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Careers and work

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claris:
Hello all

I have been working with my therapist on my current career change and spent a lot of time talking about my N mother and her impact on my life choices, especially regarding my previous career choices and the fears and insecurities associated with taking a new path.  

I'd be interested to hear your stories of your choices about work and career, and the effects that your Ns may have had on them.  

Thanks!

Claris

Anonymous:
I'm an underachiever. I think my upbringing had a lot to do with it. My parents weren't good at helping children feel competent. They were very disapproving and critical.  I could've worked harder to change this as a grownup and I didn't. It's a very weak area for me.

bunny

mighty mouse:
Thanks a lot, Claris.

You have hit a very sore subject with me LOL.

I will tell you about my career path and let you all judge whether or not I should have a giant "L" for loser on my forehead.

Basically I've been in the same business for 27 years. This is a career for which I am totally ill suited for (personality wise) and have always felt like I never did very well in. Oh, I was competent enough but couldn't "work and play well with others" as the saying goes. Oh, and I'm book smart and people stupid (as my parents were very fond of saying).

I had at least 12 jobs in almost as many years (3 fired and 9 quit) until I finally decided I had better work for myself. That worked out pretty good for about ten years but the last 3 1/2 have been kind of bad because of market forces, being usurped by the internet and never liking my work.

I will admit to sabotaging myself, being lazy and not keeping my skills up and basically wanting to watch reruns of Hawaii 5-0 more than working. I am smart and have talent and am very well read. But I can't think of what I really want to do.

I have many avocational things like interior decorating, nutrition and personality typing/psychology that I'm interested in or am good at. But when it comes to thinking about them as a career, I can't really go there. I can't grasp onto anything where I can even conceive of "Doing what I love and the Money will Follow" or doing whatever with the parachute (what's that pesky book called?).

How has my N quotient factored into all of this? Well I've decided that I should maybe be the next Mr. Bellevedere or Mr. French (if I was a dude) since I am really good at:

1. anticipating everyone's needs but my own.
2. being very efficient
3. serving everyone (I am super at housework btw)
4. acquiescing to Ns and non Ns
5. acting happy when I'm not
6. walking on eggshells so as not to irritate the irascible N

Now that is just my professional life. My NMom basically picked my career for me (I had no guidance counselor or parent directing me in any way to something I might actually be good at) from a brochure that came in the mail for a jobs school. I aced their little entrance exam and was on my way to a career I've hated for 27 years.

But I do keep a nice, extremely well decorated house that I'm proud of and have a great husband. So I am not totally pathetic. But this issue just burns me up. I had (have) great potential and I feel like it was wasted towing the N line for so long. Now I'm in the position of thinking of what I'd like to do for a career that's my choosing. Geeze, I'm 46 now.

I am totally stuck. I feel like Bunny in that I am an underacheiver as well (although Bunny seems like no underacheiver to me). I get the "not feeling competent as children" thing....only too well. BTW, I realize I sound childish. I actually started growing up when I cut ties with my Ns. But it's a process as you all know.

So jury, what's the verdict?

MM

looking ahead:
Hi thread,

Dang, mighty mouse, I thought that I had a checkered past in the work place! LOL

But it's been very frustrating for me because it seems like I was never heard. We'd have an office meeting, I would suggest something only to be told that my idea couldn't be done. Then lo and behold a year or two later my idea was implemented. Same thing with a guy at work that always co-opted my ideas like they were his own. I'd say something in a meeting. wasn't acknowledged and then the next week the guy would say exactly what I said like it was his own idea. He did this outside of work also and it was eery. I never challenged him. Now I would but I don't work with this person anymore  :)

Always felt like I was invisible is what I'n trying to say. I am intelligent and capable but never made a big mark and wasn't good at sucking up to the bosses and such. Never good at office politics.

Looking ahead.

Anonymous:
bunny - you are always so wise on your posts i'd never call you an underachiever either.

MM - after all the difficulties i have had with my own career i'd never presume to sit in judgment of anyone!  isn't it incredible how we find ourselves doing something for years and years that someone else picked out for us when we were young?  but i've been learning how deep the mental programming can be - it goes to the core of who you think you are and what you perceive your possibilities in life to be.  i think this is a difficult issue even for people who did not have N parents or influences, but having an N can definitely undermine you when you are thinking about making career changes.  it is a long process - i'd say my career shift has been a series of small steps over the past two years - but it is never too late to start.  

i think my N mother had an influence on my becoming an 'overachiever' at all the wrong things.  i had extreme pressure through childhood to bring home perfect grades and scores, to get into the best university, to choose a 'prestigious' job, to make a lot of money.  i was harshly punished for getting anythign less than perfect grades, but I was also punished for asking for help if I was having trouble.  i was a trophy - an object to brag over to friends and a way to compete with her siblings.  i ended up in a high pressure career that was unsuitable for me but was extremely hard to leave because it didn't make 'sense' for me to want to leave.  it was also hard for me to work through my own fear and confusion to understand what a more suitable career would be.  like bunny, i didn't feel competent.  i had no sense that i could be happy at work - i thought i was doomed to be unhappy in my career because i had never been happy and my choices were not really my own.

i'm slowly trying to change my ways, one small step at a time.

claris

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