Hooked on Reality TV/Real Life Drama

[Overcomer]

You are welcome and I mean it.  My goal is to become a better me in 2008.  I am enrolling in a Small Group in January for women and its topic is self esteem-I might even meet some new people.  Ialso found a network company that is truly ground floor-I am going to go for that this year too-a liquid vitamin supplement with exotic juices etc.  You  have a happy Christmas and New Years! 

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I have felt the same way about my "relationship "with you,as Kelly has. When I first came on the board,you were trying to find your "voice" in your relationship with your F. You had your perceptions confirmed when he was seen by others(professionals) the same way that you saw him. I could relate to the ups and downs of your struggles with an N parent.
 You were always an honest voice and willing to go the extra mile to try to find your own truth. I have missed you .. I have wondered where you were.
  When people'leave",I always think that they got "well" and didn't need the board,anymore. I thought that about you. Your sense of "not belonging" is internal(IMO)
 It is your own sense of "shame' or being different. I know, in my life, that when I "belonged' inside myself, I belonged with people. When I was isolated from myself, I felt isolated from people. I think that it is an 'internal" drama that is "playing out" on the outside.
You should write a thread about feeling like you don't belong. If you don't want to----I will. Just tell me.
                    Love   Ami

(((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  Since you started talking about changes that you want to make in the New Year,I will add a few. I want to get out more. I need a bull dozer to drag me out(lol)
 When the bull dozer comes ,I go out. If not, I stay in--bleh.
 As I was telling GS,I need to have my "home"(myself) with me so that I can go more confidently in to the world. Last night,I went to a party. I could see that we all, as humans. struggle in the same ways. I went "down" more b/c of an N mother and b/c I stopped 'trying", at some point.I gave up b/c I could not get out of the "numb" zone. All my activities were 'grey" so it wan't worth trying,anymore. I was 'underwater" as my M was.
 Now, I have hope. I can see myself getting "normal". I can see it out over the horizen. I am not there,yet. I don't even know all the steps ,yet. They will open up one by one, I think.
 God can provide amazing unexpected blessings.. After all I have been through,it was  worth it to know Him. He will rehabilitate me ,if I do the steps,"on the ground". Happy Holidays,Kelly. Thanks for ALL you have given me and it was considerable(lol)
                                                                    Ami

((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Your sense of "not belonging" is internal(IMO)

Wow - when I first read this, I thought, "Yes - that's right." And then it really hit me.  Oh - it is internal, meaning I have the power to change it.  It is not external, it does not depend on others.  Could that be true?  Of course it is true!  Could it really be true?  Yes of course - really?

I've got it and then I don't.  I've got it and then it is gone.  But I will get it and it will become incorporated and it will be me.

You were always an honest voice and willing to go the extra mile to try to find your own truth. I have missed you .. I have wondered where you were.
  When people'leave",I always think that they got "well" and didn't need the board,anymore. I thought that about you.

I cannot thank you enough.  I have been so alone and lonely and I have struggled with so much these past 6 years.  I lost so much in a short period of time and then hit such deep lows that all who had been my "friends" went away.  I became so embittered and the range of rejection expanded exponentially. For two years now I have worked solidly on reversing my bitter, angry self and have made tremendous strides.  I am now a person whom I like but the damage was done and I am still ostrasized in the community.  It takes a while to overcome that damage.  Add that to the experience of "rejection" growing up as the object of "projection" in an N family and I can walk down the street and expect someone to stop their car to offer me criticism.  - Yeah - now that's definitely internal.  Thank you so very much.  I can change anything "internal."  I have control over me.  Thank you for sharing that.

I like the idea of starting a thread on "not belonging".  I want to think about it a day. (If I don't - gently tap me, I have been absent minded lately.)  Thank you so much - your words are such salve.  Thank you and thank this place.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  Thank you for "allowing"me to help you. Your 'joy" at seeing this truth helps me and gives me strength on a day when I am struggling to see my own value.
  I know what you mean about expecting criticism all the time --from everyone and everyplace.I have faced more of myself today and it is NOT pretty. I am very beaten down. I was talking to my F and I could see how I got so damaged from an N M an then an N(ish) H. There is an actual syndrome called abused wife syndrome ,I think. Even the court says that you are "not right" when you have been  beaten down for so long.
  I made a little progress toward finding my core-15%--maybe. Now, I can look back and face again HOW low  I have gotten.
 Your post today showed me that I have value to help s/one and it was all my joy, GS,much more than yours.      Love   Ami

((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

You rock girls!

[Hopalong]

Kel,
I am excited to hear about your women's group. Hope you'll share how it goes!
Once I became deeply bonded in a small group similar to that (I think), my life changed a lot for the better.

GS, you have become so reflective. You have so much perspective. It's as though since you were absent a while, you've not only done a lot of emotional healing but have looked at things as a story arc. That's very positive, imo. It's like you're no longer trapped in your own story but are releasing it to move forward. I see an enormous difference in your voice. There's more space in it.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops - your words mean the world to me.  I so respect your perspective.  I am not able to see that change in myself so it is quite a gift to hear your sense.  I am determined to make the change from what I have been to being positive and determined, to focus on the good and let go of the offences.  Once I saw the value of these changes I expected it would be a simple step of mind over matter.  Well Mind Over Matter it may be but it has not been simple nor quick.  But I don't have a choice - I have to keep going in this direction.  My only complain is how slow the transition is.  But I am thankful to have the vision of where I want to go.

I'll be thinking of you and your daughter.  Hope your time together is even better than your last get together.  As she matures I believe she will be able to see how fortunate she is to have you as her mother.  I have a nephew who at 15 takes out on his mother his anger towards his father and vice-versa.  (They are divorced for 2 years.)  I have long suspected and thought I heard hints in some of your posts, that she is taking out on you her anger at the loss of her father.  I think it is worse because you are the person who you are - i.e. you are kind, tolerant and in it for the long haul and on some level she knows you will never let go of her no matter how horribly she acts towards you.  She can count on you and so she is taking her pain out on you.  It's  strange return for your love but I think she is reaching the age where the root of her actions will begin to become clear to her and at long last you will see the fruits of your love.  When it does turn, don't be surprised if you feel hints of anger towards her for the sorrow she has put you through.  I do believe it is coming to and end for you in the next year or two. -

[Hopalong]

Thanks, GS, those are lovely words.
I believe you, too.
I am feeling a lot of peace about my daughter.
We meet tomorrow morning for a farewell breakfast.
And in a way, though I'll worry sometimes, I'm glad she's going so far.
I think it will help her complete the transition to standing on her own two feet,
which should make our relationship happier and healthier going forward.
The financial well isn't just dry, it's caved in, so that part has to stop.

So now that I'm no longer able to be her banker, maybe she'll take a new tack.
She does call me a lot more frequently to talk things over, and you're right,
she has no fear of losing me.

Thanks for your encouraging words, GS.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I'm glad it is going well Hops.  I have a vision of a true healing of your relationship with her.  I will hold that vision for you both.