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N's delusions make you underrate yourself?

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yuki:
Has anybody else found that years of witnessing a N's delusions of grandeur has made you underrate your own abilities?

For me... my N mom seems to have a new amazing talent every month that's going to make her famous or rich. She talks about it a lot and sometimes spends a lot of money on it - but nothing ever comes of it, and then she seems to forget all about it and she's on to the next one. I guess that's common N behavior.

I observed her through all of that... I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until I was in college, but I did know at a younger age that I didn't want to be like her. What I learned from her behavior was this;
-no person can accurately assess their own talents/abilities and that often made them appear foolish
-you shouldn't let anyone know that you're working on a creative project because then you'll look stupid when you don't finish it or it doesn't amount to anything
-and... what's the point? Other people won't take your talent seriously anyway, and you'll probably lose interest and not follow through. So why try?
I guess I did have some insight into narcissism then. :) I just didn't know that it wasn't "normal" and so I thought it applied to me too. It resulted in yet another way of being voiceless and unable to express myself. I'm still working on changing these ideas in my own mind. I have a lot of fear of OVERrating myself and other people seeing it. I feel like having any sort of dream that isn't 100% realistic (more than realistic - probable or even assured) is stupid. If you believe something would happen (like getting a job because you have the skills for it) and then it doesn't, that feels downright shameful.

Some of my N mom's delusions are really something. Sometimes she seems so removed from reality that I wonder if she has something else wrong with her besides NPD. She told me one time that she was going to Hollywood that weekend to buy a house so she could live there while they filmed her movie. (what movie?!) She purchased a notebook computer so that she could write her novel and then never used it. Another time she bought a whole lot of expensive art supplies and told me all about the paintings she was going to sell for thousands of dollars. She's not an artist. She didn't even think she needed art lessons first, she thought she could just paint. I don't think she ever even used any of the art stuff. There are many more... I try to just ignore her now.

So, what kinds of delusions do your Ns have? :)

flower:
Hi yuki,  

------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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Anonymous:
yuki,

From all you've written about your mother, it seems that she has serious psychiatric problems. NPD is a serious psychiatric problem in itself; she may also have a thought disorder (some kind of psychosis). Bottom line, she is not functioning normally. And you were exposed to some very distorted ideas and behavior. I'm really happy that you left their home and are working on taping over this stuff.

My mother doesn't have delusions but she needs "homage" all the time and it's very oppressive. Anyone who thinks differently from her is punished with massive disapproval, or even disowned for years.

bunny

Anonymous:
Yuki,

From the way you described your mother, it sounds to me that she is also suffering from Bi-Polar.  The manic phase of bipolar desplays just that.

yuki:
I thought those sorts of delusions were normal for Ns? She does seem to be more removed from reality than most Ns though.

You're right, Bunny, she really doesn't function normally at all. I wonder sometimes, if she'd been around people (besides me and my dad) and had responsibilities (like a job) if her problems would have become obvious. Like, someone would have noticed that she wasn't dealing with reality. I think my dad knows it on some level - he's just too dissociated to really notice and too co-dependent with her to do anything. And of course the only other person to see what was going on was me, and she had no problem fooling me into thinking it was all normal and ok - I was a child.

Can people be bi-polar without the extreme symptoms? Her sleeping patterns never changed, and she never seemed particularly manic. She was depressed sometimes, but her behavior didn't change very noticably. There weren't obvious outward signs. (BTW, she blamed her depression - and mine - on things like chemicals in the water and mold spores coming from the basement)

My therapist has told me that my childhood was extreme. I would like to believe that - it helps me feel better about why I have so many problems now, without blaming myself for them. But I also tend to "normalize" it sometimes and feel like it wasn't so bad (seems to be some sort of automatic coping device).

Yuki

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