Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

age 17 and therefore unable to just...leave...

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Jaded:
October,

I just thought your post was awesome to Lissie about being careful.  Even God is not off limits to a N.  I think youre right on with this.  If a N can twist the minds of many about anything that could better them, even the word of god is not safe with a N.

Mindy

Anonymous:
Lissie,

Has your mother ever considered divorcing him? That seems the most effective way to escape from him and take care of her children. Could she not get a financial settlement from a divorce, allowing her to support you?

Please see this website about divorce in Australia:

http://www.familycourt.gov.au/guide/html/basics.html

bunny

Anonymous:
Dear Lissie Lou,

I too join the others in saying what a blessing that you have your eyes open and also, you have a mother who stuck up for you!  Many of us have had "bystanders" as parents as well as N abusers.  So, you've got many great things going for you.  We're glad you found the board too and we're ready to cheer you on.

Ditto about N+God.  

Also, don't think you can change your dad.  you can only find a way to accept the truth of what he's got and how he is.  That doesn't mean accepting his behavior, it just means accepting the unchangability of it and the reality of the nature of your relationship.  There is a new book out about dealing with the borderline parent (not that he's that, but I think it is helpful for dealing with any flavor of dysfunctional parents.)

At 17/18, I hope you will learn what you can so you can heal, so you can avoid hooking up with Ns as partners (we seem to marry our parents), and so you can find safe people for support and friendship.  You don't have to convince your friends your dad is awful.  You just have to protect yourself.  If they don't understand, just say I know it's hard to understand that someone can treat family members so differently from friends, but some people do.  Your relationship with my dad is going to be different from mine, as his daughter.  And leave it at that.  

Take it one step at a time.  Hugs to you, Seeker

yuki:
Hi Lissie,

I was in a somewhat similar situation to yours - being a teen, knowing something was really wrong with my family, but having no power or freedom to do anything. I finally moved out when I was 20 and started therapy soon after that.

It's great that you're looking into all of this now and finding out what you can about it. The sooner you start, the better. And just by trying to get more information about it you've already started your own healing process.

Do you have access to therapy through your school? I suggest seeing a therapist. If your family/community is against therapy (it's shameful, it's for crazy people, it's a waste of money, whatever) maybe try to look at it like this - in any situation in life it makes sense to get the advice of someone who is a professional in that field. You need legal advice, you see a lawyer. Medical advice, see a doctor. Here you're dealing with psychology - you're just consulting with someone who is a professional psychologist.

I know you've got an awful lot to think about already, but you might want to find out more about co-dependency. Basically co-dependency means certain unhealthy behaviors that a family develops when one of them has an addiction or mental illness. From what you said about your family I got the feeling of co-dependency, especially that your mother may be co-dependent to your father. It's actually healthier for everyone involved if even one person (you :)) stops going along with the co-dependency. The best thing you can do for your family is to get yourself healthier.

I think it's very brave for you to post here and it's great that you're trying to sort this all out. I just wanted to bring up one more point, and I know you've already got a lot to think about, but... I got the sense of you being all tangled up in your parents' problems. Of course that's going to happen to some extent when you're a minor and living with them. But I got the sense of it being more than that. Like you've somehow been taught to take on more of the burden and responsibility than is actually yours here. You don't have to take care of anyone else or fix things in your family. If that doesn't make sense now, that's ok, just keep it in the back of your mind.

Take care, I hope you will keep posting here and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Oh, and BTW the unreal feeling you mentioned in your life may be dissociation. It's a coping device that your psyche uses to protect you from being overwhelmed.

Yuki

lissie_lou:
Well what angels there are out there to support and give advice! For that I am truly and sincerely grateful!

Yeah counselling isn't a problem - there is a wonderful counsellor at our school whom I would be quite happy to go and see. The only thing is, I guess Mum was brought up to always appear as though everything is fine on the outer...that sort of 'saving face' and unfortunately I think I've picked up that trait too! I think I will have to let go of that and just realise that it's not always good to keep emotion into yourself.

And those who were concerned over my opinion of God and getting mixed up with images of my father - I'm pretty sure that my faith is secure and that He is seen in a very different light to my real father so yeah - it's what keeps me sane and hopeful through all this  :wink:

I truly am grateful for discovering all this and I'm sure I have a lot of reading to do in order to be sure of what I am dealing with at home. And yes, through all of this I have learnt to become stronger, to persevere, to be patient and just to love. Yeah, regardless of how bad my dad is, i don't hate him for one minute. And although I could certainly have chosen to do so, it makes me feel better knowing instead that I CHOSE instead to love him. He hasn't forced me too, it has been my choice. And so therefore that love is sort of comforting for me because I know now not to expect anything back - and that's ok. He can't help it...

Thank you once again for enlightening me a lot more and for giving me so many questions to think about! These last two days have truly been quite life changing! So I guess I'll just have to keep embracing the future!

God bless xoxo

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