Author Topic: Feeling Lost  (Read 4856 times)

yuki

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Feeling Lost
« on: June 08, 2004, 11:47:30 PM »
Hi. I'm new here. I'm finding both that I have a lot that I want to say and also that I'm very insecure about saying it. I have a lot of fears about acting like a N myself so asking for anything or for anyone to pay attention to me is really scary. But I think I really need to talk and I really need to connect with some people. I don't have very good social skills I think... not much practice... but I'm trying to learn how to talk and listen.

I feel so lost right now. I spent the first 20 years of my life with a N mom and alcoholic dad. I've been away from them and in therapy for over 5 years now. I'm about as alone as a person can be. I'm agoraphobic and have social anxiety disorder so I don't go out much. I was in college but I had to drop out because I was having panic attacks about going to my classes. Other than my therapist I only have a few friends that I talk to very occasionally. They are not people that I could talk to about any of this stuff - all of them are in denial about their own childhood abuse.

I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I have to work very hard some days to keep from feeling hopeless. I'm insecure (as I already pointed out) and sensitive and I doubt and blame myself very easily. My self esteem is damaged very easily... repairing it is something else that I have to work very hard at sometimes.

I hate my life. And I want very badly to get better. Therapy has helped with some of my emotional issues, but I'm frustrated with where I am in life. My therapist tells me to be gentle with myself and wait and just feel my feelings, but I feel so trapped. Stuck. I want out and I feel that I am willing to work hard to get out, and yet everything seems impossible. I don't see that I have any options.

I'm really lacking a sense of direction and a sense of self. I'm trying to feel what my wants and needs are but it's really hard. It's like they're not even there. I don't feel that I exist as a person. I think that everyone just sees me as a thing to be used.

So... I don't know where I'm going with this. Am I doing something wrong in my life? Is there something that I should be doing to improve my life, but I just don't see it, or I'm not strong enough to do it? I get so scared sometimes that my life is this way because I secretly like it. But that doesn't even make any sense because I'm so unhappy. It feels like there's something that I just don't understand.

Sometimes I stand back and just can't believe that two emotionally messed up people could do this much damage to me. My parents are the type that... if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.

Thanks for reading.
Yuki

Anonymous

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2004, 01:23:02 AM »
Hi yuki,

We're glad you found this site, too.  The Internet is a beautiful thing for shy battered people yearning to have their voices heard.  Here we are, to listen to your story.  

Did you know that you don't have to do anything to be worthy of being on this earth?  Just the fact that you are here now, breathing, and being is all that is required.  

It sounds like you want to make some changes.  That's great!  That means you are ready to grow.  Change is possible if you break it down into reachable steps.  Just start where you are and look for progress however small.  Although we see roses blooming everywhere right now, there is growth happening that we can't even see.  So if you can't go out, maybe you can have a friend in.  Be flexible.  There are no rules.  

Your past is part of what makes you you.  You cannot change it or wish for a better one.   But you can look forward.  Your past is the eggshell you need to break out of.  It can be comforting or it can be restricting and isolated.  You're going to feel all yukky and messy at first, but then you'll find your legs.  I'm glad you are searching for support to help you get where you want to go.  You are on your way.

Peace, Seeker  PS I also felt the way you did about being a bit N in talking about myself.  But sharing your story helps others on the board and is not narcissistic at all.  It is necessary.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  S.

Jaded911

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2004, 09:31:12 AM »
Hi Yuki,

Welcome to the board.  I am glad that you realized that your voice does matter and that there are people in this world that welcomes the sound of it.  I thought this was a wonderful quote from I believe seeker, "Your past is part of what makes you you. You cannot change it or wish for a better one. But you can look forward. Your past is the eggshell you need to break out of. It can be comforting or it can be restricting and isolated. You're going to feel all yukky and messy at first, but then you'll find your legs. I'm glad you are searching for support to help you get where you want to go. You are on your way."  

Your past is part of what makes you but it is not something that we can change.  I decided early on that I would not allow my childhood or my past to slow me down as if it were a ball and chain wrapped tightly around my ankle.  We can not choose who we were brought into this world by but we can, with a little work, choose to rid those deamons from our being.  It takes time and it takes caring individuals to help you gain the wings to fly away from all of the pain.

You mentioned that you have several anxieties.  I can understand why you would feel that way giving your description of your upbringing.  Just please try and remember that nobody in this world is perfect.  You just have to fake it until you make it yuki.  The people in this world that you see or pass by each day, you might feel that they have no draggons from their past to slay, they have them just the same.  I personally do not know of one person who has a perfect life or a perfect family.  Everyone has struggles and it is what makes us wiser people.as a result of working through them.  What I regret for you is that your parents did not give you the foundation to build toward coping with lifes struggles that come your way.  It's not to late hun, you have total control over yourself right now.  Your destiny is in your own hands.  What better way to prove your parents wrong then to become all that YOU want to be all you have ever dreamed you could be.    

Are your parents going to be proud of you when you become who you have always dreamed to be???  Well, I highly doubt it.  They would love nothing better then for you to sink in the quicksand they placed you in.  But you know what dear, what a better way to shove it to them then to be a better person then they could have ever dreamed to be.  It is YOU  who you have to please, not them.  I actually think that you show tremendous strength in posting the feelings that you shared.  If you can share the darkest corners of your life with us, you are capable of becoming anything you damn well want to.  There will be some light that shines on those dark times.  I mentioned this in another post.  It is one of my all time favorite optimistic pick me ups when I am down.  If you never experienced sadness, how would you know how wonderful  and sweet happiness is.  

I happen to have alot of faith in your ability to overcome all that you have gone through.  I think you would be a very compassionate and caring person as a result of your childhood.  You know how it feels to be hurt by others and I have faith that you could move on to help others with their pains that they are feeling.

Keep writing and know that there are people that do care about you.  If you happen to find some along the way that use you or mistreat you in any way,  Pffft, kick um to the curb.  They are leaches and not worthy of your presence.  Be strong and dont allow others to bleed ya dry.  You deserve peace and I feel you are capable of having it.  

Hugs to you.  You are worthy of receiving them.  You may not feel that right now but in due time my dear someone will help you find the you that you have been searching for your entire life.
Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!

Jaded

write

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2004, 10:33:46 AM »
this seems to be a common thing after knowing a narcissist- fearing that we are narcissistic ourselves. Many of us have even been called it by our n.

All people have some narcissistic traits, and not all narcissism is unhealthy.
What you are feeling is because of being invalidated by the messed-up people in your life, and the further you go on your healing journey the more you will be able to feel and be yourself comfortably.

if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.


I hear you.
People here will hear you.
And other people in your life will hear you.
Your fear and discomfort as you grow into yourself is normal Yuki, and your therapist is right that you should be so gentle with yourself, and learn to love yourself.

jaded

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2004, 10:38:24 AM »
Write,

Those were wonderful words you spoke to yuki.  You have a great way with words :wink:

bunny

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2004, 02:40:05 PM »
Yuki,

Considering what happened earlier, it's going to take some time to rediscover your self / identity. It's a process and a journey and we can't rush a journey or we'll get a speeding ticket.  :wink: I do understand that you'd like to enjoy life and it's tedious to still be depressed.

Here are two books that helped me get to know my self:

"Writing Down The Bones" by Natalie Goldberg

"The New Diary" by Tristine Rainer

They're both available as used books on amazon.com (cheap!), and I'm sure they're also at the library.

bunny

Spirit

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Re: Feeling Lost
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2004, 08:57:36 PM »
Quote from: yuki
My parents are the type that... if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.

Thanks for reading.
Yuki


Hi Yuki,

I can very well relate to how you feel. It is the same with my parents. When my grades were going down my dad took me to the GP and had my entire body tested.. but my emotional welbeing? thats something I was expected to sacrifice for their sake.

I too had and still do have insecurities of seeking attention, and am even watchfull of not trying to post too many posts etc. Also like you said I got some personality issues that need sorting out too.

I think it is such a nice thing that this board is there, where shy people or people who feel a bit ( or very much ) insecure/uncertain/confused.. call it whatever you want can come out and say out and share our experiences without being criticised or being judged.

Ah.. I know.. I think that somehow people even here would judge me, and I would be lower tha nthe lowest here etc etc.. but I think there are people here who would even relate to that too :wink: So hey.. feel free to post.. I certainly am in the same boat !

Looking forward to hearing more from you

keeping the spirit :)

Michelle

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2004, 10:43:21 PM »
Hi Yuki -

Welcome to you - I am very proud of you for making this first step, unfortunately it is a hard and painful one.  We have all been through the first step - some of us are very close to where you are now.  Our stories are different, but surprisingly similar too.  I only started my healing about 7 weeks ago now, and I feel like I am finally seeing a little light in my darkness.  Hold on, Yuki.  It will get better for you.  It started getting better for me when I stopped wavering on my decisions regarding my n mother and sticking to what I really wanted and needed to do for myself and myself only.  We are all behind you here and support you.  We are here to listen and offer our support.  I hope you will start to see the light soon - don't give up.  

Lots of healing hugs,
Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

yuki

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2004, 03:37:20 AM »
You're all so great. :) :) :) You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to need a little time to process it all before I can reply to it.

I realized something. I've let my thoughts get very judgemental and critical of myself. I'm obsessing too much about my problems and how to fix them all. It just snowballs and gets worse and worse and overwhelms me. I actually went through this about 6 months ago too... I ended up teaching myself how to think differently and how to concentrate on taking small, healthy steps. I was so proud of myself for doing that and it was going really well for a few months. I've gradually slid back into the old habit (now that I look at it, I can see the things that happened to put me back into an old way of thinking). I need to go back through the process of changing my thinking again. I got out the journal that I was writing in the first time I did it so I can remember what I did. See, the conclusion that I came to last time is that this frantic, judgemental way of thinking isn't really even 'mine' - it's something I learned from my mom. It doesn't do me any good either, it just makes me panicky. I need to get rid of it before I can do anything else.

Thanks for making me feel so welcome. :)

Yuki

Jaded

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2004, 10:06:51 AM »
Yuki,

One thing that always helps me calm myself down when I am in the public eye is that I think to myself, nobody knows what is going on inside my head while I am panicking.  They can not sense it unless I show it so I think to myself I just need to stop, slow it down, process my thoughts, and don't appear outwardly like a deer in the headlights.  

For example:  I am a trauma flight nurse.  There are many times that we land at a site and complete panic and fear takes over me because there is so much information  for me to process in such a very short time.  Then throw on top of that the shock of what I see sometimes.  I know there have been times that the deer in the headlight look must have shown on my face, but ya know, I have seen that look on others faces too and I really just had to learn to not be so hard on myself.  I had to think that not everyone is focussed on me in this world.  Not that I am N, it is that we worry so much that everything we do or say is being monitored by someone because thats what our N did to us.  We get into those habits and it took me awhile to realize that most normal Joe Blows could care less what I say or what my tone is, how my expressions are.  

Its hell monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions 24 hours aday, 7 days a week.  Once I begin to think to myself and I begin to take control of my thought processes, I can feel my self regaining control.  Youre doing the right thing by learning your thoughts and behavioural patterns.  Only you can tell you how you truly feel.

People have a defense mechanism that is designed to protect them emotionally and physically.  It is called the "fight or flight mode."  Yuki, if you look up the mechanisms for the fight or flight mode, you will find some of the reasons why you are suffereing with panic attacks, overwhelming sensations, etc.  Growing up under the iron fists of a N makes little innocent children experience the fight or flight proccesses.  It is not healthy on your body to be in a constant F or F mode.  

This safety mechanism is designed to provide us with the ability to battle or get the heck out of dodge.  It can save you when a crisis develops or it can kill you because it is stress factor on your body.  Emotional crisis can trigger this and so can some diseases.  My daughter has a disease that puts her in this mode and im tellin ya it just tears the hell out of your body.

Yuki, your N is not monitoring your every move right now.  Its just you babe.  You can sit up until 3 in the morning eating twinkies if you want to, you can smile if you want to, and you can continue to find the you who is dying to come out.  When that you does come out, the N wont even recognize it because she doesnt even know who the real you is.  Shes never met you, she only knows the you she tried molding  you to be.  Go with your natural instincts and your thoughts, not what the N tried pounding into you.  If they new how to be great people in this society I could understand them trying to train or teach us.  I am thinking then that obviously they dont have that ability or they wouldnt be N then would they.  

You keep retraining yourself and you will reep the rewards.   :D

Anonymous

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2004, 09:07:53 PM »
Hi Jaded you are spot on with this monitoring process you mentioned.

I sometimes even found it frustrating that others ( non N's ) are not paying enough 'attention' to me or 'not listening' to me, or understanding my thoughts and feelings and taking care. It is like, an N can give 'love' like no one else can.. what rubbish !

About the monitoring process. you are right again. I know how my Ndad monitored ( what he calls 'loved' ) me.
1. He prematurely retired from work so that he could 'give more attention to my needs' .
2. He doesnt go out much, never had any close friends and he is always at home 'so that he could look after me more'
3. He knows my friends more than me sometimes. He has their telephone numbers and even talks to them sometimes when I am not there because ' he is more of a friend to me rather than a controlling father'. He even talks and has befriended my friends and talks to them even after I have given up and are not too friendly with. Therefor there were even occasions where 'my friends' would come to my house on my fathers invite !
4. He doesn't like me sleeping in a separate room. He even gets anxious of me it seems, and it distirbs his sleeps cos he 'loves' m so deeply.. he even occasionally checks in the night that I am sleeping soundly etc
5. When I was working freelance, he even talks with my clients etc because 'he loves me so much and wouldnt want me to lose business cos I was busy " he was like a sleeping partner it seems !

And the irony, all his love for me vanished on the rare occasion when one of my cousin  ( who is very special to him ) visited us ! He shifted all his attention to her.. long story lolz

I will tell you now, he is completely sick !
It is not me who he loves, but his own self (a desparately lonely attention seeking child ) which he has almost succesfully imposed on me !

regs
Spirit

yuki

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2004, 09:28:29 PM »
I do worry about being narcissistic myself. Like Write said - I think it is common for us because Ns often project their own negative traits onto other people. My mom told me I was spoiled and manipulative. Several years later when I had some distance from her I looked back at that and could see clearly that I wasn't spoiled, I was neglected. And I wasn't manipulative, I was BEING manipulated. But I still stuggle with worries about acting narcissistic. It's not that I think I am narcissistic... it's that I don't know how to clearly see myself or how to evaluate my behaviors. It's like there's a big blank space in my mind where a realistic evaluation of myself is supposed to be. I can't tell if things that I do are good or bad or annoying or inappropriate... etc.

Like you said, Spirit, about the insecurities of seeking attention, posting too much, people judging you... that's it exactly! It's so hard to ask for support or seek attention because I feel like it's bad. I know better, but I still feel that way. I get scared of attracting the WRONG kind of attention too. Unfortunately I had bad school experiences when I was little. I learned that attracting any kind of attention made me a target. So I still feel very vulnerable about it. I protected myself for years by blending in and being as invisible as possible. I've ended up completely alone because of it. And now I need to be noticed to get the help and support that I need to heal. It feels very foreign still.

Seeker, thanks for your words of encouragement. :) I feel more optimistic now. I really heard what you said about the past being like an eggshell. That's really true for me. I am (for the most part) completely free of controlling, abusive people. At least I am physically. But mentally? All of the insults, double-binds, crazy rules, insecurity and dysfunctional ways are still there. That's what's holding me back still. I can see them all clearly for what they are now, and I don't agree with them. I don't want them. It's just taking a long time to change them and I'm very frustrated by that. I still live the same way as I did when I was being smothered and controlled by my N mom. I know it's all 'in my head' but on some level it's still very, very real to me. I'm working on it... changing is very difficult.

Jaded- thanks for making me feel so welcome. I like what you said about how someone can become what they want to despite the people who tried to hold them down. That's what I'm working toward. I'm still trying to get my head around what that means, but it's something that I'm looking at and trying to figure out everyday. You also said something about my parents not giving me the foundation to cope with life struggles. Yes, that's it exactly. I felt like I found myself out in the world with no experience, no self-esteem, no emotional support, no healthy coping devices and no basic know-how of how the world works and how to interact with people and what to do and how to make decisions. I've worked really hard on learning how to manage emotions and cope with things in healthy ways and building up my self esteem. I've really come far with those things. But the other important things I'm still trying to learn. My therapist says that, instead of being given the tools that I was supposed to get, I'm having to create them myself. She's compared it to trying to bake a cake with no bowl and no flour. That's certainly how it feels.

Hey Bunny, thanks for the book titles - I'm always looking for stuff to read. And thanks for reminding me that the process can't be rushed. I needed to hear that.

Thanks Michelle - wow, 7 weeks? Well... congratulations for getting started on your healing journey.

The way you described monitoring yourself all the time REALLY made sense to me Jaded. I spent a good chunk of my life being painfully aware of how I appeared to others. I had to keep a blank expression all of the time because any expression that I let show on my face invited attacks... both at home and at school. I was also painfully aware of how I talked and how I looked (I had a mild eating disorder for a while. I obsessed about how fat I looked all of the time). These things have gotten much better over the past few years. I remember the first time that someone actually noticed my facial expression. (my permanent poker face was starting to go away)

But, despite that, like you said I do still feel like I'm being watched and judged. I have major privacy issues. I am still scared of my N mom being able to find out things about me. I've even had thoughts like 'I want to cut my hair... but mom would see it eventually and she'd comment on it,' or 'I can't put that poster on my wall, what if someone saw it?' I have fears about getting in a car accident or something like that and my mom getting all of my things and reading my journals. Can you imagine that - I'm MORE worried about her reading my journals than I am about myself being in an accident!! I know better. I really do, logically, I know better. But the underlying feeling is still there.

I agree with what you said about the average Joe not caring about what you do. I had the same sort of realization a few years ago when I worked at a retail job and dealt with hundreds of customers every day. I was SO used to being under a magnifying glass all of the time. It seemed like, for my whole life I'd had to HIDE everything about myself, or else I was leaving myself open to attack. I felt like everyone was watching me all of the time, just waiting for me to drop my defenses and give them an opening to attack me. But then, at that job, seeing all of those people ever day, I realized that nobody is watching me, nobody is paying any more attention to me than they are to anything else. I'm not in the spotlight. I'm just another regular person and I can relax. I also observed a lot of people who were out shopping and didn't seem to care how they looked. I saw that people for the most part aren't scrutinizing everything about everyone. They're just going along with their own business!

I'm just thinking now about the irony of how Ns think they're in the spotlight and they WANT to be there, and yet they can also make us feel like we're in the spotlight and when that's the last place we want to be. Hmm. My mom used to talk about people watching our house. I'm still paranoid about that.

Thanks for all of the words of advice and for reading my long ramble. :) I'm looking forward to getting to know everybody better and to talking more about myself...! (<--not narcissistic!) ;)

Yuki

yuki

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Feeling Lost
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2004, 09:35:00 PM »
Wow, Spirit, those are some SERIOUS boundary problems your dad has! I felt smothered and a little sick just reading about them! (I do actually feel a physical discomfort from boundary invasions now. It's good, it helps me spot them much easier!) I wonder if he is co-dependent/caretaking in addition to being N?