meaning in YOUR life

[lynn]

Hi all,

A while back Portia posted a topic about exitential issues in our lives:  Death, Isolation, Freedom and Meaning of LIfe.  

I am interested in knowing how you would describe your Meaning of Life.  I'm not looking for THE meaning of life.  Instead, what gets "you" through the day.  What makes YOUR life meaningful?  

As I get restarted in life without an NH, I find a big gap.  I've thought about it a lenght and I believe that part of the reason I married my NH is that I was searching for meaning.... I was adrift at the time and he had a very clear idea of what he wanted.  I easily fell into the support role.  It gave my life meaning.  I was the emotional support for an N.  

Of course, I realize now that this was not REAL.  The value I "thought" was there was fake, unreal, untrue.  I was fooling myself.

So, now.... I am drifting again.  More experience and perspective and wisdom this time.... and I have a certain patience with this discovery.  

Which brings me back to the original question... What is the meaning of YOUR life?

Warmly,
lynn

[Ellie]

Hi Lynn,
I started with a therapist a few months ago with the same issue. I know how to make everyone else happy, but I do not know how to make ME happy. I do not know what the meaning of MY life is about. That's when we started discovering the issues I grew up with - both N parents. She said I needed to start thinking about making me happy and stop trying to please everyone else as I was still attempting to make my parents approve me by making others happy since I could never make them happy. It started the process of remembering lots of painful issues. As I work through them and take over control for my life for the first time ever, I start to find a more meaningful life. I still do not know what makes me happy, but I have a better path now that I realize I cannot change the Ns in my life.

It's so painful to realize that in the whole scheme of it all, the people that I thought I mattered to for so long, never saw me as meaningful to them - only as objects to use.

So now my meaning for life is to enjoy what I can get out of it, whatever that may be. But I  must spend the rest of it trying to be there for myself and my very functional immediate family (H and 3 kids) and trying to be happy.

[Yuki]

For me, part of being "voiceless" is not having a meaning in life.

My purpose in life was decided by my N mother before I was born, I believe. I was there to make her feel better, and to make my father be more responsible. She purposely got pregnant and brought a baby into a physically/emotionally/verbally abusive marriage with an alcoholic... she did it for herself, not for me. My happiness and well-being in life wasn't a high priority - my reason for being there was.

When your entire meaning in life, for as long as you can remember, has been someone else... talk about feeling empty. When I first moved out of her house I felt so lost and completely worthless. I didn't even know how to know what I wanted or how to decide for myself what the meaning in my life was.

Now after about 5 years of therapy I still feel lost. Just drifting. But I'm vaguely starting to get a sense of how to develop things like meaning in my life and my own worth.

I'd say, for now at least, my meaning in life is to BEAT THIS. What I mean by that is to get over my depression and anxieties and the voicelessness and all of the other negative feelings and ways of living that were created by my N mother and the emotional abuse I went through in my childhood. And to NOT REPEAT IT. I will not repeat this cycle with my own children, if I ever have any.

On a more day-to-day level, the thing that I think about to get me through the day is to focus on doing the healthiest, most healing things that I can, and making my well-being and feelings my top priority.

[Anonymous]

Great topic.

Meaning of life for me is to be a mensch and be nice to children.

bunny

[lynn]

It's so painful to realize that in the whole scheme of it all, the people that I thought I mattered to for so long, never saw me as meaningful to them - only as objects to use.

So now my meaning for life is to enjoy what I can get out of it, whatever that may be. But I must spend the rest of it trying to be there for myself and my very functional immediate family (H and 3 kids) and trying to be happy.

Ellie, I feel for your realization.  It's jolting, shaking, crumbling to realize that they did not see you as meaningful, in the same way that they had meaning to you... I hope that you can be there for yourself and that you find ways to identify, to know, what makes you happy.

I'd say, for now at least, my meaning in life is to BEAT THIS. What I mean by that is to get over my depression and anxieties and the voicelessness and all of the other negative feelings and ways of living that were created by my N mother and the emotional abuse I went through in my childhood. And to NOT REPEAT IT. I will not repeat this cycle with my own children, if I ever have any.

On a more day-to-day level, the thing that I think about to get me through the day is to focus on doing the healthiest, most healing things that I can, and making my well-being and feelings my top priority

Break the chain.  You can do it Yuki.  I empathize with your feelings.  Sometimes it feels that the best I can do is to Beat it.  How do you focus on healthy and healing things? How do you make yourself your top priority?

Meaning of life for me is to be a mensch and be nice to children.

bunny, sometimes I wish that you signed on as bunny so that I could send you a personal email. I love your comments.  What exactly is a mensch?  From your comment I gather that you feel that your life has meaning  ?

Great comments.

How do you get through your day?  What gives your life meaning?

Searching,

Lynn

[shixie]

A mensch is a good person, also my goal in life.  Unfortunately, N's eat nice people alive.  Once bitten, twice shy.  One has to learn how to say no and that they have every right to do so.  Learning how to look after yourself and protect yourself is important.  Once this is learned everything falls into place.

[bunny]

Hi lynn,

I'm signed on as bunny.

My older sister once told me that my life does not have any meaning because I don't have children. I thought she was wrong about that. Therefore my life has meaning. Otherwise she'd be right and she isn't.

A mensch is a man of integrity, a good person.

bunny

[Portia]

Thanks for a great thread Lynn!

Bunny, you said "My older sister once told me that my life does not have any meaning because I don't have children." well I wouldn't like to be your sister's children!   What a thing to say, it says so much about her eh? I'm glad now I don't have children, although I still have a slight fairy tale tape telling me that it's what a woman's life is all about. What tosh. A life is to be human, as opposed to inhuman.

Anyway, sorry, rambling. Meaning in life Lynn. It's a purpose I guess. To be a better person. Not to hurt people. To help when I can. To understand more about people, myself. To die feeling I learned something. To keep being curious, asking why, why not, to dig away for answers even when it hurts, especially when it hurts. And to appreciate good food, to try not to eat or drink in that old detached way where I didn't ever really taste ... to really concentrate on and appreciate the smallest things. Getting a pair of binoculars helped a lot! - for studying the details on common birds and finding them amazing. Laughing and crying are really important. Did you ever read Douglas Adams' 'Life, the universe etc'? Very funny. Moral. Philosophical. But funny. What makes you laugh?

[Jaded911]

Lynn,


You ask what everyones meaning in life was?  That is a wonderful, deep thinking, self evaluating question that gave me alot of thoughts.

I came to this simple conclusion.  My meaning in life is to stride to be the best person that I can be and to be true to myself without stomping on people throughout my journey.

I am very aware of the person I am and the person I inspire to be.  I also am aware that I lost track of that person at one time in the not so distant past.  That led me into an emotional, gut wrenching turbulence that I refuse to ever experience again.

My meaning in life is to not just plug along in the life that was given to me.  My meaning is to succeed in being the best person that I can be while remaining true to myself.  Being happy within myself makes those who surround me benefit from my presence.

[Yuki]

How do you focus on healthy and healing things? How do you make yourself your top priority?

I like the idea of re-parenting, where you visualize a good, healthy parent taking care of you. I use that idea, but I don't like to think of it as a parent because that has certain negatives attached to it. Instead I try to think of how I would take care of a child, the best way I could, and then I treat myself that way. (otherwise I tend to be neglectful and depriving of myself)

Also, I try to not hold back emotions whenever it's possible. If I need to cry, I do it. If something feels like it's too hard to do, I don't force it. If I feel angry and want to throw things, I find a way to do it. As much as I can, as long as it's not going to be harmful, I try to express whatever feelings or urges come up, without judging them. I've spent my entire life holding everything inside. I'm much too restrained and cautious and buttoned down for my own good. So now, I try to never say "no" to any feeling that comes up. If I get the urge to slam a door, instead of saying "no, that's childish. I don't lose control of my temper and do things like that," I go ahead and do it instead. Usually in a private way that won't disturb other people, but I do what I can to let that feeling be expressed.

I'm very focused myself and my feelings. I don't plan on this being a long-term thing, but right now I'm very intensely into my recovery. It's really the only thing that I'm doing in my life right now. That wasn't completely my choice. I was having panic attacks that prevented me from doing other things in my life. I felt like I was being held hostage by my own feelings. So I took that as a sign that my feelings needed my full attention very badly, otherwise they wouldn't be coming out in such overwhelming ways. I think the more you try to hold a feeling back, the stronger it's going to come out eventually.

[BlueTopaz]

Re. what gives my life meaning...

I hope it dosen't sound too corny -lol- but spotting the energy of love.  There is so much destruction, negative, and evil energy in the world.   Where I see kind, loving acts, the face of a baby, animals, nature....    I feel a sense of peace and meaningfulness.

On a more intricate note, I feel that my life's meaning has been pre-orchestrated as the healing of soul deep wounds, inner growth, conscious evolution...

It is said that these qualities are often grown out of adversity.  According to the saying I'm sure I'm on the right track right now!    

These are trying times where sometimes I can see, and even accept the lesson, and where other times I'm just swept up in overwhelm and despair.  

But what gives my life meaning, is when I am able to see, stay focused on the lessons, and make major self and life improvements as a result.

[Anonymous]

Hiya Lynn,

Good to hear from you.  I play around with this question from time to time. Recently, I've decided I don't have to have a purpose.  Just living is enough, just like the other creatures of the earth.  "Good" or "bad" the universe is unfolding as it should.  

Maybe that's begging the question "why am I here"?.  I used to hate bad stuff happening, but now i realize that if I learn the lesson behind it vs. just being unhappy, I feel I've grown.  

Wow, how wise, huh?  I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I have to do some ironing or something and I feel a whole lot more sense of accomplishment!  

Thanks.  I enjoyed reading the other contributions!  I like the idea of looking for love and life in the world around us.  Seeker

[Anonymous]

I gleaned from everyone's personal "meaning of life".  HOw thought-provoking.  I am a mother of 2 small boys and I love them very much.  (I would also support and love mY Sister if she didn't)  As a stay-at-home-Mom who used to be a Ford Motor Co climb the corporate ladder..blah blah blah; the meaning of life for me has come to mean  be passionate about "my daily bread"..Like reading devotijnals with my boys, making them pancakes, and taking a nap while they are napping.  Having a movie night in my bed with popcorn!!   Enjoying the simplicity and beauty that life has to offer all of us.  And being present in these moments as much as we can.

It's also about walkign through the pain.working through our baggage and ,for me, thinking about my hihger purpose on this planet.  How can I give back to people, my community, other women in abusive realtionsips.  How can I help theM!!  I think all of us on this site are really great MENSCHES!!!

[lynn as guest]

Wow.  You give me inspiration.

Usually, I cope pretty well with life.  I am able to feel meaningful in my day.  But recently, I hit a low that was engulfed with lack of meaning.  

I used to find meaning in my children... in conversations and popcorn and reading books.... It is truley a wonderful, marvelous time of life.  My children are older teens now and their need for me is greatly diminished.  My role is more to give them support when needed, and to stand back and let them find their way.  I gave them wings and now they are learning to fly.

When I was married, so much of my time and energy was involved with supporting the emotional welfare of my husband.  Every single day, I did things to make sure he would be okay.... crazy I know, but it kept our family running smoothly.   He would be calmer.  The kids would be happier.  I thought it was an okay trade off.  

Now I recognize that the kids saw our world as "fake"  A false family.  Pretty on the outside and wormy on the inside.  It absolutely breaks my heart when my daughter tells me this... even when there are elements of truth to her words... because my love and my commitment were genuine.  My love came from my heart.   Yet, she is accutely  aware of the falsness that came when her dad was home.... the feeling of being on her best behavior... or worse yet, of me being on my best behavior.  

So these roles which used to give me structure and meaning are gone.  And I must find new ways to have a purpose.  My thoughts, however, stray to such negative thougths.  Such unanswerable questions.  

That's why I wrote this question.  To find out what makes your day worthwhile.  I have listened to your ideas and will try my best to remember them when I sink low again.  

This starting over is an incredible task. At this moment, I don't feel the joy of freedom and the opportunity for growth.... maybe I will in time... but right now, everything appears worthless.  I struggle to imagine things feeling better.  Each day I put one foot in front of another and plod through the day.

I have grave fears that I will always feel terrible.  My xH has said repeatedly that I will be miserable.  that I will fail.    And I know that his words lack credibility, but I hear them in my heart.  And I question my abliity.  And I cannot find a reason to look toward the future.

Every day is not this gloomy.  But when the feeling washes over me, it is huge and intense and difficult to shake.

Love you all for your vision and purpose,

Searching,

lynn

[Portia]

Now I recognize that the kids saw our world as "fake" A false family. Pretty on the outside and wormy on the inside. It absolutely breaks my heart when my daughter tells me this... even when there are elements of truth to her words... because my love and my commitment were genuine. My love came from my heart. Yet, she is accutely aware of the falsness that came when her dad was home.... the feeling of being on her best behavior... or worse yet, of me being on my best behavior.

 Lynn. The fact that your daughter is able to say these things to you is a HUGE SUCCESS, something to be celebrated. You are not a fake person! Or your daughter wouldn’t be able to say these things and you wouldn’t be able to listen. You’re a real person, that’s so precious, so so precious. Rejoice in it. Cry about it. Because being real means you can feel both pain and joy. My goodness, how lucky you are, and how good a mother you must be despite the N, to have a daughter say these things. And what a gift she gives you. Have you said ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ to her? You can if you wish.

So these roles which used to give me structure and meaning are gone. And I must find new ways to have a purpose.

 And the structure and meaning were false anyway? It’s okay to feel regret, remorse, wasted time, even beat ourselves up a bit….before we can get on with life. You can’t rush it. This time too will change.  (((((((((Lynn))))))))) P