Our Voice

[Ami]

I am looking at how I can function as an individual within a social group. . I think that this is one of the big life lessons. How do you forge out your individuality ,but still give to others. My favorite quote expresses is ,If I am NOT for myself, who am I? If I am ONLY for myself WHAT am I?
  I talked to my Aunt yesterday.People who had good parents would never have to fight so hard for a voice. My Aunt so effortlessly "lives in her skin'. She goes from selfishness to giving love to expressing feelings to laughing at herself. It is a symphony that works with  ALL  the instruments playing .
  The depths that I have reached,she simply cannot understand. However,I have a depth of spirituality that she could not understand b/c she simply never needed it that much. In the end,I would take my path, especially  now  as I can see a faint glimpse of light(wholeness)ahead.
  Being whole means owning all your selfishness and every other "id" feeling and then simply trying to act from a more "evolved" place. I got derailed b/c I thought that I was "bad" for simply HAVING Id  feelings. That is what happened. My M wanted to destroy this primal level in me. She could not accept "humanness" as my Aunt can. My Aunt says, "Those feelings are just human, Ami , dear."
  The simplicity of this statement astounds me. I described how I hated myself so much that I couldn't even eat b/c of these deep feelings. She says. That is silly, dear."
 Well, it IS silly.It only makes sense in an N mother world where it WAS dangerous to nurture yourself. All the nurturance and self care HAD to go to the voracious N mother--like a Pac Man gobbling up your soul---not stopping .
 HOW do you get back  your life ,when you realize that it IS your life,after all?
I guess the old saying,"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
 My precious voice has many dimensions. I have discovered a few . I like some of them. Now, I am  using the part of it which is the  willingness  to stand alone. It never really happens b/c God always sends me unexpected blessings,but the lesson IS  the willingness.
The next one is integrity. I need to ACT with integrity---feelings notwithstanding.
 That is a lesson that I used to know,also.
Another one is my own power. I can give JUST SO much. Then,I simply must pull back. I can't give the last little bit b/c it is mine. My M stole it,but now I must pull it back .
New lessons seem to appear after you learn the last one. I should relax and trust the process. Thanks for listening        Ami
 

[Ami]

I think that the issue of "selfishness' is pivotal----how you handle selfishness. I notice that my Aunt CAN be selfish. She can make selfish choices--little and big. She can make choices which are nurturing to her --without feeling guilty(or overly so)
I learn so much from every ,single talk with her. It is like being under a clear, flowing stream where beautiful,life giving water is flowing. What it REALLY is --is normal,but "normal" was not a something I could have with an N mother.
 My Aunt will talk about her life and I will glean huge life lessons from simple concepts. She told me that both her D's were sick with  stomach viruses. She wanted to help but she could not endure getting it. It was that simple. She made a decision and went with it.
 It was an exercise in 'selfishness"--her ability to take care of herself.
One D is living with a man and not married( has a 2 yr.old child). My Aunt says that she would LIKE her to get married ,but WHAT can she do? My Aunt does not "torture' her D or throw guilt trips or say,'What will the neighbors think?"
My Aunt knows where SHE begins and ends---boundaries---I guess.
 I always had my Aunt to look at , as I was growing up. I, frankly, worshipped her. I always have--everything about her. She has always been "magical" to me. If I ever got to be  in her presence,I rejoiced inside for that privilege.
I saw HOW she raised her children--with gentleness,kindness and regard for them as people(not objects). I stored it away in my mind for the future. I stored so much away in my mind about my Aunt--her warmth, grace, dignity, humor, strength .
Now, she is my friend. It is an unexpected blessing. It came at just the right time. I found God through pain and now I have found her as a beacon OUT of the pain.                  Ami

[changing]

The Virtue of Selfishness can be an important concept. However, whatever advantage we have by virtue of luck, talent or position must not be used to hurt others who do not have the same advantage, be it a connection to a person in authority, possession of a badge or a gavel, etc in order to give us something that we want from that person- that is confusing the virtue of selfishness with evil. It is ultimately in our own best interest and therefore selfish and most beneficial to treat everyone fairly and rightly, but it is hard this to see when one is blinded by fear , vanity, pride, ignorance, etc.

Sometimes when I have to confront my own sense of entitlement and the damage that it does, or confront the same in others, it  truly horrifies me, and cannot be excused as being a result of The Virtue of Selfishness.

[Ami]

This topic of selfishness was really a topic of "self caring." Maybe the "word " selfishness was confusing and unclear. It was about being able to take care of yourself and your own needs.   Ami

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

Gentle word of wisdom, if you wish to receive it.

None of us here are sitting face to face in a room, instead, we are expressing our voice (our real life) with * words *

What I tend to do is choose my * words * carefully so that I express what I am actually saying - what it is I wish to share, of me.

No one, including me, would know that you meant * self caring * because you did not use those words.

Sincerely, I hope you receive these gentle words of wisdom in the vein of which they are * written * to you -- with genuine care, respect and consideration for you.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

I do ,Leah.