growing up

[axa]

Growing up in an N family the dynamics jumped between mind numbing boredom - because I did not have the skills to focus on activities which satisfied me and high drama, which was painful but boy did I feel alive.  Needless to say the drama was always rooted in conflict.  My adaptation was to avoid the conflict and feel flat and depressed.  As an adult I believe, I took little responsibility for my own well being and looked to others to provide the excitement in my life.  As kids we were never encouraged to join activities or groups and while my social skills were good I had little staying power.  I would very easily lapse into boredom and withdraw from whatever was going on.  The addiction to someone else determining my well being was well and truly in place. 

For me, boredom is a reminder of my not taking responsibility for my life.  It is about lapsing back into kid mode where I want the adults to fix my life for me.  I have made great strides in this area but have to constantly be aware that I am in charge of me.  I don't like it, I do it kicking and screaming, I want it all to be ok but I do not want to take the responsibility which goes along with it. 

My addiction to Ns makes perfect sense to me now.  Life without an N is so different.  I have learned that I can make it exciting without it being painful but I DO find it difficult.  I struggle with balance all the time - keeping some sort of rythmn.  So easily I can spend days reading and doing little else, it is not healthy.  I suffer the growing pains of being a responsible adult who tries to eat in a healthy way, exercise, socialise.  My natural inclination is extremes.  These extremes are so destructive and addictive.  Living in a "normal" way with routine is the hardest work I do.  I resent having to take care of myself.  When I do behave responsibly towards myself I feel good and yet I sabotage this feeling regularily.  I wonder is some of this tied up with letting go of being a victim?  To rewrite my narrative from one of being exploited to one of healthy responsible adult feels like a task which holds great fear for me.  It challenges my identity.  I think it is called growing up and I have little tolerance or patience the work that goes alongside this task.

axa

axa

[lighter]

I'm so glad you're back, Axa.


I always get something out of your posts.

It's a stuggle to remain mindful about enforcing boundaries and self care...... esp when we're feeling stronger.

[cats paw]

Axa,

  The only thing I can say is to share what happened within me when I read your post.  You were describing your thoughts, feelings
  and processes, and I felt a balanced calm.

   How does the saying go- Before Enlightenment :  chop wood, carry water.

                                       After Enlightnment :  chop wood,  carry water.

   Thanks for posting Axa.  I need to do routine in my life better, also.  I love to read, but I often use it as avoidance.

    I think the balanced calm is because your post is so grown up!

cats paw

  

  

[axa]

Lighter,

What an interesting thing to say.  It is when I feel stronger that I forget the need for routine.  As if I am flying and do not need to put my feet back on the ground.  Have just done the laundry and vacuuming to bring me back to earth.  I know there is something hugely important in what you said.  When I feel bored I pull myself out of it but when I am feeling like everything is great I forget all the lessons I have learned.  WHATS THAT ABOUT.  Is it the feeling of being sooooooooo unhealthly powerful?????????????  Balance, balance, balance....... how to stay on that tight rope!

Do you ever get scared when you feel happy?  I do when I forget the lessons I have learned.  I am working hard on making my own happiness so that it is not dependant on other and it is ok but exhausting at times.  I know that I do not trust humans and do feel safest keeping a wall up.  Guess it has to do with not having good boundaries so mine are made of reinforced concrete at the moment.


Cats Paw,

What wisdom.

axa

Thank you for the welcome, came back nervously.....

[gratitude28]

Wow, Axa,
Your post is so timely for me. And you are so right. I am in a position now where everything is stable... and boring to me. You are right. I am doing what is good and needed in my life, but searching for something. I have been going over and over this in my mind. Why am I not happy, when we have everything right now? I feel like I am missing something because I don't have a job (really, I am subbing and already know all the kids and staff in the school I work at and am appreciated). I feel bored because we are not travelling (we live right near DC and went to the museums last weekend). Nothing fulfills me and I just don't know why.
Maybe I am reacting to a childhood pull. Thanks for the thought and I will search some more for the answer and keep trying to be what I need to be now - a good mom and a contributor to our family.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

Cat,
Thank you for those words. Funny... and true. So true.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

I think that it takes much mindful perserverance to create new habits.

The old habits slip back in place when we're not paying mindful attention.... when we're flying, yes Axa.

[Hopalong]

Fear of success?
Axa I identify with absolutely everything in your first post.
 

Minor example: I began using hypnosis for weight loss, it worked wonderfully, lost a few pounds, started "flying" and then promptly sabotaged myself with a vengeance.

Self-care = tedium, discomfort
Serenity = boredom

I understand and I hate it.

love to you,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
 Yours was one of the most insightful threads I have ever read. Maybe,I can really relate to it right now.
 In one of my inner child books, it talks about thinking that "grown-ups" KNOW how  to navigate life---- that there was some secret. We ,as "abused" people are always looking for THE secret. I have been looking outside of myself for "the secret" from  the time I went in to a shell in my teens. WHO had the secret ? Would they tell me? Could I watch them and figure out HOW to navigate life.?
That is what I am wrestling with .now.
I think that the "secret" is that there is no secret. There is no formula. It is about looking at the "sorry piece  of work" that is "me" and saying ,'Well. this old thing-----but it is ALL I have." Then, I try to rebuild myself---one small step at a time.                                                Ami                                   

[gratitude28]

It's funny, too. The people Iknow who are serene - my husband, my MIL, are happy with day-to-day regular life and don't need constant excitement. The sad thing is, I can't think of anything to excite me now. Which means I need to turn inward and look for peace and serenity.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 My Aunt is at peace with the everyday life things, also.                                         Ami

[Certain Hope]

Axa,

  The only thing I can say is to share what happened within me when I read your post.  You were describing your thoughts, feelings
  and processes, and I felt a balanced calm.

   How does the saying go- Before Enlightenment :  chop wood, carry water.

                                       After Enlightnment :  chop wood,  carry water.

   Thanks for posting Axa.  I need to do routine in my life better, also.  I love to read, but I often use it as avoidance.

    I think the balanced calm is because your post is so grown up!

cats paw
  

Dear Axa,

There's no way I could rephrase the dear Kitty... reading you, I feel that balanced calm as well.

You have faced yourself and survived... (and so have those around you - smile -) and that is maturity, in my opinion.

Chopping wood and carrying water, with love,
Carolyn

P.S.  Hugs

[Leah]

 

How does the saying go- Before Enlightenment :  chop wood, carry water.

                                       After Enlightnment :  chop wood,  carry water.

Dear ((( Axa )))  and  ((( Cats Paw )))

Thank you, for * saying * that it's okay to be, happy to be

.....  chopping wood and carrying water.

Love, Leah