Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
New Member, Looking to Share
Yuki:
Hi Cdnwoman,
One theory I've heard for this is that when we were children we got abusive behavior all confused with love, because we knew parents were supposed to love us and we needed them to take care of us, so that was the only way we could make sense of the abuse. For a child to think that their parent is being cruel to them is too scary to handle, so the psyche decides that what's happening is ok and normal and that gets sort of programmed in. Then later in life, we see that same behavior and are attracted to it because we confuse it with love and caring. :?
Another theory is that we get into relationships with people who were like our parents because our psyche wants to make it right this time. Like, if this time we can make a relationship with this abusive person work, then we have mastered it and thus triumphed over the original abusive situation.
At any rate, it's very, sadly true that we do keep trying to recreate the trauma we went through as children. It's great that you've recognized it and are acting on it. That's more than most people are able to do. A lot of people just go through life continuing the cycle in their lives and with their kids. But you recognize it and so now you can change it. :)
I can't say what it is to unload it all and move on to a better life since I'm still in the middle of it myself. But I can tell you that my ability to recognize Ns and emotionally abusive behavior has gotten much better and I'm learning to set healthy boundaries with people. I'm slowly getting a sense of what my "voice" is too.
Some ways to release the feelings... journaling, meditation, talking about things here or with friends, therapy, art, reading books (careful of any that promise quick, easy results or otherwise sound gimicky). Know that it will probably feel worse before it feels better, and it might be more complicated and emotional than it seems like it is. You also don't have to involve your parents at all! You can work on these things yourself without hurting them. Narcissists generally don't change anyway, so trying to bring them into the recovery process won't do much for them. For me, I felt that it would only hurt me more and make me crazy to try to talk to my parents about this stuff because they'll never hear me and they can't help me. The process isn't really about parents anyway - it's about one's self. :)
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---So now I am dealing with the garbage of why I constantly allow myself to be in relationships where I can't fully express myself, or be heard and understood. All previous relationships have been with men who were emotionally distant, commitmentphobic, and at times...verbally abusive. I guess it is a reflection of my childhood. My parents were my lifeline, and I can remember many instances where I felt dismissed, unimportant, or uncared for. I am hoping to hear some insight from other people who were able to safely unload all that garbage, and move on to a better life.
--- End quote ---
It's called recovery from codependency. If you work on that, you can't remain voiceless or a willing victim. You'd develop boundaries, practice limit-setting, and learn how to interact with people in a self-protective, assertive way. It's all about new skills and changing unhealthy people-pleasing behaviors. Not easy; but that's how you will change the kind of men you date. With new behaviors there's a lot of anxiety so I would also recommend therapy. Best of luck! There are better men out there.
bunny
Anastasia:
CDN woman....are you my twin or am I your evil twin?
These commitmentphobic gameplayers GO AFTER THE UNATTAINABLE. The very women that shouldn't be sucked into their games are the ones who are: the bright, sharp, pretty gals who could get anyone.
Well, I, too, am described as "having it all": brains, success, degreed with honors, very pretty and look alot younger than I really am, and, when I can keep my weight down, having a great body. I could have my pick and choose they say. Well, I end up with these losers over and over. Something is off track with me somewhere to even allow these creeps in my life: I accept craziness easier than most because I grew up with crazy.
I'm going to pick someone healthy before I die, I swear it!
I have a couple old outdated books on Don Juans and there is one type that goes for us, too. Lucky us.
Well, I am on a diet. I have all the ears cocked to hear any craziness from some guys and I am outta there. I am determined to find a good life partner before I finally croak...damn it...
This fallout from being the abused child of a Narcissist has got to stop! I reallllly want to make healthy choices in men from now on.
cdnwoman:
Good Morning All;
I knew for the longest time that something wasn't right within me to continually attract the same type of men. To be back at emotional square one. Like I said before, I am constantly told to be the "package". I guess I always wanted to believe that THIS TIME, it will be different with whoever I was seeing. But where I am now, it's pretty obvious that nothing has changed.
I find it easier to funnel my anger and pain towards ex-boyfriends than towards my parents. I feel guilty whenever I try to journal my hurt and anger in how they made me feel insignificant while growing up. Perhaps a therapist is needed. I have turned self-punishment into an art.
Is Codependency the same as Voicelessness? I somehow can't really connect the two. I guess they are different forms of compulsions. I am still trying to figure that out.
As for the commitmentphobics....ugh....I will run the other way screaming if I meet another one. I can say right now that I will be bearing scars from my last relationship. Him bailing on me with no warning, I guess it is good in that it helped me search more within myself. And to find that I have been "suffering" from repetition compulsion. There is a bit of relief in learning that.
I look forward to reading more posts.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---I am constantly told to be the "package". I guess I always wanted to believe that THIS TIME, it will be different with whoever I was seeing. But where I am now, it's pretty obvious that nothing has changed.
--- End quote ---
Being described as "the package" is a red flag. If a man calls you "the package" he's probably uninterested in dealing with a real human being. When you become more real as a person, he flees in terror. These men have to be weeded out very quickly before you invest emotions in them. Paying attention to red flags is the way to weed them out.
--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---Is Codependency the same as Voicelessness? I somehow can't really connect the two. I guess they are different forms of compulsions. I am still trying to figure that out.
--- End quote ---
Codependency, in a nutshell, means that you focus on another person to regulate your emotional life. It means you lack self-protective boundaries and let the other person "take over" your existence. Two books that might really help you are:
"Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara De Angelis
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood
bunny
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