update from write

[Hopalong]

Carolyn,
This is so purely put:

To simply stop all that and allow it to pass... not unnoticed, but ineffectual...
It's so difficult to put into words, but I feel, more and more, that life has become a matter of simply being, instead of constantly searching/managing/re-arranging...

Thank you.
I can see you. The simplicity of sitting with the lights, letting the frenzy happen elsewhere.

Thanks for this glimpse/gift of peace.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

How I love reading your words, how comforting and peaceful they feel to my soul. 

[write]

so......do you have a new boyfriend?  If you don't mind me asking

no. I get a lot of attention and am letting that be quite enough reassurance for now. I'm not quite ready; nearly but not quite.

Its incredible to spend a few moments in the day, getting to know the local critters:) You are so fortuneate!

funny today I went a different direction. Someone had spray-painted 'do not enter' on the way down to the creek and for some reason I just never went there before! It was beautiful and of course- solitary!

 I've missed you.

missed you too TT!

that. To learn to stop over-analyzing every overwhelmingly strong feeling in order to attribute it to.

I still have to do this, not as much but to monitor the mood swings and work out where I'm reacting appropriately. It's a state of altered reality sometimes, bipolar!

, He always meets our needs, as we walk close to Him with no reliance upo

it's true, I do rely totally upon G_d, never think of G_d as he, can't really visualise it at all the closer I get to it, it feels more like- a feeling now. A feeling of love and calm.

I can tell you there are few more awesome gifts to me, than seeing a struggler find areas of VICTORY!


thank you Laura, I think there are four true areas I have struggled with:

*accepting I have a mental illness and learning to manage it
*growing confident to be with my own visualisation of G_d separate from teaching, religion, politics, logic etc
*takign proper care of my physical health & well-being
*understanding NPD and learning that I can't change that

The rest of it- I've had a pretty good life, full, and if i made bad decisions or didn't take responsibility for my own happiness at times, they were my choices.

I certainly don't feel like a victim or helpless, and I think every single thing which happened has had some hidden blessing in it eventually.
It just took time and a bit of unravelling...

The simplicity of sitting with the lights, letting the frenzy happen elsewhere

since I decided to let go of an image of Christmas I have felt so much more peaceful.
I love lights and candles, but like fireworks- they get a bit much if you *have* to have them over and over!
Once a year was much better, I'll make my new traditions short-lived and try to keep their meaning.

How I love reading your words, how comforting and peaceful they feel to my soul

thanks GS.

That's definitely what i want new traditions to feel like- comfort, or peace, or new beginning etc.
Symbols lose their meaning for me when I start to accept them on the wrong level, which is what I think I've done with Christmas.

Love to everyone, hope you are all having some peace

Love
~W

[write]

I guess we're all a lifelong 'work in progress' but the things I still want to improve on in 2008:

*emotions- I want to be more confident about my emotional responses to things; thinking about developing a coding system to formalise this during times of illness; I don't over-react any more but mostly because I don't react much at all in the moment. It would be nicer to be able to be 'in the moment' a bit more again. Currently there's few people I can let get that close. It's not helping me with intimacy to feel I have to be so guarded.

*finances- I want to feel more practical, if I'm going to stay poor I want to build in support for when crisis things happen, and also budget better on a weekly basis, there's always room for improvement on that.

*career- I'd like to publish some things in 2008 and start a degree and do a few solo classical performances.

*health. Still dropping weight, it's left me with a lot of saggy skin and a strange tummy- need a concentrated exercise regime now to tighten everything up.

*lifestyle- I want to stay home more and work quietly more and socialise less but more choosily- only do things I really wnat to & be more focussed with the rest of my time. I see my son several times a day which is really nice, I send extra love to people who are still battling issues with co-parenting and childcare arrangements ((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm really thankful looking at this list- some of you remember the horrendous ones of a few years' back when I was still going through all the cr*ppest times- I'm really thankful it's so little really, and all lower-stress things in themselves not 'get divorced' or 'find a job' or 'be sane' ( smile ) etc

Happy holidays, it's been really nice coming back. I don't wnat to get back in the habit of net-surfing all the time again, but I will come back over the holidays and then every 6 months to report.

It is nice to have some place to anchor, but I really also want to lose many aspects of dependency, which I am prone to, too.

~W