One year on.

[axa]

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to check in.  I have been very busy over the past weeks and have had little time to post or read.  This week will be my first anniversary of dumping XN and so much has happened in that time.  I would like to reflect on the year with you all and maybe give some encouragment to people on the board who have just left or are still involved with the Ns in their life.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think a year down the line I would have taken off half way round the world to India, moved house, gone back to school....... so many things.  It has been difficult and I still feel the fall out.  In that time I have gone to the depths of sadness and the highs of feeling alive - never once have I contemplated going back to the toxicity, and that is what I am most proud of.  I have done a lot of growing up...........still plenty to do but moving along one step at a time. 

I have learned many things, the main one being the importance of self care - still not great at it but it is what adults do.  I find I have periods when I am very good at it and then find it so easy to abandon myself.  My abandonment of myself mirrors my abandonment of me to Ns, the pattern of my life.  I have developed awareness around this and find it very hard not to know when I am doing it now. 

I still struggle with trust and feel like I do not trust anyone but am beginning to learn to trust myself and listen to the voice in me that knows what is good for me.  This has meant that I have withdrawn into safe mode, which can mean spending a lot of time alone, but it does feel safe.  CB has offered encourgement in reassuring me that a time will come when I will feel more able to engage with people in a more trusting way - when I do trust myself and I look forward to this time.   I am beginning to have faith in many of my abilities and a picture of myself, who I really am, is emerging from the mist.  I celebrate my shadow, which I have denied all my life.  I am hoping this will mean that I do not need to be around Ns to hold this part of me any longer. 

Thursday is my daughter's anniversary and I feel sad about her.  It brings up a lot about Xn's daughter also and my loss of her.  She has contacted me and wants us to be "friends" but I do not trust her and while I understand that she misses me do not feel safe enough to have clear boundaries around her.  I feel so much that I am travelling through time rather than being the centre of something.  I like this feeling, it reminds me of how big the universe is, how short our lives are and how powerful we are in our own lives.  I am questioning my narratiave and want to reshape it.  To do this means I leave my old story of victimhood behind me and move onto a strong place of survivor.  With every fibre of my being I never want to be a victim again.  My clarity around this surprises and delights me.  It is the strongest voice I have ever possessed. 

I miss the contact of the people I grew up with on this board and wanted to connect again with gratitude.

much love,

Axa

[changing]

Axa-

I will be thinking of you and your daughter on Thursday. ((((((((((Axa)))))))))) Thank you for sharing so much and please know that you are cared for and appreciated and admired for how you have made a new life.

Love,

Changing

[teartracks]

Dear Axa,

I too will be thinking of you Thursday.  I remember the beautiful and poignant post you made about her last year. 

Love,
tt

[axa]

Changing, TT,

Thank you both for your words of kindness.  Even though I don't get onto voiceless much any more I think of you guys so much.  Mostly when I am feeling happy in myself and do have a sense of being held by the support I experienced here in those dark days.  I checked recently when I joined here and it is nearly a year and a half.  I know that all of you helped me throw XN out of my life.  I never imagined I would do it, thought I would just stay and put up with it but this board helped me, especially through reading of others experiences, that I deserved better.  From knowing this I learned that I wanted better.  I was not willing to settle for half or quarter life.  I wanted a whole full life.  Mostly I am doing very well but have my moments and know that this board is available to me, whatever is going on and that feels like a real piece of gold in my life.

xxxxxx

axa

[lighter]

((Axa))  You've been a part of many lessons, for me, on this board.

I'm sending a prayer for continued evolution, clarity and serenity for you and us all.

[Hopalong]

Very dear Axa,
I am so moved to read this. Thank you so much for writing it.

I miss you and when I think of you, I always feel thrilled.

I remember where you began and where you are now, and the elastic intelligence of your perspective...I am full of admiration.

You are truly, seriously, an inspiring figure to me.

I am so glad you will be back from time to time. I have missed you.

And I hold you and your beautiful daughter in my heart always, together.

with love and confidence, complete confidence in you,
Hops

[axa]

Bean, Hops, Lighter,

Thanks............ feeling pretty ok and so grateful for all of your support over the past year and a half.  Lovely to see the "old" names.  There are so many new people seems like there are plenty of Ns out ther still causing plenty of pain.  It reinforces for me that they will always be with us and our work is to heal and care for ourselves so that we cease being their supply. 

Having written my post yesterday it prompted me to get back into self care mode..........this board still works for me.  I am not under such pressure from university at the moment and will hook up with you guys more regularily over the next few weeks.


Axa

[axa]

Hi Bean,

Just started in SEptember doing a Masters Phil. Being a student is wonderful, scary and challenging in lots of ways.  Had a real tough time writing my first paper, went back into four year old mode with all the accompaning voices "Who do you think you are........you can't do this........ well, I guess you know the script.  I had such a battle with these voices.  Worked through them and got my paper in on time.  I learned a lot from the process.  How easy it is to slip back into victim mode and loose my power but I did pull myself out and got the work done.  And of course I made the mistake I always told my kids not to do  I did not read the question properly but that is ok I learned from that too.

Thank you for asking.  How is life with you thse days.......... fill me in.

axa

[lighter]

Be glad to have you back more regularly, Axa: )

[cats paw]

Axa,

  I just wanted to take a moment to say how much I admire you, and I so enjoy your posts.

  You and your daughter are in my thoughts on this day.

cats paw

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  My heart goes out to you.I will say a prayer and think of you on Thursday.I am so sorry for your loss which I am sure is "constant".
  You have made a new life for yourself, in a very brave way.I admire that greatly.I really do.It took tremendous strength to uproot your old life and start "new".
 Other people can see our strength s/times more that we can. It was nice to hear from you. I am sending you peace and love                Ami



((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))