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WTF??!!...

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Rojo:
Hi, Folks

After a long absence of getting on with my life and plunging back into college to persue my life's new direction, I find myself completely gutted today and back on this board...Hi y'all.  It's all sunshine and birdsongs outside so why am I sitting here inside, typing away at my computer feeling like total crap?

Several things have been going on since I last posted:

1.  I'm attending classes of an artistic nature which I absolutely love...I've finally found what I want to do with my life again.

2.  The more in love with what I'm studying I become, the more miserable I'm becoming...?  WTF?

3.  I thought I'd conquered my fear of large groups of people but I attended a class the other day involving advanced safety training(not college related) and found I could not join in with the group and just wanted to be by myself...which is okay in theory, except for when both lecturers, at different times, quietly came up to me and asked if I'd like to join my group.  Upon saying no thank you to both, I found myself welling up with tears....again, WTF?

4.  Then today, one of my dogs (who is a real handful but ever so loveable) took off running to hell and gone and refused to come back, despite my fretful calls for him to come back.  When I finally reached him, after running about half a mile, I found him back at our house - at which point I cracked.  I grabbed a stick and whacked his butt really hard...this was not necessary!!!  Who is this person?  Where the hell did this come from?  I'm just so depressed that I did that and incredibly sick to my stomach at myself.

I sat in the car while between errands afterwards and I tried to think where this is coming from.  What's happened over the last few weeks that's derailed me like this?  I've been SO happy and SO excited about my studies and my life in general.  My marriage is wonderful, I have a beautiful little home.  I have friendships blossoming with a few women.  I don't usually ever get along with women, or anyone for that matter to the point of my reciprocating friendship.  I usually keep things at arms length.  I've really battled with trying to give back to others and not feel like a complete weirdo under a microscope and second-guessing everything I've said and done after get-togethers.  So...there's progress on that front.

I can only think of a few things that may have something to do with this downturn that's been brewing for a few weeks now:

1.  My friend is going through a break up with her boyfriend and has enlisted our help, which may be reminding me of the mutiple and devastating breakups of my family while growing up, thanks to mother being a N and a clueless, self-absored idiot to boot.

2.  Perhaps I'm self-sabotaging because of the inner-voice my NMother programmed into me...I've lifted myself up so, in her absence, I need to beat MYSELF down?   :roll:

3.  I got a letter from the her the other day, which doesn't account for my downturn leading up to her letter's arrival but may have something to do with clobbering my poor dog.  Her letter contained the usual woe is me crud...nothing new on that front.

4.  Art was a huge connection with my now deceased Dad and was all I ever wanted to be involved in since time began.  I fell out of it as a career when I moved abroad, then couldn't get back into it after he was murdered, despite enormous personal effort.  My soul just couldn't handle it.  After almost 10 years, I'm persuing it again via a different medium.  Is this all coming from fear of confronting my true self...me the artist...me the artist's surviving daughter?

JEEZ I'm just so fed up with myself!  :x

Rojo

Rojo:
...just remembered something else...possible reason # 5:

N mom is doing some contract work in the country where most of my family lives.  Besides just showing up on their doorsteps after only a few days notice, she launches into a character assault on me in front of my dear siblings, only minutes from disembarking the plane.  Not only was I not there, I wasn't even in the country and I haven't seen her in years, she was going on about what a difficult baby I was and that I favored my father.  What???  What was she doing for 12 hours on the plane...ruminating in her contempt for me?  She was talking like that about an innocent infant over 30 years ago.  Then she sends her letter..."hi, how are you, now lets talk about me and my miserable self...".   :evil:   This attack on my character happened about 3 weeks ago so the timing is viable.  Maybe my anger at this is manifesting itself as described above?

Rojo

Rojo:
I've answered my own question...number 5 is it.  I've really got to take control over how her missiles damage me.  It's so hard.  Just when I thought I had a handle on it all, bam!...down comes the house of cards and I fall apart.  She wins again.  I'm beginning to truly understand that even when she's departs this world, I will still be hurt by her via that "negative introject".  The only thing that is possible to change is me.

After today, I've also admitted to myself that I suffer from an incredibly low self-esteem.  I suspected it but never fully 'fessed up to it.  Another thing to work on.  That's why I was all teary at that safety meeting.  Even a long-distance missile from her can unravel what little self-esteem I have and since this is the case, it really shows how little I've got to start with.  Humbling.

I took the dogs for another walk and thank God, no more runaways.  My dog is apparently completely unaffected by his smack today and has been jumping on me to play and give me slobber kisses but it's really devastated me and I'm just so ashamed of myself.  My dogs are my babies for Gods sake!  I'm not a smacker and yet I did as such.  That was the clue that took me to number 5...it's all ties in with her.  I used to get the hell beaten out of me for minor transgressions.  That and the fact that she never, EVER listened to me, no matter what my distress.  So, when my dog got off his leash and ran off, and didn't listen to my distressed calls to him to come back, there lay the trigger.

I sat with hubby this evening and went over all this with him and we've made an agreement that whenever there's contact from her, he and I will sit down and go over my feelings one by one right away.  Then, we'll go over the things I need to be mindful of in myself in the coming weeks.  Evidently it takes me about 3 weeks to get my goat up on anything, including her.

You know, I'm beginning to think I really hate this woman.  I also hate the fact that I love her at all.  How the hell does one reconcile that?

God bless,

Rojo

Anonymous:
Hiya Rojo,   :)

Incoming!...Sounds like you're having an "N relapse".  My H and I visited one of our Ns in the hospital recently.  Always a great place to see true colors come out  :roll: .  My H said it was like I caught a cold or something.  I kinda spun inward for a couple of days.  

It sounds like you have a great recovery plan with your H.  It would make me physically ill to hear that one of my parents was conducting a major character assassination campaign against me.  It sounds like your siblings have her number, or do they?  Why did they pass this news along to you?  Do they know/respect how you feel about NMom and that it makes you ill to hear this stuff?  In any case, good for you for being proactive about how to handle it next time.  

This stuff is poison and sometimes we can keep the rubber gloves on and dispose of it with care and other times it can just go splat all over us.  So don't beat up on yourself for getting sick.  (or your dog...when I read that part of your post I felt I would feel rejected by my own dog--the last straw.  perhaps that was part of it?)  

Is there something you can say (some watered down version of your situation) to your instructors so they and your group know you are not rejecting them, just that you are going through a difficult time at the moment and hope things improve before the course ends?  Can you ask them to be patient and that you will try to rally?  Saying a little something can really smooth things out v. holding it all in.  

Hope this helps a little, Rojo.  I'm finding art to be a wonderful outlet too.  One of my daughters is of an age where she is jumping into all kinds of crafts and hobbies (same as me at her age).  It's great to be able to play and discover.  Take care, Seeker

flower:
Hi Rojo,
------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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