Listening

[seasons]

     Listening
« on: Today at 09:54:00 AM »     

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LeahsRainbow
Hero Member

Posts: 1609

John 8:32 ... and the truth shall make you free


    Listening
« on: October 16, 2007, 05:55:57 PM » 
Listening

You are not listening to me if
you have the answer to my worries before I tell you what they are.

You are not listening to me if
you say you understand before I have told you enough to be able to understand.

You are not listening to me if
you finish my sentences for me.

You are not listening to me if
you interrupt me.

You are not listening to me if
you find me boring.

You are not listening to me if
you tell me about your worries and experiences, making mine seam trivial.

You are not listening to me if
you are talking or listening to someone else.

You are not listening to me if
you cannot wait to tell me something.

You are not listening to me if
you are concerned about my vocabulary, grammar, accent, speech impediment, quietness or loudness.


You are listening to me if
you give me enough space to discover for myself what is happening around or within me.

You are listening to me if
you do not take my worries from me but allow me to deal with them in my own way.

You are listening to me if
you curb your inclination to give me sound advice.

You are listening to me if
you allow me the dignity of making my own decisions, no matter how wrong you think they are.

You are listening to me if
you can hear my point of view even if it is contrary to your own sincere convictions and beliefs.

You are listening to me if
you genuinely try to understand me even when I am confused or confusing.

You are listening to me if
you care for me, not matter what I tell you.

You are listening to me if
you have come quietly into my secret world and let me be myself.

 







Thank you Leah for posting. This is my relationship with my oldest N sister in a nutshell.

I've been asking myself why I have kept her in my life even more after reading this.

What is my payoff?
She is the last one I have contact with on a daily or weekly basis. I see my other N two times a year, brothers one year or longer.
Having her is a connection to my past, our parents who I miss and loved/love dearly.
I have inner thoughts of needing her. lol
I take care of her needs, she has said no when I have asked for her support physically being there, always has an excuse of why she can't. I have only made this request in dire life emergencies evolving our mother.

I have found a bit of peace. She loves crosswords so I bought a book like hers and she loves to do them together on the phone.
A tool of protection for me, when needed. When she is having a full blown N madness I try and use this tool.

I miss my mother so much. I miss our female talks, laughs, love etc. My sister can't replace that, yet I feel she is my mothers daughter. Makes no sense.

This New Year I would like to disengage with her. Not cut her off to NC but more of a healthier balance for me. As I read this post of Listening I couldn't understand why I would choose to be in her life on a daily, weekly basis. Am I crazy for not changing this sooner? She is not capable of giving me any healthy relationship unless I PLAY, and I have been PLAYING her game. Which for her ALL is WELL. Am I afraid of abandonment? Being alone as far as the extended family goes, is it a big fear?
I guess I'm trying to find the root to this. I have let go of other N's why have I kept her?

                    Inputs, thoughts, familiar for you too?

In friendship seasons

   

[Leah]

Dear Seasons,

Oh, thank you for starting a thread on this subject, as it truly has had so much meaning with regard to my FOO and exNH.  A had friend emailed it to me with a different regard, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive it, as it validated so much on varying levels. 

Realizing that I had not been truly listened to, in respect of what I was saying and/or actually saying, made me feel upset, with feelings of being nothing, a dot in space.  Afterward, I mourned the wasted time spent in vain with them.

Understand what you say about hanging on, as I did too, and used to go back too (years ago) as I was desperate for some crumbs.  And yes, I would then have had inner thoughts of having had an inner need, truly, I can resonate with that.  Which would have been why I went back for more. 

The "not listening" is the same as the dehumanizing, that's what I have begun to realize, as it makes one feel like nothing, the word we use now in enlightenment is, invalidated, well that's how I have felt.  But then, our FOO's (and my exNH) would need us to be in a perpetual state of "invalidated" for us to be of use to them. 

Hope my ramble makes sense.   

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  I love the listening poem. It is so true and today,I will  try to practice it.
  Seasons. I think that facing the "truth" about our family is  HUGE . For me, I am in  the process. I have faced some of it. There is s/thing within us( as humans) that yearns for connection. I think that we , need  family connection and bonding. That is why we suffer so badly when it doesn't happen. It is sort of like the babies who die from lack of touch. We don't DIE, but we get "twisted". Then we are left with the symptoms of the twisting------depression, anxiety, emptiness, addictions etc
 As far as your sister, I would pray(if you do) and ask God to lead you in the way you should go. Then,I would try to be led by my "gut". I think that you are expecting yourself to come to a "Yeah" or Nay" decision in one fell swoop. That is what I hear. I see that expectation as giving you tremendous angst. You don't need to make a decision, now, or ever. You simply (IMO) need to keep facing the truth about your life( and her) and in time, you will know what to do.
  As you heal, the specific path will become clearer(IMO). Thanks for being such a wonderful friend
                                 Love   Ami


(((((((((Seasons))))))))))
 

[Leah]

Well, I just lost my post to you Seasons relative to your life situation but just as another one came in, all went blank 

Going to make a drink and will try to post it again.

((( Seasons )))

[seasons]

I was pleasantly surprised to receive it, as it validated so much on varying levels. I'm left validated too. What a gift.

Realizing that I had not been truly listened to, in respect of what I was saying and/or actually saying, made me feel upset, with feelings of being nothing, a dot in space.  Afterward, I mourned the wasted time spent in vain with them.
Yes, a measly DOT. And time is so precious, I understand your mourning.

Understand what you say about hanging on, as I did too, and used to go back too (years ago) as I was desperate for some crumbs.   And yes, I would then have had inner thoughts of having had an inner need, truly, I can resonate with that.  Which would have been why I went back for more. 
Yes, I think I am at the crumb stage but does not fill my needs, or dreams of needs met.

The "not listening" is the same as the dehumanizing, that's what I have begun to realize, as it makes one feel like nothing,
I feel like I know deep down this, how sad. Yet seeing, hearing this helps me realise I want more for myself. I deserve to feel human on the otherside of a relationship. We all do.

the word we use now in enlightenment is, invalidated, well that's how I have felt.  But then, our FOO's (and my exNH) would need us to be in a perpetual state of "invalidated" for us to be of use to them.    Yes, so true. (hugs)

Hope my ramble makes sense.   More than I could ever express, thank you.
Love, Leah

With sincere gratitude for you post and thoughtful reply. I feel empowered with knowledge, clarity which is showing me my path to freedom.
Ever grateful ((seasons))

[seasons]

Ami,

I love the listening poem. Me too!


I think that facing the "truth" about our family is  HUGE I agree, I also think as we are finding ourselves this includes changes in own thoughts and behaviours. scary stuff sometimes.


There is s/thing within us( as humans) that yearns for connection. I think that we , need  family connection and bonding. That is why we suffer so badly when it doesn't happen.
((painfull))

 It is sort of like the babies who die from lack of touch. We don't DIE, but we get "twisted". Then we are left with the symptoms of the twisting------depression, anxiety, emptiness, addictions etc
It is amazing what destruction they can do.


As far as your sister, I would pray(if you do) and ask God to lead you in the way you should go. Then,I would try to be led by my "gut". I think that you are expecting yourself to come to a "Yeah" or Nay" decision in one fell swoop.

Yes, I probably do want to make a final decision now. It's been so long that I have held onto this last toxic relationship. I think my need to change so quickly is because she is in my life everyday. Too much for the soul to take. I need to start off slowly, and withdraw my supply from her.


As you heal, the specific path will become clearer(IMO). Thank you, I believe that now more than ever,especially with the help, support, guidance and expamples here that it can be done. 

 I am thankful for you.  ((seasons))

Thank you Leah and Ami for Listening. Much love seasons

[Leah]

Dear (( Seasons ))

The "not listening" is the same as the dehumanizing, that's what I have begun to realize, as it makes one feel like nothing,
I feel like I know deep down this, how sad. Yet seeing, hearing this helps me realise I want more for myself. I deserve to feel human on the otherside of a relationship. We all do.

Yes, Seasons, that is the stage that I reached, in realizing and knowing that there was more to life that the one I had at the time, with my Nsister, while engaged, and especially, now, once you heal, grow and change, that inner calling for a connection of family while reaching out to them, truly, disappears, and no longer exists, almost as though it evaporates in the mist that clears away from view.

All of a sudden, you really do come to a realization that you are free of their game of life.  And you know deep down inside exactly what life it is that you want for yourself, as an independent person, as you understand just how much that there is for you.


What I was going to share on my post that blipped and went blank was that I never had a mother with whom to enjoy female talks, laughs, love etc.    And my sister was my mother.

Dear Seasons, thank you so much for sharing of your sweet memories of precious times, happy times, with your mother.  Truly, they have given me an inner feeling of joy, of what you where able to share, as many others do also, out there in the big wide world of life.

So with regards, sincere thoughts of you at this time.

Peace and love to you,

Leah

[seasons]

All of a sudden, you really do come to a realization that you are free of their game of life.  And you know deep down inside exactly what life it is that you want for yourself, as an independent person, as you understand just how much that there is for you.

Thank you Leah, I can feel the release of Foo's.
I have another question, I think I'll start a new thread.

Wishing you a very Happy New Year filled with peace and joy where ever you go. ((seasons))

This song is playing in my head.


Artist: Tim McGraw
Album: Live Like You Were Dying
Song: Live Like You Were Dying

Lyrics:

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

[Lupita]

listening wiyh attemtion, active listening. you can paraphrase what you listened.

[Certain Hope]

Seasons and Leah and all...

I'm finding this helpful, too...

Excerpted from:  http://leadingtoday.org/Onmag/2005%20Archives/may05/hb-may05.html

Many people hear what is being said but don’t listen to learn or to be influenced.  They are simply listening to reply, or to figure out how they can defend their current position or avoid shame or embarrassment.  They may also be listening for vulnerability in the other person’s position so they can take advantage of it and remain in control.

I believe that most listening today is not done in order to learn.  This sad situation is manifested in many ways.  One of the most pronounced ways is a lack of seeking honest feedback.[/i]

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says the real key to your influence is your example, your actual conduct.  “Being influenceable is the key to influencing others.”

 On page 243 Covey states:

“It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced.  You become vulnerable.”
 
When giving feedback to one who is sincerely striving to understand and be influenced, recognize that person is very vulnerable. Be careful to always be respectful and show honor to the person, even if what you have to say is strong medicine.

 An excellent place to practice giving and receiving feedback is in the home. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey says:

 “’Family’ is about learning the lessons of life, and feedback is a natural part of that learning.”

 Effective feedback must not involve blaming, accusing, criticizing, complaining and personal attack.  Effective feedback flows from humility.  The person giving the feedback recognizes that he or she is walking on “holy ground.” The other person is very vulnerable and must be treated with respect, even when the feedback is a bitter pill to swallow.  You are communicating not only to the head of the other person, but also to the heart!
 
Listening is also important while giving feedback. Feedback is actually a two way street.  When one gives feedback he or she should also be willing to receive feedback.  If the other person is reacting unfavorably to your feedback, listen to what the person is saying in response to your feedback.  Being an effective provider of feedback requires both a humble and teachable mind-set and a skill-set that may take years to achieve.  It takes considerable skill to shift a person’s perspective without evoking negative responses such as guilt, anger, or resentment.  Just pointing out someone’s faults is not the same as providing effective feedback.

Yes!
Thanks so much for this continued discussion.

With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Thanks, Carolyn,

In essence, effective communication skills!

Like it!

One of the most pronounced ways is a lack of seeking honest feedback

For me, the key word is honest

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says the real key to your influence is your example, your actual conduct.  “Being influenceable is the key to influencing others.”

Ones conduct, surely, is in effect, the witness and testimony of, ones voice.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Listening is also important while giving feedback. Feedback is actually a two way street.  When one gives feedback he or she should also be willing to receive feedback.  If the other person is reacting unfavorably to your feedback, listen to what the person is saying in response to your feedback.  Being an effective provider of feedback requires both a humble and teachable mind-set and a skill-set that may take years to achieve.  It takes considerable skill to shift a person’s perspective without evoking negative responses such as guilt, anger, or resentment.  Just pointing out someone’s faults is not the same as providing effective feedback.

One of the most important things a leader can model and teach is how to truly listen.  We must recognize how narcissistic tendencies have saturated our present culture and influenced us as leaders.  We must admit our own vulnerabilities and limited perceptions as we work to shift the perceptions of others.


Hi Carolyn,

You missed the bottom bit off, which I have added above, and it's really canny, because, oddly enough, that "Why Is It All About You?" book has a chapter on narcissistic tendencies have saturated our present culture

Interesting, think I may well look out a copy of the "Why?" book, after all.   Have read several reviews and articles today, regarding the book.

Great article, thank you ever so much.

As an aside, funny how, Dr. Va---n gets a mention, seemingly, on most websites now, makes me chuckle sometimes.

Love to you,

Leah