I haven't posted an update for a few days, so I thought I would, since there are several things that have happened that are worth mentioning.
I believe I had mentioned that I was considering visiting my mom because she might possibly have cancer. Since her doctor told her that, she has believed that she is going to fall over dead at any moment. Everyone will be glad to know that she doesn't have cancer, only some pre-cancerous cells and that her kidneys are working again. At least this is the story that I got third hand from my brother. I have not spoken with my mom. When he told me that she was going to be fine all I could think was, "Of course she's fine. I really didn't think she wouldn't be."
I've gotten my Christmas decorating all done, except for the lights in M's window. I still have those to do. I might try to do those tonight, although I've caught this stomach bug, so I don't feel too great. I definitely think the fish tank cleaning is going to wait.
I saw my T on Monday (I don't get to see her for a month). There were a couple of things that I walked out of my session with that made me feel great. One, she told me that even with all I'd lived through that I had a healthy outlook and was able to look at my situation objectivly. I was really surprised by that, since I never really considered myself healthy emotionally. She says my mom is very sick though.
We talked about my feelings regarding NC with my mom, and I told her how peaceful I felt. Her words were that I must feel like I've been let out of jail, and I do. She wanted to know how M felt about it, and I said that I didn't think M had had an emotional meltdown for over two months. Now he does make comments about grandma, just last night he had gotten these little juice bottles at the grocery to freeze and make slushies. He said, "Grandma would never let me do this when she bought them." I told him experimentation was good for the soul. I think he misses them, but I think he's so much better off. My T agreed.
My Tand I talked about relationships and how I felt about having a relationship. I admitted that I was very scared of being involved in a relationship. She wants me to get out there and test the waters, so to speak. I sort of did that. I joined a single parents group, and I went to a Christmas party over the weekend. It was a lot of fun. I'd planned on going to another event last night, but the weather was very nasty and M had a ton of homework. I have told my T (I changed T's about a month ago) that I'm gay yet. It's on my list of things to do, but it hasn't come up yet. So when she was talking about testing the waters with guys, I had something else in mind.
In my next session we're going to talk about the red flags so I can avoid getting into a controlling/narcissistic relationship like I had with my mother.
I feel good, except for this stomach bug. M seems to be doing well. I'm still trying to find out what's going on for Christmas though. No one will tell me.
