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Feeling Lost

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Anonymous:
Hi Jaded you are spot on with this monitoring process you mentioned.

I sometimes even found it frustrating that others ( non N's ) are not paying enough 'attention' to me or 'not listening' to me, or understanding my thoughts and feelings and taking care. It is like, an N can give 'love' like no one else can.. what rubbish !

About the monitoring process. you are right again. I know how my Ndad monitored ( what he calls 'loved' ) me.
1. He prematurely retired from work so that he could 'give more attention to my needs' .
2. He doesnt go out much, never had any close friends and he is always at home 'so that he could look after me more'
3. He knows my friends more than me sometimes. He has their telephone numbers and even talks to them sometimes when I am not there because ' he is more of a friend to me rather than a controlling father'. He even talks and has befriended my friends and talks to them even after I have given up and are not too friendly with. Therefor there were even occasions where 'my friends' would come to my house on my fathers invite !
4. He doesn't like me sleeping in a separate room. He even gets anxious of me it seems, and it distirbs his sleeps cos he 'loves' m so deeply.. he even occasionally checks in the night that I am sleeping soundly etc
5. When I was working freelance, he even talks with my clients etc because 'he loves me so much and wouldnt want me to lose business cos I was busy " he was like a sleeping partner it seems !

And the irony, all his love for me vanished on the rare occasion when one of my cousin  ( who is very special to him ) visited us ! He shifted all his attention to her.. long story lolz

I will tell you now, he is completely sick !
It is not me who he loves, but his own self (a desparately lonely attention seeking child ) which he has almost succesfully imposed on me !

regs
Spirit

yuki:
I do worry about being narcissistic myself. Like Write said - I think it is common for us because Ns often project their own negative traits onto other people. My mom told me I was spoiled and manipulative. Several years later when I had some distance from her I looked back at that and could see clearly that I wasn't spoiled, I was neglected. And I wasn't manipulative, I was BEING manipulated. But I still stuggle with worries about acting narcissistic. It's not that I think I am narcissistic... it's that I don't know how to clearly see myself or how to evaluate my behaviors. It's like there's a big blank space in my mind where a realistic evaluation of myself is supposed to be. I can't tell if things that I do are good or bad or annoying or inappropriate... etc.

Like you said, Spirit, about the insecurities of seeking attention, posting too much, people judging you... that's it exactly! It's so hard to ask for support or seek attention because I feel like it's bad. I know better, but I still feel that way. I get scared of attracting the WRONG kind of attention too. Unfortunately I had bad school experiences when I was little. I learned that attracting any kind of attention made me a target. So I still feel very vulnerable about it. I protected myself for years by blending in and being as invisible as possible. I've ended up completely alone because of it. And now I need to be noticed to get the help and support that I need to heal. It feels very foreign still.

Seeker, thanks for your words of encouragement. :) I feel more optimistic now. I really heard what you said about the past being like an eggshell. That's really true for me. I am (for the most part) completely free of controlling, abusive people. At least I am physically. But mentally? All of the insults, double-binds, crazy rules, insecurity and dysfunctional ways are still there. That's what's holding me back still. I can see them all clearly for what they are now, and I don't agree with them. I don't want them. It's just taking a long time to change them and I'm very frustrated by that. I still live the same way as I did when I was being smothered and controlled by my N mom. I know it's all 'in my head' but on some level it's still very, very real to me. I'm working on it... changing is very difficult.

Jaded- thanks for making me feel so welcome. I like what you said about how someone can become what they want to despite the people who tried to hold them down. That's what I'm working toward. I'm still trying to get my head around what that means, but it's something that I'm looking at and trying to figure out everyday. You also said something about my parents not giving me the foundation to cope with life struggles. Yes, that's it exactly. I felt like I found myself out in the world with no experience, no self-esteem, no emotional support, no healthy coping devices and no basic know-how of how the world works and how to interact with people and what to do and how to make decisions. I've worked really hard on learning how to manage emotions and cope with things in healthy ways and building up my self esteem. I've really come far with those things. But the other important things I'm still trying to learn. My therapist says that, instead of being given the tools that I was supposed to get, I'm having to create them myself. She's compared it to trying to bake a cake with no bowl and no flour. That's certainly how it feels.

Hey Bunny, thanks for the book titles - I'm always looking for stuff to read. And thanks for reminding me that the process can't be rushed. I needed to hear that.

Thanks Michelle - wow, 7 weeks? Well... congratulations for getting started on your healing journey.

The way you described monitoring yourself all the time REALLY made sense to me Jaded. I spent a good chunk of my life being painfully aware of how I appeared to others. I had to keep a blank expression all of the time because any expression that I let show on my face invited attacks... both at home and at school. I was also painfully aware of how I talked and how I looked (I had a mild eating disorder for a while. I obsessed about how fat I looked all of the time). These things have gotten much better over the past few years. I remember the first time that someone actually noticed my facial expression. (my permanent poker face was starting to go away)

But, despite that, like you said I do still feel like I'm being watched and judged. I have major privacy issues. I am still scared of my N mom being able to find out things about me. I've even had thoughts like 'I want to cut my hair... but mom would see it eventually and she'd comment on it,' or 'I can't put that poster on my wall, what if someone saw it?' I have fears about getting in a car accident or something like that and my mom getting all of my things and reading my journals. Can you imagine that - I'm MORE worried about her reading my journals than I am about myself being in an accident!! I know better. I really do, logically, I know better. But the underlying feeling is still there.

I agree with what you said about the average Joe not caring about what you do. I had the same sort of realization a few years ago when I worked at a retail job and dealt with hundreds of customers every day. I was SO used to being under a magnifying glass all of the time. It seemed like, for my whole life I'd had to HIDE everything about myself, or else I was leaving myself open to attack. I felt like everyone was watching me all of the time, just waiting for me to drop my defenses and give them an opening to attack me. But then, at that job, seeing all of those people ever day, I realized that nobody is watching me, nobody is paying any more attention to me than they are to anything else. I'm not in the spotlight. I'm just another regular person and I can relax. I also observed a lot of people who were out shopping and didn't seem to care how they looked. I saw that people for the most part aren't scrutinizing everything about everyone. They're just going along with their own business!

I'm just thinking now about the irony of how Ns think they're in the spotlight and they WANT to be there, and yet they can also make us feel like we're in the spotlight and when that's the last place we want to be. Hmm. My mom used to talk about people watching our house. I'm still paranoid about that.

Thanks for all of the words of advice and for reading my long ramble. :) I'm looking forward to getting to know everybody better and to talking more about myself...! (<--not narcissistic!) ;)

Yuki

yuki:
Wow, Spirit, those are some SERIOUS boundary problems your dad has! I felt smothered and a little sick just reading about them! (I do actually feel a physical discomfort from boundary invasions now. It's good, it helps me spot them much easier!) I wonder if he is co-dependent/caretaking in addition to being N?

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