presence.  Be strong and dont allow others to bleed ya dry.  You deserve peace and I feel you are capable of having it.  

Hugs to you.  You are worthy of receiving them.  You may not feel that right now but in due time my dear someone will help you find the you that you have been searching for your entire life.

write:
this seems to be a common thing after knowing a narcissist- fearing that we are narcissistic ourselves. Many of us have even been called it by our n.

All people have some narcissistic traits, and not all narcissism is unhealthy.
What you are feeling is because of being invalidated by the messed-up people in your life, and the further you go on your healing journey the more you will be able to feel and be yourself comfortably.

if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.


I hear you.
People here will hear you.
And other people in your life will hear you.
Your fear and discomfort as you grow into yourself is normal Yuki, and your therapist is right that you should be so gentle with yourself, and learn to love yourself.

jaded:
Write,

Those were wonderful words you spoke to yuki.  You have a great way with words :wink:

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