I have a huge problem with trying to love my mother or want good for her. I vacillate between disgust and indifference with her. But I am careful about letting myself get angry. I know it will not help me.
Oh Beth - can I relate! I vacillate too between disgust and indifference. It is really hard for me to deal with my mom because she plays the poor me no loves me routine -- this leaves me with heavy guilt for not being a good daughter, as she always tells me.
It was my anger issues that brought me to this board. Last Spring I broke out in a rash of resentments. It was so confusing to me because I used to rarely get them. I knew how to accept responsibility for my behavior and admit when I had been selfish with people and placed myself in a postion to be hurt. However, this time the resentments would not go away, like bad weeds I'd pull them and the next morning they were back again. I then read a book about repressed anger and it listed resentments as a symptom of repressed anger.
I had been telling my sponsor but she just kept telling me to inventory them out and pray for the people that I was angry at. It was not even making a dent. I had always had a T, so it just seemed normal to start develing deeper again into childhood with my T. 6 months later - hardly any dissociated resentments! Yippie!
I've worked through so much hurt and anger, tears and raw pain over the last few months -- rarely do people in AA address their emotional issues, but I found that if you want to continue to grow spiritually then you have to clean house emotionally because God is not of the nature of anger...or guilt, so I have to work to rid myself of this stuff in order to stay close to Him.
I have a question about sponsors. I have had two. The first was a wonderful woman - in the sense that she draws people into the program and tries to help many. But one on one, she was impatient with me. I had a lot of questions and she didn't really want to talk - just gave a blanket answer (pray, call me). I didn't do so well with that. I really wanted someone to help me understand. I chose another, who was a flaming N and literally dumped me, as I wasn't following her directions to the T. I know I should have tried again, but the group is small, and I didn't feel anyone else was well-grounded. Have you found, too, that many, even after a long time, don't yet seem to see the bigger picture of life? I function well within the group and outside of the group. I see AA also as a tool to help with dealing with life, not just a replacement for alcohol.
More to add, but need to get to work.
Love, Beth
Yes, Beth -- I have struggled with sponsors over the years too. Recall, that "no human power can relieve our alcoholism." In the end the sponsor is only there to take you through the steps and see you take someone else through, by then you should not really need them, but we do need support.
The big book was supposed to act as a sponsor, did you know that?
My sponsor is my firend and she calls ME for support now, funny huh..I tell myself if I just trust God he always points me in the right direction.
I have a spiritual adviser who understands the steps, he is a psychologist and is of my faith background. I meet with him once every two weeks and get really honest.
He is the one that wrote the Victim Anger stuff.
My suggestion is always to follow the book...I always tell my sponsees that there are many opinions and people will steer you in the wrong direction -- the "softer easier way", if you know what I mean. The book is grounded in fact and will always have an answer, and that is a promise!
Hope that you are well?
Lise