Yikes-My F just told me that my M is on a plane on her way down to see me

[Ami]

Dear  Every Precious  Friend Who Wrote on This Thread,
  My M just left . I will write later or tomorrow. Thanks for asking. Sorry to start a thread and leave it unfinished. I am  simply too worn out to write about the specifics, right now. Thanks so much for your prayers and concern. I have so many really wonderful things to tell you.  In the end ,we had a lot of fun together. It was a wonderful visit,full of learning and growth.      Love   Ami                                           

[changing]

Hi Ami-

I knew that you could handle things in the right way! It may not be easy, but you are capable and I am glad that your peacer and happiness is no longer at the mercy of the whims of others!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

I felt such a sense of  love from the board  during my M's visit. I felt  strength b/c I knew that my dear friends on the board were just a  moment away, at any time.
I want to tell you about the visit.
 On the first night, we  got in to a huge fight.I wrote on another thread that my H threw his
hat" in the ring and pummeled me,and my M joined him. I was the
bad" one. I realized that I DID have a voice.,though.Having a "voice" was new to me( and to them- lol) My voice was not the abused ,beaten down person anymore. I told my M the "truth" about my H, in front of him.. I did this all in the middle of the fight.  My H looked like he had been hit with a plank(lol) Truth is powerful. I was NOT going to be the scapegoat anymore for two N's..
 The next day, she did not come over,but we talked on the phone. She was crying. She admitted that she violated my boundaries(big time) when she colluded with my H in a fight ,against me. She said that she was broken hearted at how she treated me when I was a child. She could see how I gotten  so broken and she would do anything at all to try to help me get back to a whole person.
 The next day,she came over(Fri). We spent the  day together.We had so much fun. I really had grown   b/c of the board. I could laugh at  my foibles.  I told her,"Maybe, you are not an N  b/c you can make jokes(lol)". I felt  free  to laugh  at our craziness. She and I both did.
  I was ,also , honest when she did try to "blame" and shame me. I did not take ANY  of it. She backed down, every time.At the end she thanked me for helping her to grow.
  I realized that I had been given a precious gift( a miracle, actually). . I know that she loves me and always did.
 She told me that she would leave her practice and come down here to be with me ,if it would help. She   always loved me. That was the most healing part of all.
 I have to integrate all the things that happened . I  think that I will have a shift in thinking when it all settles in.
 I see that I  was loved. This gives me a tremendous sense of peace and of value.
 I have to thank the board for ANY progress that I made. All of it was from the board(Dr G's gift)----pure and simple. I never would have been able to handle my M ( and H) w/out the  board experiences.
   My friends on the board are as 'real" to me, as any 3D people. Maybe ,that is bad, but it is how it is.
  Love heals--- cyberspace or 3D!                  Ami



 

[reallyME]

um, ok, is anyone else here a bit baffled, other than me?  Ami, your mother, from your description here, either doesn't sound like a narcissist or maybe she has you "snowed."?  Quitting her job to come LIVE near you?  Dear GOD!  Sorry, but RED FLAGS HERE IF she is a narcissist, that is.

Ok, I read this...again, way too general:

On the first night, we  got in to a huge fight.I wrote on another thread that my H threw his
hat" in the ring and pummeled me,and my M joined him. I was the
bad" one. I realized that I DID have a voice.,though.Having a "voice" was new to me( and to them- lol) My voice was not the abused ,beaten down person anymore. I told my M the "truth" about my H, in front of him.. I did this all in the middle of the fight.  My H looked like he had been hit with a plank(lol) Truth is powerful. I was NOT going to be the scapegoat anymore for two N's..

"my H threw his hat" in the ring and pummeled me, and my M joined him.

HUH?  Your husband added a mean comment into the convo and beat you up physically, along with your mother?

Ami, are you able to do the "I said _______________, then my husband said ________________ and my mother said _____________________?

 (is this possible, or are you still leaving out details for privacy reasons?  I mean, none of us know these people and I can't make heads nor tales out of what happened until you fill in the exact situation.)

Since it's over and done with, are you able to tell us in more specifics what this fight was about?  I read it again, hoping for some details so I could chime in on it, but again, way too general for me to even understand.

I had this picture of your husband throwing a top hat in the middle of your living room, punching you repeatedly and your mother doing the same.  What's it all mean?  See what I mean?  Too vague, Ami. Please? more info?  and what about your M...did she suddenly become a non-narcissist? 

Confused and wanting to "get it,"

~Laura

[Lupita]

Ami, I have the feeling, that you are decieving your self. After a life of N mother you cannot just heal, just because of chatting in the board. Board is a help, but not therapy, it is a therapeutic help, but no therapy. It does not make sense. An offensive N Mother never change. Soemthing does not make sense to me. Probably I am the only one. You might be right. But, it could be a dilution, an image that you need to project in front of your friends of the board, I do not know what. I just do not understand. That is why I have not posted lately in your thredas, because I do not understand scientifically what is going on with your life. Like going to the gym when you said that you just ate a meal for the first time, or having a profound pain and posting in other threads as if nothing was happening. Ami, I suspect, there is something going on in your brain that you sitll have not noticed. What? I have no idea. Sometimes you say very wise things, and sometimes I am overwhemled by the lack of sense in the order of events that you present. I am aware that you have suffered and that you sure have problems but I still do not understand what is happening to you. I am afraid that you have something going on that is very deep and you have no idea what is happening inside you.
I will be praying for you, but do not get offended if I do not write to you, it is just that I am afraid that I will do more damage than help, because fo lack of understanding.
But I will keep reading constantly all your threads, I promise you that. If I see seomthing that I can understand I will write you. If I do not understand I will just keep praying for you. Do not get mad at me for my lack of undestanding. I still appreciate you and pray for you.
Sometimes it is more helpful not interfering than saying something that would do more damage than help. That does not mean I do not appreciate you.
When I said twin sisters, it was a metaphore. Soul mates is a metaphore. I thought we had things in common. Please, do not think I do not appreciate you, I do, I appreciate you, i just do not understand you.
Now, I do not understand the relaitivity theory of Einstain but I do appreicate its importance, and also nobody knows how aspirine really really works, but it is sure a very good thing to the world.
My point, I do not have to understand you to appreciate you.
God bless you Ami, and hope from my heart that your feelings are a reality.

[Ami]

Laura---you crack me up(lol)
Details.....
 On the first night, we all(M,H, two S's and I) were in the kitchen. My M started "violating " my S's(older) boundaries by asking him ,over and over, if he had made the right choices about college b/c he was taking a non traditional route. I saw my S's distress. I said,"Mom, he does not want to be  on the spot. He does not want to be questioned. It is obvious from the look on his face.", She started arguing that she could ask what   she wanted. I said that she was violating boundaries, the same way that she violated MY boundaries by coming here without asking me.She was taken aback.
  THEN , the big conflagration began.. I could see it coming when I saw my H--- -poised for a fight. I said to my H,"PLEASE  allow me to talk to my M alone. My problems with her are with her,not you. Any issue that I have with you is not germane to my relationship with her. . PLEASE ,don't get in to this "discussion".Then I said,"I am asking you, begging you, asking for a gift etc. PLEASE do not get in to this discussion."
My H  jumped in.. He tried to get my M on his side by saying that I "hated" both of them(low). He got her all riled up by saying that I was "unforgiving" to the people who loved and cared for me( them)He went on  about how he tried so hard to be a good H ,but* I *would not let the past go. My M  said that he was right.My M said that my H could join the "fight" if he wanted to.(after I had begged him not to) So, now they  both  were saying how* I* did not appreciate all the attempts at forgiveness that they had given me and  all the caring and concern . I was just ungrateful and unforgiving.
 I went in to the other room and I could hear them talking about me. My H was saying that he kept begging  for forgiveness and I would not give it b/c I just wanted to hang on to the past. My M agreed that I would not give it to her either(bleh).
  Then,I got angry. I came out of my room  and I told my M that I have been abused all these years.. I need to get a new door lock every few months b/c my H breaks it in a rage if I express any emotions( anger etc). I said that he held  a heavy wooden chair over my head b/c I expressed anger. My S(younger) thought that he would have to "beat " his F up.I told her that that was the "great"life that my H provided. My H looked "struck". My M looked struck, too(lol).
  .Finally,my H left.Then ,my M ,S and I talked about N.  My M was listening and receiving what my S and I were saying about N.
 On Friday,she came over for the day. Whenever  she blamed me in any way, I got in   her face and would not accept it. For example, she said,"Do you think we can be friends?". I said , if she could treat me well and  I did not have to keep "beating" her down, we could. She tried to blame me ,by saying that I had TOO  many expectations. I said that I had the expectation for respect and if she could not give  it ,then we could not be friends. So, she backed down and apologized. That was an example of many similar  interactions ..
 Do you understand more, Laura? Thank you so much for caring enough to ask, Laura.    Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
 Vaknin says that s/times, N's can change. It is rare ,but it can happen,Usually it happens when  they age and face the relationship with their children . If the N loves the child enough, they can override their own need to "lie" and they can face some truth. If thy can face the truth, they can heal( to the degree to  which they  face the truth)
  For me, I have healed. from this visit with her. That is the most important part--not her degree of healing or lack of it,Lupita.
  IF I heal and I am wrong about her--so what? I have healed and that is what counts. That is how I view it,anyway.                Ami

[reallyME]

ok Ames, that was much more to go on now.

Seems your mother was buttin in, being opionated, and not respecting boundaries of your son, since she wouldn't QUIT bugging him about the school choice.  A person can give an opinion once, but if asked to stop, they should, I think?

As far as H wanting to join the battle, are you saying he wanted to DEFEND you at first, but you told him to butt out, so then he joined the enemy forces of your M AGAINST YOU?  Help me understand, pls.

It sounds like your husband can be a real pill at times, but as far as your mother, it seems she flips on and off, and I guess that's where my red flags come from.  I DO believe N's can change with the help of God's power, however, I also believe that you need to exercise wisdom and not be too quick to jump on the offer from the "friendly-seeming" voice of your not-so-long-ago narcissistic mother.

Just my 10 cents

~Laura

[changing]

Ami-

I don't know if your mother and husband are "cured" or not or even if that was the point of your post and experience, but I think the real breakthrough was in how you reacted and held your own. You spoke the truth and would not be cowed, even when they ganged up against you and used their old tactics to shut you up. You did not react in kind, did not get into a verbal brawl, did not break down and beg for mercy, but simply held your ground in the truth... I know from experience, that can be a really tough stance to maintain- but it is the best!
It is not your job to heal your mother or anyone else- you can give assistance if you like...the thing is that you took care of you and acted in a way that you knew was right! Their bad acts that you spoke of needed to be brought out in the light of day to be seen for what they were- they were not your shameful secrets to protect any longer!
I don't know what the future holds, and who does on this planet? You spoke the forbidden truth, and now they can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again! Now, on to the next horizon, whatever that may be...you will be ready.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Izzy
 I find your comments and tone offensive and do not care to respond, with all due respect               Ami

[Ami]

Yes,it is especially with what I percive to be a hostile and "challenging"tone,on your part , complete with intimating that I am trying to decieve the board,  Izzy.